Overcoming Mistrust and Impatience

I woke up feeling bright and positive when suddenly I received a text message saying that I have a bill to pay worth $100+ otherwise there will be some legal actions. My first reaction was like what the F is this? I just resolved the internet contract transfer before moving to another place. I am tired of paying bills. I would be quite content with a prepaid service even if it's more expensive. I don't want to be tied to any agreements anymore. My internet subscription was upgraded to a Fibr plan this year and the old plan should have already been cancelled long time ago. It turned out, someone did not do her job so I am still accumulating monthly fees for the service I'm no longer using. I just gave up. I can no longer put up with this big corporation making a lot of money off people through this way. I was so disappointed and immediately prepared myself to storm into the internet company's office.

It seemed like I fell into the same trap. I did it again. It is really hard to stay calm when things are just falling apart. I breathed and entered the office without showing any violent reaction. I tried to explain what was going on without uttering a number of wtf/sec. Sure, I was mad as hell. But I was not shouting or anything. I just tried to make everyone understand why I was upset and stressed out. I quickly realized that nothing will be resolved if I give in to my anger that moment.

As I get older, I noticed how my patience level is now close to zero. I could easily lose my temper during frustrating situations and react based on emotion without even thinking that what I only want is a solution. I can be impatient and stupid at the same time. Subconsciously, I'm just embracing negativity more. Sure, humanity is fucked up. The world is fucked up. The least I can do is not to be fucked up.

The customer service asked me to file a complaint and hopefully, that will clear things up with the internet company. Who knows? After a series of fuck overs these days, I just find it hard to trust people. I noticed how people absolutely don't care whatever happens to you. You get overcharged, you be homeless, you pay a lot of money, you go hungry on the street. Tell me now what this seriously flawed system has done to people? There is no humanity.

I think that I was able to manage my raging emotion in the face of stress. Prolonged stress can be quite bad for health. I try not to be mad at people despite all the valid reasons. I just try to talk to myself or curse in order to completely purge the negative energy. I have to vent, to myself at least.

After the calming visit to the internet company's office, I went straight to a cellphone repair shop to have my touchscreen replaced. I've survived my smartphone's cracked screen for more than a year and I didn't even know why I felt the need to change it. As you know, I'm not into buying the latest models or upgrades. Think of human exploitation, child labor and all the waste in this world brought by consumerism. I am holier than thou I know. Honestly, I just don't have the money to buy an iPhone X. That's just what I want to say. Anyway, the repair guy also fucked it up. Instead of having a working phone with a cracked screen, I have nothing now. I was about to burst in anger after finding out that I will come home without a phone. But I was told to come back the next day and they will try their best to fix it. Due to my misanthropic nature and mistrust of the future, I just couldn't believe anyone anymore. I've heard stories that repair shops like this tend to replace the original parts with crappy ones so you can keep coming back for more repair. I just resigned to my despair and asked the guy calmly, "will you be able to repair it tomorrow because I don't want to buy a new phone?" then he answered, "Just trust."

To be honest, I was quite astounded. Maybe it was not his intention but that really triggered me. Quickly that moment it touched something in me in a deep philosophical level. Trust. Perhaps he discerned that I'm a person who does not trust anyone. Perhaps I look like I don't trust anyone, and that sucks. I just feel like everyone has hidden agendas these days. Everyone wants something from me. Everyone cannot help me. Everyone wants to hurt me. Everyone. But just as people can make my life hell, they also have the power to make life heaven. I want to be able to overcome my trust issues and practice patience if I desire to achieve my goals, create a better life and live in harmony with other humans.

I don't want to fight stress with stress anymore. I want to let go of things that I cannot control. I think that dealing with frustrating situations can also be a good practice. I don't want to project or think negatively, I just want to accept that the difficulties in life simply don't end here. But that's just life.