Now Sleeping is the Last Thing I Want to Do

I wanted to sleep, that little slice of death I craved every day. The demon finally wailed, my dream destroyer. I pulled myself up, I had to go to work. I was tired of sleep deprivation, that typical burnout. I reminded myself every day why I had to do it, to work the job I didn't really necessarily hate. To put food on the table, to have things, to afford comfort, to buy myself some freedom. I knew I didn't belong there, that type of crowd. I was too unprofessional. I could still hear the singing voice of my colleague, oh that voice. She repeated the same song like a harsh blast from the radio, the type of sick music you usually hear when you are in the cab on the way to work. The bad music that makes money. Isn't that too annoying enough? I preferred to shuffle the same songs from the past until I was numb to the rest of the world. They even forbid that, wouldn't you believe? Anything within that space and dry walls was madness.

The boss came to my cubicle, he wanted me to work on a report. Something urgent, it was always like that, always urgent. I looked at him with my vacant eyes. Nobody else would do it. All people needed to do was memorize their tasks, come to work on time, say hello to everyone and talk to the director in the sweetest voice possible. There was too little thinking required. Wait for Friday, wait for the paycheck, wait for the year-end bonus, wait for Christmas parties, wait for free pizzas, wait for a couple of years more, wait for a raise, wait for business trips, come back and repeat. We have spent our lives waiting.

My colleague stopped singing, she was talking about Chanel N°5, Gucci bag, lipstick, makeup, clothes, shoes and everything else that would make me feel and look special. I had to just listen curiously and work at the same time, paying attention to her was difficult when I had to do some analyzation.

I wanted to destroy everything beautiful I'd never have. ― Chuck Palahniuk

I wanted her shopping malls to collapse, to turn into powder all those things she was talking about. I couldn't bear to spend my life listening to these things she bought. That's the consumerist lifestyle for you. I want to bring down the system and eliminate inequality for the greater good. The collapse of the banks that slave us to debt. That slave us to jobs so we could continue receiving bills. Then I saw this tall man in his fancy suit, walking graciously and checking on everyone. He is not from here, he must be earning a lot from us. People looked up to him like he's a God, don't bite the hand that feeds you as they say. Be exploited, be like slaves so you can all continue going to work showing off your fancy handbags. That was it ladies and gentlemen, you are your jobs and you are your things.

I had to design a system to save all the machines being exported all over the world from drowning in the great flood. That move secured my status from probationary to regular, finally I secured a job to be able to afford basic things in life. The users of the system were awarded for a job well done, they went to the stage all happy and smiling while receiving the recognition. I was clapping my hands from a distance.

I couldn't breathe, I was shouting but I was muted. Nobody could hear me, I wanted to get out of this. I woke myself up from a nightmare. It all seemed too real, it was all coming back to me again. I remembered quickly that I am in a different time and place now. I want to enjoy every waking moment, not to sleep anymore. To be awake.

I’m breaking my attachment to physical power and possessions, because only through destroying myself can I discover the greater power of my spirit.
― Chuck Palahniuk

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