[Expression] : Opening up and letting go of the past

Sometimes in life, the lines blur and you have to consider what really matters.

Leaving

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A few years ago, I left my hometown and moved up the country a few hundred miles away from my family and friends. At the time, it was a big thing. Every one of my friends was very supportive and knew that the step out of my comfort zone was sorely needed.

A family member offered me a job at his workshop where I was able to embark on my dream of being a furniture maker. In the beginning, I was very committed.

I started up an apprenticeship and for the first year I got stuck into it and managed to make some great progress. Occasional trips home and people around me when I was up there. It didn’t seem to bad. I worked hard, I developed habits, crushed goals and I turned some heads.

Alone

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After my first year, I wasn’t able to stay at my family members house anymore. I started to proactively look for somewhere to stay and I managed to buy myself a small one bedroom flat in the town. A short 2 minute walk to the workshop I worked in.

I’ve had my fair share of ups and downs in that flat. Predominantly downs.

When you are isolated, to begin with, you don’t even know it. The routines become the norm, your personality starts to change and the relationships you have had all your life start to suffer.
For the first 6 months, it didn’t seem to bad. I had made a couple of friendships through college and I hung around with a couple of the lads from time to time.

Mary Jane

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Remember that first year? Yeah, I didn’t really smoke any marijuana. I decided against it because when I was back home, I had developed a certain dependency on it.
One of my friends from college was quite a heavy smoker at the time and once I had my flat...

Queue the music.

Old habits die hard ey. It had various impacts for sure, but the main one was how it affected my relationship with my family member. When somebody who has had a previous relationship with cannabis tries to ‘warn’ you of the effects of the drug, they tend to voice their reasons about how it affected them. A certain level of wisdom would allow them to understand that everybody is different. When you put voices into somebody's head when they are isolated, that is a recipe for disaster.

Nevertheless, I had an on again off again relationship with Mary Jane for the next couple years I lived in the flat.

Now I understand when I can smoke it and when I can’t. When a drug has psychoactive elements, and you have a past with mental illness, anxiety can be crippling. The setting, state of mind and dosage are all important factors when using.

Trauma

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In the early months of the first new year in the flat, I had a couple of events that affected my mentality and situation. The first was an accident that I had in my car.

I was driving along a country road with a friend from college when suddenly a pheasant popped out onto the side of the road.
Instinct kicked in, evidently must be a huge animal lover, and I swerved slightly to avoid the bugger.

I lost traction in my car and I started to slide straight across the road towards a steep embankment.

Somehow, I managed to catch the skid on the right side of the road and I sent the car back over to the left. The motor swung over to the other side and the front left tire caught into the grass on the left side.

The grass surrounding my tire, the back end of the car swung around, the car nose at 3 o’clock... cue barrel roll.

After the side flip, we were on the roof. The bonnet on the tarmac and luckily our doors were stuck in the grass.

We were lucky.

Neither of us had a scratch and we were able to kick the doors out and walk away from the accident with not one injury at all.

Thank you.

This shook me up but I didn’t realize until months later how this, and the event a month later, would affect my mental stability.

A lost soul

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A friend of mine had issues with his mental health throughout most of his teenage life. He had great friends around him but sometimes the demons persist and shadow your judgment beyond your conscious knowing.

He had issues with drug abuse and was always getting close to the edge. This can happen and sometimes you can’t see the true damage until it’s too late.

I and the friends around me had made a decision to distance ourselves from him because of his substance abuse and how he didn’t seem to want to help himself. We had realized the toll it was taking on the group and we had to make some difficult choices. Still friends but distant. This was where the support network that he sorely needed was lost.

The month after the accident, we received the news that he had passed away.

It shook us all and we all felt in some way or another responsible, although we knew between us, that we weren't. We were never gone, we just couldn’t try anymore, the door was always open.

We were able to pay our respects and see him and our worlds changed.

Still alone

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When your family member owns the company you work for, you have to deal with the fair share of comments made about your boss. In the beginning, I rolled with it. Sometimes agreeing and sharing my opinions about how the business was run.

Over time I realized how this wrecked our relationship.

Tainted and influenced, I separated myself from my family members and truly became alone. This was just after the accident and I ended up withdrawing into myself more and developing certain traits which began to chip away at my personality.

Without social interaction, you fade out.

Tripping

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My first psychedelic experience was in my flat that I’d been alone in, with two of my best friends. Remember when I said about drugs with psychoactive elements? If you’ve ever overdosed LSD while your suffering from underlying mental illness, you’ll know that psychoactive is an understatement.

