depression and acceptance
I haven't written a post in quite a while. I haven't wanted to because I have been feeling conflicted about Steem, the platform, the people and the direction of the block-chain. Mostly I've been feeling conflicted within myself.
It was my one year Steemit birthday a week back, and I just couldn't work up any enthusiasm or positive energy to post what people might expect. Steemit isn't going how I wanted it to. I tried as best I could to make it work the way others do, but I feel like I failed in many ways. However I know giving up now would mean I've wasted a year of my life and thumbed my nose at my values.
My family has a history of various forms of mental "aberration", is what I prefer to call it. A split from the norm, yet in the scheme of things, not so very different from many families. I've suffered from low grade depression my whole life, like my father before me. It never really phased me because I thought it normal and despised the pathway of shrinks and narcotics to make me feel "normal". They never did, rather, they made me feel soul-less, degenerate and incomplete.
Recently the low grade became very serious full on depression, and I'm battling it as best I can. It isn't my natural state to be outgoing or easy going. I get too attached to people and expectations. I am very upfront with my feelings and opinions, which makes others uncomfortable.
I know some of the people I talk to can relate. Sometimes when you give what you have and people just don't seem to appreciate what you bring, it's difficult to know how to let go. I'm a helper. And now I'm not. It's a big loss of identity.
So now I'm not trying anymore. I am just gonna do whatever I feel like doing. Or I will be ok doing nothing. If someone likes it, thats good. If you don't, you all can fuck off and die. (just kidding), but hey if you don't like it, tell me why ffs, without insulting me or ramming it down my throat.
I don't always like what other people do, but sometimes I leave a comment anyway, just to show my support. And that's really what I need right now. People who like me enough to say they care, even if they don't like what I do, where I'm at or where I'm going.
Even though there are people on Steem who don't like me, I believe we share a lot of the same core values, which makes it difficult to write them off and walk away. I still believe in the mission, even though right now circumstances make it a bit onerous to be present when there are so many challenges. For my part, I can only do the best I can. And for every person that doesn't like me, I hope there are a few who do.
Peace to all, and I hope you enjoy my photos.
Energetics of this season, @torico. I've been feeling them too.
Hope you'll take care of you!
I'll be in the sauna and then salt bathing myself. Great time for energetic hygiene!
💘
thank you for saying hai. hope you are well! enjoy!
I am happy that you shared via this post. I reached out to you early today via Discord. There are those Steemians who do care. Beautiful photos.
thank you so much!!! while I might not say much I have heard all that you've said. much love and thanks for your support!
I feel you, dear. Perhaps not the entirety of your difficulty, but I know the deeply unsettling inner tumult of which you speak.
As is plainly clear from my most recent open-mic entry – this is a subject that is very much related to my present reality. Knowing how vulnerable it was for me to share that, I honor your own resilience and courage in posting this.
Sending tear-stained hugs your way. Beautiful photos, btw. <3
• for anyone else struggling with depression...a little song to make you feel less alone...I hope. •
its funny. to me i don't think it's brave. it's who I am. I share how I feel so people might know me, and some people get scared or feel offended or dont know what to say.
those who poke fun at others who are in their emotional process are insensitive bullies. I no longer give them the time of day, and I no longer tolerate their petty crap.
I used to be able to put my emotions into more palatable poetic forms. lately it comes out in concepts ive yet to fit to expression. so for now i use plain speak.
If I happen to say something that will help one other person relate or speak out or think about their emotion, I feel its worth any embarrassment, scathing comment, shaming or rolled eyes.
i've seen too many people give up hope, withdraw, overdose, etc and there is no reason for this -with all the voices and support out there - that this should be occurring.
I want to take the stigma away.
I love the photos, but I love you more :) I am not always the best person at reaching out and initiating contact but I hope you know I am always here if you need to chat. <3
love and hugs i know you are here. it gives me faith and gives me a reason to keep coming back.
Hugs to you. As a fellow depressive, I resonate with this a lot. I feel like I put people off - but other times I'm like, "I wish they would just tell me so I could know" because I don't know if I genuinely lost them or it's just depression telling me so.
Anyway ...glad to see you here. Happy belated Steemiversary, even if it was a dark and depressed one. I hope you feel better soon. <3
"I wish they would just tell me so I could know". I so feel that sentence at so many levels. while I might be sunk in angst one hour/day and calm the next, so few people have the patience to keep trying, because they are stuck in their own issues or depression that they are NOT talking about. and so we might talk to each other never knowing how the other feels. it's so easy to think other people are perfect, just as it would be so easy to listen and relate. i'm done feeling shamed by others - and myself - for how i feel. thank you for sharing this!
Well @torico we hope you feel better through these tough times. We look forward to seeing you at the September meetup in the Springs (:
ty! hope i can make it... right now we are having an awesome hail storm here. mother nature roolz
I enjoy your posts, especially your poetry, and I'm glad to hear you're not leaving us! Anyway, don't let the virtual bastards get you down... 😊
thanks geke!!! i love your posts too! thanks for the love and kind words :)
<3
thank you for all of your support, in every way <3
I love the honesty and openness of this post @torico, and I think it's a very courageous thing to do, even if you don't feel so yourself.
And yes, I did enjoy the photo's too :-)
Tanks for a beautiful post; I hope there's more to follow! ;-) <3
thank you!!! i like doing photos so I'm sure there will be more!
This post was shared in the Curation Collective Discord community for curators, and upvoted and resteemed by the @c-squared community account after manual review.
O,o ty!