Lost
Hi guys,
Unfortunately I am lost in the woods and won’t be able to write a blog today.
I know, I know. It’s such a simple thing. Just your basic hike through the forest, and I went and royally fucked it all up. How is it possible for someone to fuck up a hike this bad? How did I manage to get this goddamn lost? Why am I such a bad hiker? I know you probably want to tell me exactly how I fucked up this hike and explain to me exactly how I can avoid fucking it up next time, but please don’t bother. I’ll get even more lost if you do that, guaranteed.
Maybe you want to know where I’m currently lost. Of course you do. Everyone does. Well, that much I can tell you. Here is the spot:
No, I don’t remember how I got here, but it feels like I’ve been out here for eons. Time kind of loses meaning when you get this fucking lost. Don’t ever go hiking with me! I’m bad at it!
So, I found a tree with some arrow signs on it out here. But they don't make any sense. They're just confusing to me:
What do those arrows mean? Which way am I supposed to go? Straight down? Slightly up and to the left? Some other invisible direction, maybe? Am I supposed to just spin one of the arrows and then go in whatever direction it points? Your guess is as good as mine. Better, probably. This is all so confusing. I should be able to figure this out but I can’t. I’m not just bad at hiking, I'm bad at signs, too! Don’t ever let me be the one responsible for figuring out signs, especially if we go hiking together!
Speaking of signs and me being bad at them, I also found another sign out here with some words on it. I can't seem to read the words, though:
What does that mean? Where am I? Why can’t I figure out all these signs? I must be an even worse hiker than I already thought. I’m a terrible hiker. I don’t know what to do and I’m confused. Please help. Don’t tell me what to do. I can get myself out of this mess. Help, I’m lost! No I’m not! I don’t need help. I’m going to figure out how to get out of these goddamn woods and then I’m going to go write a goddamn blog! Maybe!
I did it before, and I’ll do it again, I think.
Thanks?
you're online typing, so while data still works launch google maps, put in your abode address and set transport mode to walking (it's like hiking but 2D) to get back, don't trust google when it ask you to u-turn, that means you're fcuked
Done. I think it worked. Am I supposed to be standing outside the Googleplex right now?
yes...especially if you get to get in for free and walk out with a nice pixel2 and free tablet and pc, err....help a Steemian out...get a 2nd pixel2 for me while you're inside
You should take Kevin with you. He would never get lost
You're right. Next time I should invite Kevin. I haven't seen him for a while, though. I think I might have done something to scare him away.
Maybe he just wasn't comfortable knowing you'd made him a celebrity and he's gone to get a squirrel lawyer to check on his legal rights before he sues you? Or maybe he just went to see his in-laws for summer.
Who knows goats these days..
Yeah, goats are kinda flaky. Especially Kevin.
It's actually a bit comforting to think about getting sued, because that means I will definitely get found at some point.
Spin the arrows!!
Tried that. Still lost. I need some different arrows to spin. Maybe if I keep wandering around these woods I'll find more arrows.
I will light a fire, if you start to get all chokey with smoke you are on the right track. I think
Great idea. I will stand right here and make up some super woke jokes about lost blokes doing the hokey-pokey until I get some smoke to choke on. Maybe!
You can do it! I believe in you, man. You still have internet access, so that's good. Don't Panic. Don't even bother using those map apps though,they'll make you even more lost. Close your eyes and go to whatever direction your feet takes you.
I followed your advice and now I seem to be equally lost except somewhere in the Himalayas. What now?
If you're in the Himalayas, I mean if you're absolutely sure, then you're in luck. Drop down on all fours and howl like a wolf for four times. Then, fold your legs, meditate and count to 240 backwards. After doing so, howl like a wolf again. Repeat it 7 more times, and the answer will come to you. Trust me on this.