LGBTQ+ Talk: The different types of attraction | It’s not all about sex and romance!
...This is something people often forget about, but we have experienced different kinds of attraction towards different people since we were children, and we will probably continue to experience them for the rest of our lives.
It might sound crazy, but we can be attracted to random people, we can feel attraction towards our friends, our partners, our familiars, and even our favorite animal, only in different ways.
When we say we are "attracted to someone/something", we mean that this person/thing evokes our interest in some way. We feel drawn to them for some reason.
After some research, I have come to find there are five types of attraction: aesthetic, platonic, sensual, romantic and sexual attraction; being the last two the most known ones.
Aesthetic Attraction
This is what you feel when you look at a person and find pleasure on their appearance in an impersonal, non-sexual, non-emotional way; we are aesthetically attracted to someone when we feel pleasure on looking at them, but we don’t desire any special relationship or interaction with them.
This is what I feel when I see a random pretty girl at the train and I just admire her presence.
We can also feel this type of attraction towards an animal that we believe beautiful or an object we appreciate for the way it looks like a painting or a landscape.
Platonic Attraction
Also known as “emotional attraction”, it’s a non-sexual and non-romantic attraction to someone with whom you desire to form a strong emotional bond with.
You want a friendship with this person, you want to be close to them and have cool conversations with them. You want to make them happy and you feel the desire of being there for them and hoping they’re there for you too.
This is what I feel for all my friends and most of my family members. This is also what I have felt towards some of my teachers, and the nice cashier from the grocery store.
When you’re platonically attracted to someone, it means you gladly picture a caring, loving relationship with them without involving romance or sex.
Sensual Attraction
Also known as “physical attraction”, this is often part of platonic attraction, linked directly and strictly to corporal touch. Sensual attraction includes the desire of physical closeness (like holding, caressing, hugging, cuddling, or kissing someone).
“...Sensual attraction is the feeling you get when you see a fluffy kitten. For me, this term is a useful description for how I sometimes feel a random and inexplicable (but controllable) urge to touch people.” –Coyote on The Ace Theist
Sensuality can be represented, for instance, by the need of hugging someone to comfort them, or simply touching them in non-sexual ways, like we naturally would with our friends or family.
Romantic Attraction
This is a non-sexual attraction that includes the desire for a romantic relationship with a certain person.
Romantic attraction is often mistakenly taken as one of the two faces of a coin, along sexual attraction. Truth is, these two types of attraction can be felt individually and work perfectly one without the other.
I feel this attraction towards my significant other; the person I love and whom I desire loves me back.
If we’re romantically attracted to someone, we might want to date them, become a bigger part of their life, and maybe even marry them someday. Things like “love”, “care”, “protection”, “commitment” and “reciprocity” take a different, higher meaning for us when we relate them to that person.
Sexual Attraction
Attraction based on the aspiration of having sexual contact with someone. It’s the desire of engaging in exclusively sexual, arousing activities. This type of attraction is usually but not necessarily linked to romance and sensuality.
I can feel sexually attracted to someone I just met. I’m not even friends with them yet, nor do I love them, but I do wish to have sex with them regardless of those facts.
Just like that, we might sometimes be romantically attracted to someone, but feel absolutely no sexual desire towards them; likewise, we might feel sexually attracted to a person whilst not having any intentions of emotionally engaging with them.
It’s important to keep in mind that sexual attraction, sex drive and sexual orientation are concepts that might be related to each other but they’re not the same. Remember this, because it will be useful in the near future, when we learn about sexual orientation.
Since the dawn of time, we have felt attracted to other people, because humans are naturally social beings. Now, this doesn't mean that we search for a potential intimacy or romance on everyone we meet, and quite on the contrary, we are careful and selective when choosing who to become close with; colleagues, team mates, friends, and partners, all depending on the attraction we feel towards them.
There are different combinations of different types of attractions, and these define the kind of relationship we have with others.
Stick around to learn more about this in the next LGBTQ+ Talk with me!
What's the difference between sex and gender? | Sex, gender identity, gender expression, and more!
The Transgender umbrella and Non-Binary gender identities | Female and male are not it!
Guide to start being a trans ally | Basic manners, gender neutral pronouns, and more!
Special thanks to @atravelers.life and @penderis for the awesome text dividers. You can find this one and many more here.
This is a great post. I love the breakdown of myriad levels of attraction. Often the only one acknowledged is sexual attraction, but it's possible to desire closeness with different people in different ways, for sure!
I feel like I am missing one: intellectual attraction. I often find myself attracted to people I do not want to befriend or bed, but rather have long fascinating discussions with. I call those "brain crushes". I have one on @dan .
You are absolutely right. I find it hard to recognize from platonic attraction though-
However now I think about it, I have felt that way towards some people in my life.
Another terrific post in the series. As someone who's been functionally Ace for a few years now, I've experienced platonic a bunch. It was always a big part of my interactions, but now it's kinda the biggest.
Thank you! I was going to write right away about orientations but then I thought I had to mention the different kinds of attraction so it would be easier to understand later on :)
I'm sorry.
The slider only goes up to 100%.
:P
You are so sweet <3
Thank you!
I love this. It really gets to the heart of why we are drawn to and have an affinity for some people more so than others. The laws of attraction are at play in all of our relationships to some degree, and its not all sexual. Appreciate your consistent clarify, @mariacaffrey!
Thank you! I really think it's important to be consistent when it comes to "teaching" something that many people thought differently about- not as an opinion, but they thought they had the concept right and boom, here I come, wrecking those. Hahaha.
I nice article, I think it is a good starting point for
I love how you are platonically attracted to most of your family but all your friends. 😂
Thank you! And yes, I also thought this was a good intro for my next-way more specific- post regarding attraction.
Hahaha well, guess you can't feel the connection with just everybody LOL.
How fascinating. I find I often feel multiple types of attraction for some people. For example, I find many of my femme friends to be aesthetically attractive as well as platonically or sensually so. Romantic attraction is rather rare for me, and sexual attraction is extremely rare. So much of my life, though, I was confused about my feelings of attraction and felt guilty thinking what I was feeling was romantic and/or sexual. I wish I had this when I was younger. Thank you for sharing it now.
Thanks for writing this.
I often have trouble explaining to folks what it means that I'm aromantic, and it's definitely something many people just don't understand. I find I'm on the opposite side: I don't understand how romantic attraction is different from platonic attraction, because I form really intense bonds with some of my friends that are long-term committed relationships, but I don't experience romantic attraction and don't understand how it's different. It's extra, somehow? Idk. I've asked people to explain to me, and it still doesn't quite make sense. I'll keep muddling through, I guess! :D