(Part 2 of 2) Armchair Musings #2 - Who Says What You Can Or Can't Love Someone For?!

Hey Guys,

This is the second and final part of the titled Armchair Musings. If you haven't already, be sure to read the first one here.

Enjoy!

And as always, all images are courtesy of Pixabay.

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Girl A scales through easily. She just says sense of humour, and other nice sounding stuff, and tada! Relationship! She could say that so easily because that’s an “acceptable” thing to love someone for.

Guy B on the other hand, is in hot water.

In a perfect world, Guy B would respond, “Honestly, I like you for your body. Your chest especially, it’s so crazy, but in a good way. You probably have other things going for you, but this is what I’m interested in. You good with that?” And then Girl B will do whatever she wants with that. But the belief that it’s somehow wrong to love someone for their physical qualities has somehow warped this situation.

In the current, imperfect world that we live in, Guy B would spout some nonsense about her soul shining bright in the darkness of the world. He’ll talk about how her mind inspires him to pass his exams and heal the sick. A simple brain wave from her glorious mind will send ripples across the space-time continuum!

Now, maybe Guy B likes all of this stuff for real. Maybe Girl B is really this amazing. But the problem is, he didn’t add his main draw, for fear of what she might think; her body. Now Girl B and Guy B are in a relationship, Girl B for whatever she sees in Guy B, and Guy B for his reasons, both the open ones, and the hidden one.

It all goes to shit at maintenance. 

Girl B believes he loves her for her brain waves, and all that stuff. She maintains it, essentially doing whatever she’s been doing to get to that level. Being widely read, asking questions, basically just being awesome mentally.

Peppery Noodles

Take this hypothetical: A lecturer gives an assignment. He happens to like peppery ramen (don’t question it, just go with it). The assignment is that you need to outline the ingredients necessary to, for instance, boil noodles. Now when he taught the class, he said everything;noodles, water, seasoning, etc. But he misses out on one important thing…he doesn’t say pepper. 

Now, all the other things are important, sure. But pepper is just as important. You could essentially boil noodles without the pepper, but he doesn’t like it that way. It’s just soggy strings of plastic without pepper. Tasteless. Boring. And, as far as he’s concerned;

Unlovable.

Now, we’re back to Girl and Guy B. 2 months into the relationship, Girl B discovered a place to buy Snickers (the actual thing, not the “fun-sized” lies) at 1 cent per bar. She goes nuts on it, and puts on a little weight. Her friends tell her she’s getting a little chubby, but she doesn’t give that much a damn. She knows her boyfriend loves her for all the other qualities he mentioned. “My body is just a bonus!”, she screams, spitting chunks of Snickers from her mouth. 

Guy B on the other hand, is losing his mind. His Coke-bottle-shaped girlfriend is turning into a sack of potatoes. His friends have started calling her Madame Michelin. Finally, after much consultation with his chi, he decides to end things with Girl B. 

Blame Game

Right off the bat, Girl B is blameless. She maintained what she thought was the reason he was in love with her. Sure, it could be argued she should have “implied” her body was important, but it’s waiting for people to assume things that puts a lot of relationships in trouble. So we’ll ignore that angle.

Refocus

Let’s focus on Guy B. His main sin; he wasn’t honest. If he had told Girl B from the beginning that most of the reason he was with her was her body, she could’ve made a decision to either slap him and leave, or accept things as they are and enter the relationship. But the general idea of loving people for “shallow” reasons pushed him to dishonesty. No excuse, yes, but a reason nonetheless. There’s an important distinction. 

If he HAD been honest, and she still went on her Snicker rampage, and he dumped her, then he’d be in the clear. There’s a lesson my mother taught me that’s stuck with me (I conveniently forgot or unlearned the others), 

“Before starting a relationship, you need to be extremely selfish. Find someone who meets the exact combo of the qualities you want, and hope that you have the combos they want”.

You can worry about the other person and their stuff after the relationship starts. Before then, look out for numero uno. But for that to work, you have to make sure you've been upfront about what you want.

In summary, the key factor is honesty. Love someone for their heart, their mind, their body. Their kindness, money, sense of humour, fear of God, crazy looking feet, taste in music, ability to deftly climb trees and pluck mangoes, macho, taste in fashion, hookups at the thrift store. 

It. Doesn’t. Matter.

Just be honest from the get go, without caring what other people think, and you’ll do just fine.