A lot of things happened since 2020 took over the world by massive news about war, natural calamity, explosions, end of contracts, and more and more news that made us felt like January is so long and exhausting,lonely and causes anger. Personally, I also had a lot of downs from the start of this 2020 drama. A lot of stress pressured me down to the point that I don't want to get up anymore, I don't want to work or socialize. I can't function properly, and my normal life (which is perceived by other people around me as weird and awkward) became so devastating. That is a big word, but from my point of perspective, it is really devastating.

I again started to think about my life, my future. What if's has clouded my mind and kept me idle for days. I literally cried in every single days of January even because of small things. My anxious self kept reminding me that these people don't want me in their lives, they want me out ! WIPE OUT

I thought that if I go to that specific place, people will judge me to the bones and it's crushing me. I became a lonely wanderer who ate all the negativity and manifest the effects of these in front of the people I love. It hurts me seeing them angry with me, but I kind of let it happen, I started it, I should deal with it.

I tried to find the positivity but ended up watching and hearing all those false positivity and false hopes. Should I just stop searching for the meaning and causes of my misfortune? Should I walk away from these problems ?

It turns out that I am just running away from these troubles and making it big like a wildfire ! I am full of darkness and unseen hands kept me down , pulling me to the center of the earth. I just want to rest, I just want to....

Yes that thing came to my mind again.
I thought it's the only escape.
It's the only hope I could reach.
Thinking that maybe at the end of my breathe, I can finally find the light and peace.

captured by @kulaykahoy 2020

But as the famous quote says, when life gives you lemons...
you got to make a juice out of it.

This negativity, these problems I encountered helped me to assess myself into a realization that I am living, I am alive and I must thrive.

I learned that these pain is essential to mankind. Without it, we will not know our limitations and capacity. Because of pain, we know that something is off and wrong. We will not look for remedy if not for the pain. Some pain are tolerable, some are just toxic for living mind.

I started to read a book again to deliver myself away from stress. I started to look at simpler things in life like trees and how they grow with their patterns and colors, the sunset that is always magnificent, the army of red ants and how coordinated they are. Little things that are often neglected and unrecognized.