LGBTQ+ Talk: Sexual and romantic orientations | Labels?!
For some people, knowing their sexual orientation was never a problem, but for others, the whole process of finding the right label was a rollercoaster, to the point that many people still see themselves in the dark when it comes to answering that question after years of doubt.
On my previous post I talked about the different types of attraction. If you read it, you might remember that I mentioned a couple times how different sexual and romantic attraction are, and how often people take them both as one or mistake one for the other.
Typically, I’d explain that your sexual and romantic orientation refer to the gender(s) or sex(es) that you may be sexually and romantically attracted to, based on your own gender; however, I want to add to it that these are also linked to the intensity with which you feel these types of attraction.
A person can experience no sexual attraction, but still experience romantic attraction, just like it is possible for someone who doesn’t experience romantic attraction to experience sexual attraction.
So, actually, the usual "straight" and "gay" orientations aren't the only ones out there to explain someone's attraction towards someone else, and there are other concepts like asexuality, graysexuality and demisexuality, applicable as well to romatic orientation that many don't even know exist.
The Basics:
- A heterosexual/heteroromantic person feels sexually/romantically attracted to people of gender other than their own.
- A homosexual/homoromantic person experiences sexual/romantic attraction towards people of the same gender as their own.
- A bisexual/biromantic person feels sexually/romantically attracted towards people of their own gender as well as to people of genders other than their own.
- A pansexual/panromantic person feels sexually/romantically attracted to someone regardless of their gender identity.
- A polysexual/polyromantic person feels sexual/romantic attraction towards people of multiple (but not all) genders.
- An asexual/aromantic person doesn't experience any sexual/romantic attraction at all.
- A graysexual/grayromantic person rarely ever experiences sexual/romantic attraction.
- A demisexual/demiromantic person only is able to experience sexual/romantic attraction towards somebody after a strong emotional bond is developed.
It is normal not to know what your sexual or romantic orientation is, and you must remember that you do not need an actual label to be happy or to be yourself.
For example, I only started using the word “bisexual” to describe myself about three years ago, though I have experienced romantic and sexual attraction towards both girls and boys since I can remember. Nobody ever asked what my orientation was when I was younger, people assumed that I was straight and nobody ever talked about it at school or at home.
In my case, it wasn’t as easy as “I like girls and boys, and it means I’m bisexual, done.” Sometimes I still question if I might also be demisexual, and I wonder if I’m only bisexual, thinking I might really be pansexual, and that’s okay.
It is normal to feel confused sometimes, and in the world we live in, I dare to say that it's almost impossible not to. You certainly don't need a lable, but if you feel you do, then it's important for you to try and find out where you might "fit".
I say it's fine if you don't feel ready to use an exact word for it, and it's okay to take your time to get to know yourself. We humans are complex beings, and we might not always have an immediate answer when we're asked about our sexuality.
What do you think about labels?
What's the difference between sex and gender? | Sex, gender identity, gender expression, and more!
The Transgender umbrella and non-binary gender identities | Female and male are not it!
Guide to start being a trans ally | Basic manners, gender neutral pronouns, and more!
The different types of attraction | It’s not all about sex and romance!
First of all this post is so pretty ! Secondly i fn hate the labels but also need them!! Just need to know that human labels are not like object labels. We contain many things and one label is only a small part oc our contents. ;) also whats inside is not always easily definble as you have mentioned.
I had the opposite experience as you. Growing up-- since about...14?? Ppl started saying /joking that i was gay. Not constantly. It enough to internalize self hate and become homophobic!!! As recently as 4 years ago i was invited to the gay pride parade in boston and refused to go bcause " im not gay!!!" :S meanwhile im dreaming about women and getting way to attached to my best friends....
But as a bisexual person its confusing! Because maybe its "just a phase" (20 year closeted phase for me) and i am still attracted to men. Granted, people think the men im dating arent "manly enough" and that gets confusing too. Just because a man is sensitive and passive and or even has a high voice doesnt mean : a. They are secretly gay or b: they are secretly a woman.
It means you have a limited concept of gender ( yes im talking to my sister who loves me in my head)
First of all, thank you very much! Your comment was very insightful <3
I completely understand that internalized hatred that we acquire after such a long time of being exposed to the negativity that it would imply being someone slightly different, in a way. And not only with sexual orientation but in all aspects of our lives.
I have felt confused sometimes, but after a little instrospection I realized that my confusion didn't come from within but actually from all the things people could say to "help me make up my mind" because they couldn't comprehend what it meant not to be straight. It was that insecurity from before that made me question my whole existence sometimes!
Thank you for using "attracted towards people of their own gender as well as to people of genders other than their own" as the definition for bisexuals. Too often bisexuals get a bad rap for being "binary" or "transphobic" because the old definition says we are attracted to 1) men and 2) women. @limabeing is right, we need labels, and I feel bisexual fits me and helps me know who I am. I can also say I'm "queer" but it doesn't fit as snuggly as "bi." But bisexual doesn't necessarily mean we are only attracted to binary people. I've enjoyed moments with trans and nonbinary folks too :)
supper
Certainly!!!
I've been asked questions about bisexuality, and I've heard it all, including things like "If bisexuality exists, then there are only two genders" one too many times, and you know what? I'm tired of having my sexuality used as a foundation for ignorant comments, you know?
