The Illusion of Self Reliance
I've always prided myself on being a very self reliant person, to a fault. It's always been important to me to be as self reliant as possible. However, this can be detrimental in excess. Here are some reasons why - the first one is contributory only.
- correlation of birth order (contributory)
- lack of trust
- need for control
Below, I will discuss these three reasons and how complete self reliance is an illusion.
#1 I believe a very high correlation exists with being the first in birth order (oldest of four) in terms of one's level of self reliance. The oldest tend to be the "more responsible" ones. The parents also don't know what they're doing so tend to be hardest on the oldest. (My mother openly admits this)
Being the oldest, for me, led to being the type that I basically will NOT ask for help until it's way past the point where I should've asked for help. My parents definitely instilled the value of hard work and "figure it out yourself" in me. Now, that's isn't all bad and I think is a trait that is a bit lacking in a lot of people. However, I also think they both (mostly my father) went way too overboard with this concept with me. For example, in 29 years, I only asked my father for money one time. And even now, wish I hadn't of needed to. That was 6 years ago.
It was at a point I'd let things become un-mendable and I had no choice but to ask
My dad and his wife don't want for money. It has always irked me the other three siblings are more "attended" to than I have ever been. My mother is financially unable to help but would give you the shoes off her feet if she had to.
Still though, mommy and the rest of the fam don't seem to fathom that I might need help too, and I am not just talking money. Could just be a shoulder to lean on. It's my opinion, the oldest (at least in my case) are often overlooked - oh, they're fine, they'll figure it out.
I never wanted to ask my dad for help because he would hold shit over my head. He now realizes, YEARS later, hm, maybe I should've treated my daughter better. There is a multitude of reasons he and I have a crippled relationship but this is just one.
#2 Lack of Trust
This is a big one for me. I really don't trust most people. There is a myriad of reasons why, but I won't get into that in this post. Lacking trust causes me to want to be able to do ALL things on my own. I have lived alone, completely independent before for several years. Completely self reliant (or so I thought.) I've always felt:
If I can do it myself, I will
I can do a better and more efficient job, so why should I rely on another?
Both thought processes can get you you into trouble. I would put myself into different types of disparity - taking out payday loans, using credit cards, putting unessary stress directly on myself; when, if I would've just asked one of many people I knew for advice or help it would've been better.
The events that transpire in your life, can give you various "complexes." Is it really necessary for me to be that mistrustful of others? No. I was being irrational. Yes, I had legit reasons. But, I'm a firm believer in you've got to rise above the psychological roots that cause you to behave a certain way. If you don't, you'll be chained to the event(s) that caused severe mistrust in the first place.
#3 Need for control
When many negative events have happened to you in life, you begin to crave control. In traumatized people, who couldn't protect or prevent these negative things from occurring, it causes futuristic thinking and great anxiety as your mind combs through ALL possibilities and outcomes that could occur at an event/in your everyday life. This is one of my biggest problems. It can cause you to catastrophize things that don't need it! There's no way you can possibly predict all outcomes and subsequently be prepared for them. It's very hard for traumatized people to rise above it, but not impossible. Extreme self reliance is driven by the need for control. Causes you to shut others out as they are just another factor to stress over in your anxiety riddled brain. Truth is you create so many catastrophies you tend to start settling for the status quo and anything outside your routine is upsetting (to say the least.) Clearly this shuts you off from potential advances in life or making friends.
Recently a rather trivial event happened that caused me to start thinking about how complete self reliance is an illusion. I had my tire pressure light come on. I figured, well, I'll just go air them up. Which I did. On the 4th and final tire, I finish to hear a "whooshing" air sound. Yep, all that air coming right back out. The tire needed a plug. Well,no problem, I'll get the guys at advanced auto parts to help me (I was right by one)....oh no, they're closed! It was passed 9pm. Rats! I knew all it needed was a plug. But I didn't have the necessary tools or skill set to do it myself and my options for assistance became more and more limited the later it got. Triple AAA was only going to tow or put my spare TUBE tire on. I didn't want that as I knew it was a simple fix. But just not something I could do myself!!!!
Meanwhile, I will admit, due to an interpersonal problem with my next door neighbor - of which I probably blew way out of proportion due to my trauma history....I could've had the problem taken care of much earlier. The simplest most obvious conclusion was reached last because of this. Eventually my husband brings the neighbor and all is well.
In summary, being self reliant is a good quality. Being first in birth order is contributory to the amount of positive self reliance and good problem solving skills I do possess.
However, as with all things in life, going overboard with it by thinking you can control everything and shouldn't give anyone a chance because of trust issues can cause you problems.
I still struggle with control and trust issues and probably always will but I am aware of it and working on accepting there are some good people in this world and I can not control everything.
Peace out, my Steemians. Hope this can help someone. ♡ Have a lovely day!
all photos mine!
Among my siblings the second child is the more responsible one as he is from the start supported me from my medical needs even though I am not asking, he is just a very good brother.
Our eldest even envied my because my parents gives the most attention to me and do not typically rely on my eldest even on emergencies unlike the second child.
Self-reliance is an excellent way to show others what is our capabilities and what we can do but sometimes we cannot at all times count on ourselves alone, we just need somebody in our lives to give and take.
Thanks for the comment. Envies do and can emerge. Out of us 4 - three were brown haired favoring our father. The second oldest favored my mother more with blue eyes and blonde hair. I always felt and still do to this day she loves him the most. I know parents "don't have favorites" but a friend of mine who's a parent admitted to me that's not true......
I wish I could have plugged your hole....wait! that didn't come out right. 😳
Wish I could have helped you. Geez words are hard sometimes 😉
I was about to say......
Great post as always! I agree with all your points. The birth order influence is real--my oldest brother is definitely the most "self-reliant"... Very interesting to see how these factors have impacted your life and personality!
I consider myself the same. As the only daughter of the family surrounding by all boys, I was supposed to be spoiled, I turned out to be the most resilient and strong one. Esp at an younger age. But with time goes by, I also learned to not in control sometimes and it also worked pretty fine. Life is all about learning and growing. :)
Continually growing and learning yes
I see many parallels to myself. However, the birth order part seems to run differently in my family. I'm the youngest of two and I'm the one that avoids asking for help. It's taken me a long time to learn to ask occasionally and I still never really trust even when I'm asking for that help unless it's my husband.
My sister does value her independence, but she will also get help when she needs it. The same goes for my eldest. Sometimes I think my sister is too trusting of people she shouldn't trust... or is that just my lack of trust talking! 😂
A very insightful and thought provoking post.
Yeah, seems to be a common occurance about the birth order. I think there's also a difference psychologically if there is two children versus 3, 4, 5....etc. and then there's the whole single child deal. Ha. I think i am going to do an entire post just about birth order and common (usually) traits. Its always been an interesting topic to me.