Burdened by the thoughts of others you love and the ones that don't care about you at all, it is never too late to make a change that could save your life.

The darkness

Two years ago, in the midst of a real low point in my being, i took an extended period off work on sick leave due to an inability to concentrate, engulfed in negative thoughts around how my life was and how impossible it felt to adjust it for the better.

A number of factors weighed down on me, the heaviest being how my child and her mother thought of me and how they would think of me if i made changes to my life, which were becoming essential to my immediate and future mental health. In the extreme, i was suffering 'pre-sleep nightmares' which would be something like, my daughter and I on a plane to a holiday destination, only for the plane to nose-dive to destruction. These thoughts would make me wince and turn in bed in fear, i wasn't asleep, just being attacked by really horrible visions.

My daughters mother and I separated early in my daughters life, and even before she was born i suffered plenty of verbal and physical abuse. 'Your going to end up like your dad', 'no you're not going out to see friends' were quite popular. During this time and following the split, my daughter has been mainly used as a bargaining tool against me, and it's hard to describe how tough it is to just 'suck it up' knowing that anything negative would lead to me missing out on a weekend. This was pretty much the deal for next 8 years following my child's birth. And in this time, and until today, I've paid all i am legally obliged to and much more, never said a negative word to my daughter regarding her mother, and stayed in a city for her that i'd fallen out of love with years prior.

Being a distant father, with access mainly at weekends only was becoming tougher as my daughter was finding friends at school and becoming more involved in activities such as swimming, which requires training 4/5 times a week. The early years were pretty tough, so far from from the vision i had of the perfect family, but now my daughter was busy doing what children do at weekends and, without blame on her of course, had less time for me.

So with friends leaving town, the end of a relationship, and work not feeling right at all, i suffered the winter blues (or Seasonal Affective Disorder) for the final time in UK and decided i needed to make a big change and literally, find sunshine in my life. A conversation with friends led us to Majorca to look at a small shop we were interested in buying, and after a short stay we decided to take the plunge. I knew then that my mood would be lifted in the future, but i had some talking to do with my daughter before i could set myself on this new journey.

The conversation was tearful, the both of us crying and silent following my explanation to who i felt, and still do, is a level headed young girl. Later that weekend we spoke about holiday visits and spending time at the beach which would be 50 metres from the Shop. I dropped my daughter off that Sunday evening, part of me thinking the worse was over, and another part wondering what would be in store the following weeks.

The next day i received a set of text messages from my daughters mother. She wanted me to allow her partner to adopt my daughter, it would mean i didn't have to support her, but also mean i wouldn't legally have any access rights either. When i asked if they would let me see her, the answer was an emphatic 'no'. Obviously i didn't accept, the conversation turned particularly hostile and started looking into child court proceedings. I eventually lost the case to allow my daughter 1/2 visits a year to Spain, around 8 months later, but this is perhaps a tale for another day.

Tuesday morning, a letter dropped through the mailbox, it was from my daughters grandma, a few exerts for your viewing 'pleasure' below.

Reading this letter again today, it no longer has the effect on me it did that morning. Riddled with spelling mistakes, one side of the story, lies, and even threats, already low in self esteem it almost broke me, but it also confirmed to me that a move from the town i lived, before it ate me from the inside out, was essential to my health.

The light

I left the town in England, following my resignation from a decent job i'd held for 13 years, and spent a few months with my brother before moving to Majorca. I spent a lot of time with my friends, a couple with good spirits, riding my bike and spending plenty of time in the sunshine. My mind, although still wondering how people felt of me, was more preoccupied with my life, more than in many years previous, and this felt new and right.

I started reading and meditating again, cycled more, and sought other methods to untangle the negative thoughts that were ingrained into the past decades' memories. Finding the below video progressed this further, and i fully recommend a watch to anyone who spends time wondering what others may think about them.

How to stop caring (so much) about what people think of you

Today, i no longer live on the island of Mallorca, but have continued my self-progression and healing in the city of Valencia, Spain. I keep regular contact with my daughter, and although this is not perfect, it's the best it can be and i live happily and without regrets, regarding the sacrifice and huge change i made in my life.

I hope this blog may serve useful to some readers, and perhaps provide the necessary push for anyone feeling low to make changes to their lives for the better. It is time to put YOU first.

Furthermore, this may also act as a future note to my daughter, in which case, I love you and miss you so much, and hope you can one day understand.

Thanks for reading, Asher.