Journal of an eXstatic Life #4, StarTribe 4

alexstacy (48)in #life • 7 years ago (edited)

These are raw excerpts from my past journals and not necessarily in exact order or dated. I'll include as much of what I've written as my ego will allow. I will usually avoid interpersonal entries that contain names, however, when I feel it may be potent to include a section that mentions someone, I will replace the name with an animal or fruit. You may not understand all of the references I make, but perhaps you will find it part of the xoetry. Thank you for respecting these vulnerable shares. May they bring you inspirations.

eX·stat·ic
ek'stadik,ik'stadik
adjective
1.feeling or expressing overwhelming happiness or joyful excitement.
synonyms: enraptured, elated, in raptures, euphoric, rapturous, joyful, overjoyed, blissful
2.involving an experience of mystic self-transcendence.
"an ecstatic vision"
noun
1.a person subject to mystical experiences.
src

Where We Left Off~ January 19th- February 20th, 2016

*February 6th, 2016
Feeling a little lost in Boulder. Not sure what to do with myself, and though I usually don't mind that, winter seems to give it an unsettling feeling. Comfort food at Zoe Mama's will keep me happily occupied for now.
I'm trying to feel into the reasons for my loneliness. I'm almost constantly surrounded by the most amazing people I know. I love being by myself. I am happily married to myself, and yet there is a level of depth I seem to be craving from human interaction that has not been very present recently. It seems I crave intimacy that I am unwilling or uncomfortable to share with 99% of the people I am around. How can I be so closed to these opportunities when it feels like what I want most?
Instead of becoming less picky and particular, I feel more so. No one is the right fit, the resonant vibration. The few who come close enough are not available on any real level for any kind of continuous practice or depth. I know all the cliché, affirmational platitudes to run through, and they are all true and present with me as I traverse this. Yet it does nothing to quelch this overly tempered passion awaiting its conduit. I will not be a nun for "god", because god is in all and my lovemaking art us best expressed upon interactive canvases.
Some karmic knots must be untied before I understand what this shallow run has been about. I will not turn away from knowing myself better, and I cannot shake this feeling of desire for a crazy love heart explosion. I will certainly be blessed at the most ripe time in my experience, but the anticipation is a flavor I am not paletting well. On to Shine for an Aquarian sisters celebration.
Om Mani Padme Hum

*February 8th, 2016
Feeling almost paralyzed in my momentum. I have $60 left from my Oregon escapades and it's time to work for the dollars again... yet I'm almost completely unmotivated to seek immediate financial gain. As all the options of forward motion swirl in my head, none of them move me. So I sit in my car overlooking Boulder Creek and attempt to just be until that perfect calling. And what would that look like? What could jumpstart my desires? Truly I know motion alone could begin to carve the path I can construct towards perfection, but then why not just be satisfied where I am? I guess I am satisfied, otherwise I surely would have moved by now. So many options... all lacking the pull to cure this paralysis. Just my mind and Moxie to keep me company... and I like it that way, though I am realizing how much I rely on others for inspiration in this space. I know I have a wide source of comrades I could call upon, and it's not out of lack of appreciation for their presence that I do not feel called to reach out to them. A lover would move me and I certainly have options of unexplored connections in that realm, yet only familiarity seems to beckon.
Such a strange place I am finding myself in. Uncomfortable in my own skin and unwilling to force a change until it comes. Perhaps it was/is my hope that writing will untie some of the knots that bind me. I will only discover this once I put the ink and pen to rest, close this book, and find where I am at... with it all.
Xoetry (follow link for excerpt)

*February 10th, 2016
What happens when we name our emotions?
Though we are attempting to move within our relationships, we often limit the complexities that go into creating a feeling once we label it. We have a large palette of emotions and the varying combinations are what create the flavors of our feelings in any moment. And what about when we try to recall the taste of it from the past?
Does the memory last in a way that honors more than our perspective? Can we with accuracy recall the experience once we place it in a box of (un)describable parts?

Current Reflections: April 7th, 2018

Song of the Day~Please Press Play

Artwork by Alex Grey

It's been a mostly dreary day. I awoke so sensitive to everything.
There were a few hours of sun which I utilized to do some more work getting my RV space prepared. When the rain started, I cleaned a bit before being lulled into a long nap by the pleasant pitter patter on my roof. I awoke to the arrival of a beloved coming to visit. He was in a bleak mood, but we went out to get some Middle Eastern food in Manitou. Our conversations were intense, and I felt as though I was treading water in a sea of nihilism. He felt guilty coming in such a state when the Intention was to come celebrate my birthday. I didn't resent the experience.
Intension.
I let it all wash over me. Tears came. He tried to console me, but I told him I wanted to just feel it. I didn't want to talk through it, though we did intermittently. I don't get to cry very often. When I do, everything comes up. I get to feel it all. Allow all the pain to be heard so I can do something about it in the remembered awareness. It cleanses the pathways~~~

"Pure as we begin
Pure as we come in
Pure as we begin
Pure by will alone
Pure as we begin
Here we have a stone
Gather, place, raise, so
Shelter turns to home
Pure as we begin
Here we have a stone
Throw to stay the stranger
Swore to crush his bones
Move by will alone

Spark becomes a flame
Flame becomes a fire
Light the way or warm this
Hope we occupy

Spark becomes a flame
Flame becomes a fire
Forge a blade to slay the stranger
Take whatever we desire

Move by will alone

Pure as we begin

Pure as we begin
Move by will alone
Leave as we come in
Pure as light, return to one

Move by will alone" -Tool, Intension

Infinite Love,
Alexis aka @alexstacy

P.S.

Reflections on feelings about sharing this journal:
I go back and forth, as I knew I would, in believing I should be sharing this. I've shared excerpts here and there with some close to me, and more than once I've been told to put it out there. It's this seeming request from the UnIverse that allowed me to hit Post that first time, and each time since.
I'm really enjoying the experiment so far. It is playing with my ego.
I have so far resolved to never purposely promote this series outside of my posts, and let it be something that people just find. I ultimately feel inspired to transcribe these for myself, kind of as insurance.
Blockchain~~~In case this paper should expire.
Spark becomes a flame
Flame becomes a fire
May these words never bind me
But only lift us higher