THE CANCER AND TOO MUCH PAIN
Hi my friends actually Hello to my family as that is what you are to me. The last few have been quite unbearable when it comes to pain. I am starting to have some serious second thoughts about my ability to keep my fight going. What has been happening in front of my Love and my Babylooo is not fair to her.
Pain is just that, Pain! But the other side effects now are an embarrassment to ones self esteem and ability to feel like a man. It is my job to look after her, take care of her, hold her tight on the stormy scary nights. Not have seizures, crap my pants and look like an idiot. I have 7 broken teeth that the pain is brutal but cannot fix nor is worth fixing when I am dieing anyway. I decided a long time ago to fight the cancer my way after I found the traditional route made me more sick. Chemo was a disaster. It all is actually. I do not want to ever die in the hospital with strangers around like nurses and other patients. No hospital white sheet put over my head. I want to hold my girls hand on my last breath with just the two of us and I realize now that may be asking too much of her.
My energy is so low that I fell down and cracked my head and shoulder. I found out that my bicep has seperated from the shoulder. Cut my eye open, not bad but my Oscar winning face will need some attantion, just kidding.........Seriously though am I asking too much of her, do I actually go to the hopspital and give up to give her peace. I am now starting to think she will forget what I used to look like, be able to do, I at one point had a great business, money to burn not literally but we could splurge on a extra weekend getaway but not only is Cancer killing me it has destroyed her way of life. For the first time I see where she will say I had to put that back at the grocery store as we did not have enough money this month. I feel like such a loser some days. Embarrassed to see old friends. Did I waste her last few years on a shell of a man. If I was gone the life insurance gives her that life she had back. I know the pain she would have as I can tell you this as clear as day.
WE LOVE EACH OTHER MORE THAN THE AIR WE BREATH.
After these last months I know there is a bridge we cross when we die and life is still life, I will remember our love, our bond and wait for her to join me no matter the lemgth of time it takes for her to get to me. Last night was so bad My love had to sleep on the couch. What the hell am I doing? I am starting to think Brian just go and let her live.....Let her love eagain if she finds it........I am tired my friends, my family, my listeners to my venting.
I have become ashamed to be putting her through this. I am so physically and mentally exhausted that I cannot think right. I love you all and Thank you again from my heart for all the support and posts of yours that give me peace in reading........The music, The stories, The advantures, all of it I thank you for making my days better
Ravens Wings and Cancer.
The Wings I seek
The ravens wings spread when it leaves the nest
I fight this cancer and hope to be blessed
They say you find peace from wings of the dove
I don't want peace I want to continue to love
The wings of a eagle so huge provide steady flight
I pray I can remain steady and strong through this fight
Butterflies have wings to fly playfully free
And free from this monster is what I pray I will soon be
Under the wings of the angel we feel protected
Through prayers to God I can feel connected
I will go fight and win this battle I didn't start
On the wings of an angel and prayers from my heart
If I cannot win then please let me grow my wings
And fly so high and hope you all hear the words I sing
I am going to go for now and I wish you all health, peace, love and life..................
@briancourteau
Brother.....friend.....It truly saddens me to understand where you are coming from with everything going on. I understand the pain and the battle, it is not easy, but please Brian, never give up on your fight. I know sometimes, or even more times than not, it feels like an uphill battle and that there is no point, but the fight you endure is what defines you my brother. You are a strong man, an incredibly strong man, and you have a heart of gold, which I can personally tell from our conversation and by reading your poetry. You are a fighter and I will bet my bottom dollar that you always have been. Keep fighting man, even when shit seems bleak and cloudy, just know that you are a strong man and it is your responsibility as a husband, brother and friend to maintain the strength to continue on. You got this man, do not let this shit conquer you mentally. It may have a hold on you physically, but it can NEVER take your heart, mind and soul from you.
As you and Lynn know, I am here for you both in any way possible. @fundthefuture is launching at the end of this week and you will be the first series of features. I will do anything and everything in my power to provide moral support and any kind of aid. You just have to agree to not roll over for that shit. Give it Hell, not the other way around. Fight brother, even when you feel you have no fight left, remember your wife who loves you like no other and everyone out here in your corner. Fight!
We here at SGG have nothing but love for you guys. Brian, please, feel free to join in the group and post your poetry in the promo rooms and such. Let us be here for you my friend. I hope to see ya in there!
https://discord.gg/AkzNSKx
Thank you my brother. I am ans always have been a fighter but it is the hardship on my girl that now makes it harder. I am trying to continue and trying to win but when your girl has to go without groceries at times or see me in such despair. I see the sadness in her eyes at the pain I am in. I thank you for what you are doing here and more thank anything I thank you for being her friend, her ears, and I pray you all never stop as she is the most wonderful, unique and caring individual you could ever meet. I am scared not of dieing my brother, not of failing but of leaving her without support. I now know in my heart she has it all right here with you all. I will look at the SGG but my energy is so little these last days. Thank you my friend for all the words and you seem to read me well.