An experience. One that shaped my mind and helped me see what was wrong, missing and neglected.

The trip should be saved for another post alone because describing it here will take up even more words than this post needs.

The world was different. Along with how I reacted to certain things. For instance, cannabis became a lot more inward. I experience mild trips whenever I take too much now and it can send me into loops of thought which are quite detrimental to my well being. Like I said before, I know now how and when I can take it.

Tripping prompted me to get help.

Hello

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Things were up and down for a while and when I look back at this time of my life I realize that even though I thought I had a handle on things. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I did start to speak with my family members again. We squashed things and I spent more time with them at the beginning of the year. Things were looking up and certain progress was made.

Then I tripped again and I nearly killed myself.

Yes, I know you might call me stupid, yes, drugs are bad m’kay.

The way I see it, I was glad it prompted it then. In the trip, everything was intensified, my thoughts, feelings and what I believed. I’m grateful that it happened then rather than it drawing out over time and consuming my sober consciousness.

Yet again, I sought out help.

Distant and different

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Time had passed and it’s nearing the present, I had begun to work on myself and I was building up and progressing myself forward. Although isolated for the better part of 2 years, my personality had changed.

My friends worried, missing the old character that I was. I had talks with a friend in particular. He knew I wasn’t right. My interpersonal skills were shaken. If you’ve been alone for a long period of time, then you try to integrate back into a friend group of people who have always seen you as the outgoing, lively character, you’ll know the struggles when you try to communicate.

Saying something weird. Watching someone's face. Seeing their awkwardness.
You develop a consistent anxiety loop, you feel like you’re lost for good.

New chapters and all that

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I left my job, technically I was asked to leave.

I was trying to flip the script and develop the right habits to push ahead. I was in a bubble but I was working on it.

I messed up and stayed off work for a few days and couldn’t face the music afterward, it became too much and I’d disappointed myself. Nevertheless, I pushed on and landed another job straight away.

Leading up to Christmas, things weren't too bad. I had transport again, a van, I bought more tools and I learned a different aspect of woodworking since I was on sitework. I’d also decided that I was going to leave and come home after a few months of working, I knew I needed to be back around my family and friends.

Great!

Maybe not so much. I was away for my Christmas holidays, back home, and I didn’t receive my holiday pay. Fair enough, not a huge deal, I knew I’d get it sorted out when I came back.
Well, that wasn’t the case and my boss tried to fly this excuse that I’d been getting paid more for the months I was there, so I’d technically made my holiday pay.

Would be nice to be told that though, right? When you’ve got bills to pay, you would definitely rather know that.

Friday rolled around and I was let go from my job.

Prick.

Enough is enough

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I found Steemit over the Christmas holiday and had dabbled a little bit. It wasn’t until I was waiting for my next job to start, that I decided to be a daily-action Steemian.
I started my Daily Knowledge Blasts and kept myself busy, learning and connecting with people, I had started to gain some real hope for the future.

I passed my tests for my site access card and I started my new job out on the sites again. Hammer in hand, I was ready to get stuck in on the Monday.

On the tuesday night, I rang up my boss and told him I was done with Scotland, I wasn’t going to waste his time. I needed to be around my friends and family.

By saturday, I was back here.

I’m back?

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Someone is back. It’s definitely not the guy who left thats for sure. It’s somebody who is working on himself and pushing himself further.

I’ve been home for a few weeks now and I’ve enjoyed seeing my family and friends.

There is a lot I need to work on and after chats with my close friend the other night, I know now more than ever that I need to restrict how much I isolate myself.

There is a saying that I heard yesterday that has stuck in my mind and thats:

“You CAN'T control your environment, but you CAN control how you perceive it”

Although I’m back, I’ve still had issues with anxiety and communication. This is totally expected and sometimes, when I’ve tried to integrate back into my friend group, I’ve struggled.

The truth is, it doesn’t matter what I think something is inside my mind, my true friends have a perception of me that isn’t how I see it.

I control my thoughts and I make my decisions. They aren’t pre-determined. I own my life. I choose what I want to do with it.

I’ve made some big decisions and I plan to write the next chapter a lot brighter than the last few. I’ve realised I still enjoy woodworking and I want to find somewhere that I can work and learn more about the craft. I’ve discovered my love for reading again and I've started to develop my writing skills. I’ve found a support network online and offline. I have created my own narrative. I’ve found my life.

I plan to cherish it.

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Car accident is my own image and all others are from Pixabay.com
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