So yeah, you're absolutely right and I'm so so so so happy you made that comment!
Bisexual means we are attracted to two genders, that's what bi means!
<3
Thanks for sharing!
I really hate labels, not just for sexuality, either. I hate it when mental illness labels seem to define someone as well. At any rate, I also know sometimes we WANT a definition or label so that we can find our... niche? Our groups? Or just to make a conversation on the topic easier. Still, I find myself stumbling around all kinds of labels quite often. I'm not good with them.
My youngest daughter came out as gay when she was younger (I don't really remember exactly when, it was a non-event in our house), but then this year (she turned 17) there was this one boy she started having feelings for. I think the "WHOA, MOM, I think I have those feelings for a BOY... WTF?" talk was more of an event than the "hey, btw, I'm gay" talk.
I was like, "So, maybe you are more attracted to the person than the gender?" (I'm awful with knowing all the proper terms, please don't kill me if I got it wrong.)
She was all worried that her siblings would freak (who are all close, but infamous for giving each other a really hard time about everything in fun), but they all handled it with complete grace and humor in a very nice way.
I told her at the time that I had always thought I was purely straight until I hit around her age and met a girl... so it's just not something that I think everyone just knows or hell, maybe it's just fluid for some people.
I often find myself wondering if I did/do handle these conversations right, especially because I feel so ignorant with the proper labels and phrasing of things. Thank you for this post. It is so well stated and incredibly helpful.
It's important to know how to handle this kind of conversations, and I think you did it just fine, letting her know that she didn't need to tag herself with a specific sexuality, and that it was okay to not just know.
Maybe she will "know" some day, and maybe she won't, and that's perfectly okay, and she can live happily in any of those situations because labels aren't a life or death thing- they're just concepts that, as you mentioned, can help us find our niche in an easier way.
I'm so glad you made this comment, I really appreciate it. Thank you so much <3
Thank you for the reassurance! The hardest thing about parenting (for me) is that even when you're trying to do it 'right' you never QUITE know for sure if you did it right. There is no year end review or report card!
Thank you for this. It's really informative. Like so many others, I don't like labels, and yet they can be really helpful in helping us figure out more about who they are, especially in transition periods in life. I have always figured I am who I am, but it has helped me to know that romantic and sexual can be different. It sort of gives me a better understanding of the current chaos in my brain.
I'm glad you liked it! And yes, it's hard to think one could just find a label and stick to it to define ourlselves for the rest of our lives, and we shouldn't unless we feel absolutely comfortable with them! However, it really does help us get a grip on our confusions most times.
Right. It's good to know there are additional options other than the ones accepted and pushed by mainstream society.
I use bisexual, even though I'm likely heteroromantic heterosexual, and demisexual/demiromantic towards men. But that's a mouthful.
It is a mouthful, however I think it feels nice to be specific when someone asks you.
I don't think anybody has ever asked me what my sexual orientation is. Sometimes there are introduction posts on various social media, yes, but then it's not someone.
Homosexual here... but I prefer the term Gay. I don't know why but I have never liked the term Homo don't ask me why because I cannot give you an answer lol. This is an excellent write up thank you so much for sharing I learned a lot from the post.
Thank you so much for your comment! I appreciate it, and I'm glad you learned ❤
I feel you lol. For some reason l feel the terms "homo", "hetero", are a little impersonal? I don't know, hah.
<~~~ Sapiosexual
So wonderful 😍 if you don't mind me asking, do you think the term sapiosexual has any distinction towards gender?
I think the same with you, and as I've read "the basics", I get to ask myself, "oh, maybe I'm not just bisexual". Hahaha! This is great post. Thanks!
I feel you, haha! I'm very glad you liked this post, I hope you stick around for the next ones!
Me gusta encontrar publicaciones que incentiven el respeto y cariño entre todos los seres sintientes, aunque yo solo siento hambre ja ja ja.
Eres una chica encantadora, me has colaborado siempre, y te quiero mucho porque tienes una calidad humana increíble, eres sensible y este post es la muestra de lo grande que es @mariacaffrey :)
Muchas gracias Margarita <3 Aprecio demasiado cada comentario tuyo! Y sin dudas es importante fomentar la tolerancia entre nosotros mismos, así como cultivar la información que llegue a las demás personas enfocandonos en que sea la información más acertada. Hago lo posible para ello <3
De verdad que me sacaste una enorme sonrisa :)
Good post! :-)
I recognize labels can both help and hinder people. As a psychologist I am used to labels and use them, but also try to look beyond them first: who is this person? What does he or she need/want? What label do I know that helps me understand what this person needs? And, most importantly: is the thing I use to help this person indeed helpful according to this person? If yes, YAY, if not: why not and how can we both find something that works?
It's how I treat people in life: if you want to give me a label: fine, but I will never assume I then know who you are, what you want, how you live, what you need. If you don't give me a label: fine too, let's just communicate and see who you are.
I completely agree.
Sometimes we can become blinded to who we really are if we try to become our label. We aren't labels, we are humans, and we might have happened to find a word that can describe us in a way, but not as a whole. So we shouldn't try to define ourselves only with labels, and we shouldn't try to do it with others either.
I want to quote @limabeing on this:
Thank you for your comment, it makes me very happy that you liked it <3