Brian... Man, I cant even begin to act like I know what youre going through. I cant fathom the pain youre in, both physically, mentally and emotionally. I cant tell you to keep fighting, to be strong. All I can truly do is to tell you to take in every day like its your last. To love and allow yourself to be loved. To realize, even though theres not much strength left in those bones, your strength in the past will always be remembered. Please know, you are thought about and prayed for by many many people daily, not for life but for peace. Know that you did everything right. Know that even though you will eventually leave this hell, the love Lynn has for you will never die. Know that we will all be here, open armed when that dreadful day will come and Lynn wont have to go through this alone. When that raven comes to take you home, please go peacefully knowing you lived, you loved and you fought a good fight. Many many many love, hugs, thoughts and prayers for you and your beautiful wife.
you have made me cry Smilie....I am so afraid for her not me dieing. We have been a 24/7 couple and I dread her lonliness. We play games on each other well we did alot but not so much now because of my pain. But please on halloween she is so terrified of clowns. I mean really........remember that and take on my challenge to scare her someway here, it will make her laugh I promise
<3 You got it buddy! Sorry Lynn, the promise has been made! ;)
Come'on @smylie2005!! Clowns for godsakes??!! For the love of all things holy, keep the damn clowns to yourself haha
I appreciate the heads-up though ;)
LOL!! Hey, its his wish, who am I to break that!? The man said he wants clowns for you for Halloween, than you getting the damn clowns on Halloween! ;) Now, are you more scared of like IT or like birthday clowns?! Or both?? I can do both!
I always had a healthy apprehension towards clowns but then I read IT when I was in high school and that did it for me. ALL clowns freak me right out! Damn you and @briancourteau for telling you that :)
Oh, I am so sorry to hear that the pain is becomming to much too handle. Your fight has been incredible and there is no denying that love between you and your beautiful wife. The time to give up is something difficult for even me to discuss. You have fought an incredible fight and given all of us a new way to look at life.
It's very difficult indeed, and it's something I wish I didn't have to discuss at all. Thank you from Brian and I; your support is very much appreciated!
Never give up Brian. I truly believe there is a reason behind everything even when it seems there just can't be. Sending thoughts and prayers of love and comfort your way.
thank you my friend and I hope you travel every where happily, safely and to your hearts content. keep the wheels straight and you will discover beauty whereever you go
I am certain that I will. My life has been enriched just by being a very small part of your story. Be well my friend.
same . vice versa. Thank you
Been there . I have learned its the wrong answer . The pain it brings is far worse than anything else
There will come the time to go to the hospital . It will relieve some of the burdin on her . When that time is should be discussed . The worst thing would be to go in and out of the hospital .
No one can tell you how things should go . You have to make the decisions honestly between the two of you.
There are no right or wrong answers
That is so true to a point
NO one, other than a man could endure what your going through . You are that man .
You're response is perfect @wolfhart. Thank you so much for always being here (even before me this time:)
well this is hard to respond too, lol. I promise you no hospital even if it means self medication.............I refuse to go that way after I have suffered all this time. They say they cangove me morphine if I check in. well thay can fuck off. sorry for swearing. you my friend I thank you for the support you have shown me
Always
I did the morphine bit as an outpatient . Don't worry about the swearing . The stuff that came out of my mouth caused my wife to get baptised , 3 times . :) (just between you and me I lost all my teeth , keep that between us I have an image to keep up)
you hang in there and I'm always here
Oh Brian I have been watching over you and Lynn and you simply cannot give up now.
Yes what she is going through is hard. Yes it is difficult that you are going through a pity party. I know it because my sister went through the very same thing and she felt that if she was gone that everything will return to normal.
Well the thing is if you are gone then things will not be the same. You won't be there.
Hold on till you can, hold on to the life you have with her, breathe that last breath together with her holding your hand and knowing that she loves you with all her heart.
We are here to send you some positive energy. You will get through this and know she loves you for all your strength and all your weaknesses.
Oh @maverickinvictus, now it is your turn to make me cry. You understand and and see how difficult this all is, but I believe you are right, things will never be the same when he is gone. Brian and I both appreciate your positive energy, kind words, support and love. I see that it makes a difference when Brian is reading these...so thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you are doing.
I am pretty sure I will not get through this easily but I am so content for the friends she has here and I know you will give her the comfort she will need. Thank you from my heart
This is so unbelievably touching @briancourteau. I know your fight has been painful but try to take it day by day and seek any pain killers. Do as much as you can to stay with your daughter as long as you can. I know you want to leave her behind the life insurance, but just try holding on. This post was very touching. I need to get my physical done and check ups to monitor my health. I appreciate you sharing your deeply personal experience.
Thank you but too let you know its my wife I speak off so you can quickly edit yoye comment. Still it means the same to me your words. Thank you again
Hang in there! Positive thoughts as your body heals!
Best wishes to you. It must be very difficult and I'm sorry for the pain. Here's a bigger upvote to help with the bills.
Brian is completely overwhelmed with all of this right now, so I'm reponding to you on our behalf. We are both so very thankful for your continued support and generosity. Thank you doesn't even come close to expressing how we feel.
And from me, I have to say thank you for helping him realize that there are so many people who care about his existence. He went back to bed this morning a shell of a man, but I can see some renewed purpose again in him, even though I know he feels like a burden to me. To say this is a trying time is pure drivel, but it is, and just know that you are lightening that load for me with everything that you are doing. xx
Hey, @donkeypong, Thank you for helping Brian and Lynn! I only know them from Steemit, but they have become like family to me, so it means a lot that you would help them out. Thank you!
@donkeypong, on behalf of the community as a whole, we want to thank you for your compassion towards Brian's battle. Thank you, this speaks volumes for your character and heart. I am following you now (in a non creepy way lol). Hats off to you for doing that, seriously!!!
What an amazing person you are for helping them like that.
The power of clicks.
i see you help brian and lyn, you good job for my friend, I hope God will repay your kindness. thanks very much Sir
You are obviously a man of few words when it comes to this, so thank you again for your support and your appearance here. It means the world to us!
Thank you for your kindness and help to people in need.
Thank you so much for your kindness, @donkeypong. Truly appreciated.
Thank you so much Tom
I watched my husband go thru the same thing and I'm so sorry for both of you! Staying strong for each other is about all you can do.
Aww @sunnieside, again, I'm so sorry that you can relate. Thank you for your words; you know there's not much more that can be said.