have you been bullied?

"I can’t control your behavior;
nor do I want that burden …
but I will not apologize
for refusing to be disrespected,
to be lied to, or to be mistreated.
I have standards;
step up or step out.”

_{~ Dr. Steve Maraboli}

I found this quote tonight as I was surfing the net. It gave me pause to think about some things.

I wondered how many of us try to get someone
to stop lying
to stop name calling
to stop accusing us
to stop disrespecting or
to stop betraying us.

YOU can't. THEY have to stop doing it.

How can they stop if they don't hear you. That's the whole crux of the problem. The person hurting you isn't stopping because they aren't listening. In their mind, it's your fault that something is wrong.

If someone you love is causing you pain and rebuffs you, they are in denial.

Is your life full of ongoing drama?
Do you feel a need to resolve the same issues over and over again?
Are you sad? depressed? anxious? unhappy? angry?
Is this person lifting your spirits or crushing them?
Is what you do or say important enough to be heard and appreciated?

If your relationship is turbulent, you may find that you question your sanity at times, or wonder if YOU are in the wrong.

You'll most likely lose your confidence.

Feeling unworthy, not good enough or other unhelpful self talk will become the norm. These feelings and thoughts are a result of believing the person whose beating you down.

You will have difficulty trusting others.

Isolating and being self protective may seem like the right thing but it's a vicious cycle.

Isolation begets isolation.

Most people won't understand what you are going through. They may know your loved one in a different light and find it hard to see them the way you are describing. You won't want to tell them because you think they will judge you so you keep them at a distance. You'll find it difficult to make eye contact because you don't want your eyes to give your pain away.

You will become emotionally paralyzed. Meaning, numb. It will be tough to discern what you are feeling. You'll most likely only be able to say "I'm sad, or I'm depressed, or I don't feel well." Anger will become a shield for your fear, shame and guilt. It might not be explosive anger, it might come out as a passive action or irritability.

As anxiety creeps in you'll become jumpy and startle easily. Prolonged anxiety isn't good for your physical health and some believe it's the precursor to depression.

Another problem with staying in a relationship like this is that it will affect your health. Chemicals and hormones in our bodies react to drama, sadness, confusion and emotional pain. Our immune system suffers, opening us up to illnesses making it harder to fight off viruses and bacteria. Our eating patterns will most likely change too which can make us even more vulnerable to illness.

Personally, I don't believe in "x" ing people out of my life. I believe in cutting ties and treating the hurtful loved one like a stranger rather than a significant other or friend. A stranger is not familiar with your thoughts or the details of your life. You can be polite if you bump into them, but you won't be sharing anything of importance with them. Think of the kinds of things you talk about to the grocery store clerk, or bank teller or someone you say hello to on a walk. You say hello, how are you and walk away.

What's the answer?

You cannot control another person's behavior or speech or thoughts.

You can, however, control you.
You can control what you allow and what you won't allow.
You can control how you respond or react to bad behavior and verbal or emotional abuse.

If you are experiencing something similar to this, tell someone. If they don't listen or minimize what you've told them tell your family doctor, teacher, your clergy, anyone you trust.

Remember,

you are not crazy
you are not alone
There is help and there is a way out.

written by

© 2018, © all rights reserved

Disclaimer -

I am not a psychologist, therapist, doctor, social worker or expert in bullying or verbal abuse. Everything I have shared here is what I have learned over the years from attending classes, reading and through personal experience.

_{photo sources}