365 Days That Count - Day 69 - Marking my (old) territory & getting confused...

When you're in a relationship with someone for a long time it's natural to become involved with and close to their family and I was and still am very close to my ex's. It was his little sister's 21st on Friday and it was lovely to see his family. I sat with his older sister who I'm very close to and we were laughing over a glass of wine when he arrived. With his girlfriend.

It's a very complicated story but let's just say that I broke his heart, he has always wanted to get back together with me, his girlfriend worked for him when we were together and moved in on him when I went over seas and he really believed it was over, which it was, which it is...I don't know, I'm very confused.

In a way I feel sorry for her because it is very obvious how he feels, on many occasions throughout the evening I watched her looking at him while he looked at me with a silly little loving smile on his face, it was awkward to say the least.

But I can't pretend to like her or think she is nearly good enough for him, she has caused a rift between him and his family and according to his family and close friends is a madam who seems to enjoy playing lady of the manor, crying when she doesn't get her way and using his credit card more than anything else.

He's told me on many occasions recently how he feels about me and that he would never be with her if I hadn't left him. That it feels like a lie because he'll never love her like he loves me and that he feels like he's got himself stuck because she's involved herself in every facet of his life - something I hold him responsible for, he should never have let her work in his business without strict boundaries but he has.

Anyway, I don't know what I want and I certainly don't want to screw up his life again but I do believe he shouldn't be with someone he doesn't love regardless of me. I didn't have any intentions of having a deep conversation with him, my plan was to survive the evening - I don't like seeing him with someone else as I'm sure you can imagine and I'm still not used to it, I see him a lot but it is seldom with her, he brings me coffee at home or we catch up at the gym etc.

It's not appropriate and I'm not pretending it is but he calls and I can't help but answer. It's not like he's some sneaking, cheating creep - we only talk and everybody knows how we felt about each other, how he has always felt.

We spoke a lot that night, about all kinds of things, while she got trashy drunk. I can understand it must make her insecure to have me around let alone sitting with him but the little bitchy part of me wants to turn around and say what do you expect when you crawl into bed with someone while he's still crying over someone else? You certainly can't expect to feel secure.

He literally can't help himself around me, I don't mean to sound arrogant but I am that man's kryptonite - he said on a few occasions throughout the evening, "what do you do to me?" as he stared intently into my soul while she looked on from across the room. He knew she was looking, and would never want to hurt her but he really just can't help it, he feels too strongly and is not good enough at pretending to fool anyone.

We drank too much and flirted more than we should've, I feel bad for how obvious it was, it's just so easy for us to be around each other and we know how to press each other's buttons. A few drinks later and your body and mind seem to go into autopilot, suddenly you're touching his arm as you laugh, or looking into his eyes a little longer than you should.

She's never asked him how he feels about me and I think it's because she knows and accepts the answer. Maybe this will be the beginning of working it out one way or another.

He can't have his cake and eat it, stealing these deep moments with me that seem to get him through the next few days of pretending till he makes an excuse to see me again. It's not fair on any of us. If he wants another shot with me he's going to have to be honest with her.

I don't know what's going to happen, I know we still love each other, but I need to be sure. I will not mess up his life again, if we get back together that'll be that and that's a big commitment.

I've decided to take a step back for now and do some serious soul searching to work out what I want and why. I'm not going to be made to feel like the other woman when I know I'm the only one he's ever really loved. But I can't ignore the fact that he has a girlfriend even if he can and I'm not going to keep disrespecting that.

Regardless of how I feel about her and their relationship I'm not going to be nasty, what happened on Friday - although technically nothing - had to be hurtful and I won't let it happen again.

I'm praying for guidance, patience and clarity.

Love,

Daisy xx

( @daisyd )