What I've learned about marriage!
A few things I can tell you about marriage
Dear readers,
Marriage is a mysterious thing. Some view it as the ultimate romantic gesture, especially the part where they propose or are being proposed to, yet others see it as the ultimate prison sentence. Some of us (and I include myself in this category) just see marriage as a piece of paper, a contract which cannot be enforced by law if you break your vows, and therefore without much meaning.
Many get married for the wrong reasons, such as financial dependence to their partner, family or peer pressure, boredom, infatuation (love makes us blind!), or because it seems like the logical next step once you are in a long term relationship.
Lots of people tie the knot with the wrong person. Some stay for years in a loveless marriage and are miserable, or treat each other like shit and think this is how it’s supposed to be.
More traditional cultures may view marriage as the ultimate end goal, especially for women (closely followed by the expected production of children), and then there’s those that say the YES word simply because they don’t know how to say NO and start over.
I may not be a psychologist or a relationship counselor, but being married for almost 8 years now surely makes me somewhat of an expert on this topic.
I was lucky. I met my soulmate (or half orange, as they like to call it here) one night at a bar. This may not sound very romantic put that way, but after a short conversation he sparked my interest, and the rest is history. Eight years later here we are, happily married and I couldn’t imagine my life without him.
I believe that once you are truly in love you just know. The secret for me is not getting bored. My former relationships all ended after an average of 3 years. Then I lost interest and started looking for the next shiny thing. This is the first time that I don’t feel that need to look for something more interesting elsewhere.
That being said, nothing is always rosy or easy even when you have your ideal partner. Relationships are like a garden: the more work you put into it, the more fruits it will bear.
I’ve learned a few things during these years that I would like to share with you. Who knows, they might become useful at some point. These are the things that I learned about marriage:
That piece of paper doesn’t change a thing
It may sound like once you accept that proposal and plan the “happiest day of your life”, spend a fortune on a stupid dress you’ll only wear once (hopefully!) and spill out those sentimental vows in front of the entire world, your relationship will only get better.
Well guess what? It doesn’t! The next day you'll wake up with a massive hangover, your partner still looks the same, and with the exception of that enormous hole in your bank account, nothing has changed. Why? Because it’s just a piece of paper, that’s why!
If your partner was a cheating bastard beforehand, that won’t change now. If your girlfriend was a nagging shrew, she will continue to be one, and if you thought that this new bling around your finger will make your life better in any way, I’m sorry to burst your bubble!
Hence the importance of being 100% satisfied with your relationship BEFORE you embark on this adventure with someone.
The small things that annoy you before getting married will only get worse
Did you ever think that those little flaws your partner has were cute? Yeah, well they won’t be cute for much longer.
Do you get pissed when your lady leaves her hair lying around everywhere in the bathroom or leaves the toothpaste open, or when your better half forgets to take out the trash or do the dishes?
Buckle up, because you’re in for a ride! It will bug the fucking shit out of you after several years of putting up with it!
When you think about getting married you have to ask yourself: Could I live in a small prison cell with this person for a long period of time? If the answer is I don’t know, or maybe, you may want to reconsider your choice. A great piece of advice would be to test living together before you make such a huge commitment. If you can tell yourself that these details annoy you but that your love for your partner is stronger, you found a winner!
Marry your best friend, not your lover!
A relationship usually starts with passionate and frequent love making, and of course what makes us want to be together initially is that first physical attraction. That’s how most relationships start anyway. But make no mistake. At the end of the day, this crazy rip-my-clothes-off-as-soon-as-you-see-me type of passion fades away and leaves room for something much more valuable, which is the strongest friendship or complicity you will ever experience. I’m not saying that your marriage will be sexless or devout of passion (God no!) but if you’re not marrying your best friend, what do you have left after you’ve taken off those infatuation goggles?
You will be spending a LOT OF TIME together, sharing meals, traveling, sharing the good and the bad, using the toilet while you’re in the same room (I don’t encourage that by the way!). Wouldn’t you prefer doing this with your BFF? Make sure you have a real connection, and that you can simply look at the other person and know what they’re thinking. Have your inside jokes, share the same interests and hopefully the same worldviews or goals in life. You have to be able to imagine yourself at age 70, sitting side by side sipping on a cocktail and discuss random bullshit. Gravity will take away the rest eventually!
Keep your individualism and respect each other's freedom
Have you noticed those couples that all of a sudden lose their identity and merge into one creepy entity once they get hitched? Think Brangelina or whatever other weird name merger takes place when a new celebrity couple hooks up.
I’ve seen people who have one single email address, and even a shared Facebook account. What the F** people? I already have an issue with common bank accounts, because I don’t understand why I would all of a sudden have to share my finances or change my last name in the name of love! I'm still ME for Christ's sake!
It’s not Merger & Acquisitions people, it’s just a marriage certificate.
Sharing your life doesn’t mean that you have to lose any sense of identity and individualism! After all, you fell in love with that other person, not with some weird remixed version of yourself.
