Dear Steemy - I Dated Multiple People at the Start of My Current Relationship
Dear Steemy,
When my partner and I first started dating it was a whirlwind romance, really classic stuff. I was completely into them but it was so early, I wasn't committed to being with just them. So I wasn't committed to just them. During the first three months of dating, I was with several other people, but I never mentioned this. Some of them were dates, other were purely recreational encounters. I didn't feel like I was doing anything wrong because we hadn't even decided we were together, though we did spend a lot of time together. Now it's been almost a year and I stopped dating other people four months in when we made it 'official' and I'm honestly very happy, but I feel like I have a big secret. Should I say something, or do I leave it in the past? In a way I feel like I'm lying.
Thanks,
Torn in Two
Dear Torn,
Dating can be quite the sideshow. There's bright lights, flowers, dancing and laughing. It's a whirlwind of hormones and emotions. Consider yourself lucky that you've found someone that continues to make you happy, that's not a gift everyone receives.
Does it feel like they can see right through you? It sounds like you're feeling guilty for what you did in the past, and this can be a useful in that it helps us to maybe make better decisions in our future. But beware that you don't put the expectations of today on the you of your own past, you'll rarely measure up.
For those first three months, you didn't feel like you were deceiving anyone, did you? I am curious that the question of your relationship's status was not addressed at all in three months, but I understand that all relationships are different.
The Space Between Yes and No
If you are wondering whether you did something wrong, the answer is somewhere between yes and no. I wish it were more black and white, but it isn't. Yes, it can be argued that you lied by omission in not disclosing that you were actively seeing other people. But the fact remains that dating is still a mysterious process, and the level at which we share is as different in people as proverbial snowflakes in the sky. Maybe you found this completely acceptable because you feel that until an agreement is made, both parties are free to do as they wish without responsibility to the other. Have you wondered if your partner may have also been seeing other people at any time since knowing you?
To Talk, is Key
An open line of communication can help head these situations off, though it's hard to open ourselves up and admit where we are in our process. We aren't blank slates that suddenly become crowded with artwork when we meet the people we come to love, we come already drawn and needing to erase some space to make room. Your partner has their history, and working towards open communication, while scary, allows new and exciting conversations to happen. This is the where the stuff of change lives, and you should embrace the courage you feel to even approach.
You're the Only Judge That Can Matter
Were there people better able to determine what you should and shouldn't do, there would be no judges trying to determine if what you did was right or wrong. You are the judge of your own actions, and if you feel as though you're lying, you should take yourself pretty seriously. It is for this reason alone that you need to figure out what way to best alleviates the pressure you feel. Your partner is absolutely important in this, but don't forget that you are the person you are living with, always. Respect your process and what you need, and try to find the courage to absolve yourself. That's when you will be ready to ask for forgiveness from your partner.
Good Luck Torn,
Steemy
You are a very good writer and the advice is sound, which makes for a nice combination.
If it was me I would be honest, but I might make the previous relationships sound like they were no big deal or just give a small preview testing the waters and then be a little more open later, but I would never go into full detail, that's just cruel.
It's definitely easy for any of us to want to be more honest. The hard part may be telling someone you love that you didn't realize you loved them and so they were part of a rotation of potential mates you were considering.
It's a tough position. I like your idea of cushioning the information a bit and reserving the full details.
I've always like love letter sections because there is always such useful information. Yours is no different. The way you answer the questions presented are really good and I could see my self using your advice.
I'm very happy to hear that. Those whose secrets I've held have always felt the same way, and I hope to always maintain the balance that allows me share with genuine interest and concern. You would be surprised, though, how many love-related secrets I've been told. A popular saying goes "The heart has its reasons, which reason knows nothing of". I've always liked that.