Take care of your physical appearance
If you want keep up your sex life intact, you can’t just wear yoga pants every day of the week and let your nose hair grow. I’m sorry to say, but physical attraction is important, and if you neglect yourself, how do you expect to get laid?
You want your partner to fall in love with you all over again every day, which demands some effort on both sides. Try to look your best for your partner if you don’t don’t want him or her to look elsewhere. If marriage is a contract, you can’t just change the terms and conditions. Of course, if beer bellies and nose hair are your thing, ignore this point.
Only marry someone you admire
I’m the luckiest girl in the world. When my husband talks about me to strangers, he’s always complimenting me in some way. He always tells people about the languages I speak, or other achievements he is extremely proud of. Sometimes it makes me borderline uncomfortable, but I also love the fact that he looks up to me in so many ways. Luckily, the feeling is mutual. I admire him for his intelligence, his business mind and many other qualities that I won’t get into here because the list would be too long.
There is nothing worse than couples who talk down on each other, constantly get annoyed by their partners or complain about them to other people. If you catch yourself doing that, then maybe you’re not in a healthy relationship.
Marry someone who loves animals
This one is not my advice, it’s actually my mother’s. My mom always told me to be wary of people who don’t like animals, because they may be unable to feel empathy or are incapable to love. I believe that this statement has a lot of truth to it. Also, there is nothing sexier than a hot dude with a kitten.
OK I’m done sharing advice for today. I hope you find some of these tips useful, and if you have more to add to the list, I’d be happy to hear them in the comments below. After all nobody’s marriage is perfect!
The one thing I would share after more than 10 years is the concept of happiness. It shouldn't really change, but it often does.
As single individuals, we are responsible to create our own happiness. We are not entitled to it and someone doesn't owe it to us. I see a lot of people get married and stop keeping themselves happy as an individual because it is now someone else's responsibility......which is totally wrong in my opinion. (It also goes along with my insistence that having someone to blame does nothing to solve the actual problem.)
Sure we are choosing to walk the same paths together but I owe it to my partner to bring a happy person to the table as my half of the bargain. Being happy as a person is essential in the equation of being happy as a couple.
It is good to see a successful couple story and advice. Such a great block chain.
that is so very true! I actually meant to include this point also, and completely forgot. I get really impatient when I post on Steemit lol. Thanks for including this, it's definitely very important.
Getting married (and having kids) will not make you happy if youweren't already before.
Que buen post amiga, me gustó mucho, quiero pensar que estoy con la persona indicada en estos momentos pero no me apresuro ;), tiempo al tiempo!. Después de 8 años de relación con tu esposo te pregunto: ¿cómo se hace para no caer en la rutina? Quizás eso sea digno de otro post...
Muchas gracias bella! =) Mh para nosotros es dificil caer en la rutina porrque el viaja mucho por el trabajo, entonces no hay mucho tiempo para aburrirse. También lo que ayuda son proyectos que tenemos en conjunto, que sea negocio, o viajes para descubrir un lugar nuevo, etc. También hacemos deporte juntos, y esto tambien es divertido =) Espero que esto te ayude un poco hehehe
Que bueno eso! Ya parte de lo que dices lo hago jejejej. Gracias por compartir tus experiencias conmigo! 😗
I will not let my girlfriend read the last tip! Haha she loves animals but me very little.
I am just concern about them but don't like to touch them. I am afraid most of the time especially dogs. I know it might raised an eyebrow to Mav but I don't like dogs bigtime because I have a not so good experience with them.
oh no, sorry to hear! Did you get bitten by a dog? @maverickinvictus should help you get over this fear =)
Haha! Almost bitten by a dog a lot of times. Plus the case in our place is there's a lot of stray dogs everywhere. That is why it is kinda scary if you are bitten by one.
Knowing @maverickinvictus nah I pass, if he will have a chance to bully me he will do it. I should know because he's my friend and friends bully each other.
You have nailed it sis. There are so many aspects of a relationship that we can't say but exist and these are the things that are sustaining the love and trust.
Well done.
This topic is very crucial, let me analyze it within the scope of my country Nigeria, marriage here is a mandatory obligation, there is a certain age or status you will attain here and people will classify you as inresponsible because you are not in a marriage, this make people go any length just to please the world at the detriment of their comfort, the male foes are even in less pressure, I shed tears for an African woman, they suffer a lot, her success amount to nothing without marriage, she is deprived a lot of things as a single being, although civilization is ameliorating some of it but the larger part still dominate.
it is sad indeed, and I'm happy to hear that things are changing slowly. They will change if brave men like you speak out about it and support women =) Thank you very much for your comment!
You are welcome .
One thing I would like to add, is learning how to forgive. There are going to be times in a marriage where arguments get pretty heated and unkind or unloving words may be said. You shouldn't think that offering up an apology somehow gives your spouse the upper hand. Don't let your pride stand in the way of having a good marriage