Me and my anxiety
My names Steph and I would like to introduce myself I have previously written a post when I joined to tell people a bit about myself but now that I've been on steemit and seen others posts I realise that steemit is a community and I can be totally honest and candid about who I am and why I am the way I am.
When I was 17 I ran away from home to live with my then friend who was 10 years older than me and suffered a lot of abuse at his hands I left him 4 years later and moved 400 miles away only to get into yet another violent relationship for another 5 years of my life these are both stories for another day but what I wanted to talk about was the after affects of this abuse.
I am now 27 and have been free and clear of relationships for two years but I now suffer with crippling anxiety being in violent relationships completely stripped me of the little confidence I had at the time and has wore me down to the point where I hate leaving the house in fear of people looking at me judging me I feel like less of a person than everyone else
Things my anxiety makes me feel
. If I'm in a room, shop, pub even on the street and someone laughs and even looks in my direction I automatically think they're laughing at me
. I don't have any friends in social situations I don't really speak I try to fade into the background in fear of saying the wrong thing saying something that offends someone making a fool of myself
. I hardly sleep I over analyze every interaction I've ever had it could of happened months ago or today and I will go over and over and worry about something I've said or something someone else has said it could be harmless but it gets twisted in my head to the point where it wasn't harmless it was huge and awful
. I find it hard to leave the house alone I don't use public transport I will put things off over and over again until I can get a family member to come with me even for things as simple as shopping or a haircut
. I can't look people in the eye I walk around with my head down just so I don't have to see anyone looking at me or so I don't have to think people are looking at me
. I can't keep commitments with family or professional appointments I worry all the way to the actual event and then by the day it comes im so overwhelmed with worst case scenarios I stay home
. I can't accept compliments they literally make my skin crawl I get embarrassed and uncomfortable and I feel like I have to leave the situation just to feel better
These are just some of the pressures I deal with every single day being this anxious and scared all the time is exhausting and heartbreaking there's nothing I would love more than to be able to do things like other people go out, laugh, maintain proper relationships be, able to walk with my head held high but anxiety is crippling it can literally take over you're whole life.
The point of this story is to firstly raise awareness because there are so many people in the world who have to deal with anxiety on a daily basis some aren't as bad and others are a lot worse than mine and it's all about understanding that when you're dealing with anxious people they will ask you the same questions over and over do you love me? Do I look ok!? They will over apologise till your sick of hearing the word sorry but don't get mad just understand we're not trying to annoy you we just can't get out of our own heads!
The second reason for writing this is because I heard that writing things down that you find hard to talk about is still getting it out it's getting all your feelings out of your own head which is exactly what I need to do I wanted to share this post on steemit because I hide myself and my feelings a lot and I figure that if I can share my feelings on here then maybe I'll be able to share them in the future with the people who truly matter to me so this is me introducing myself the real me.
Thanks a lot for reading guys :) 
I have had allot of anxiety. Steemit is a good outlet for me. Welcome!
I'm sorry to hear that! But I'm glad steemit is helping writing this has made me feel a little better and people commenting and sharing they're own experiences really makes me feel accepted it's something I've not experienced in a long time :)
You did a good job writing that out :) I hope being able to share it has somewhat helped you. You're not alone.
I've suffered from social anxiety for as long as I can remember, and it's had no particular remembered cause, but I understand what you've written as If I had been the one to write it. The online world has opened up a lot more opportunities I think for people with certain types of anxiety because it's a means of communication without the face to face, which can help in the baby steps it takes to work to overcoming it.
With anxiety, like you would know, comes depression and other issues you face. You may feel trapped and suffocated within yourself and your 'safe zone'; everyones walk in the park feels like a mountain to overcome, and at the same time of not wanting to be around friends or want any, you do actually miss it and feel at loss from it, it's just you need people to accept the way you are, so you can relax because you can trust them, and you can be yourself. But, life is so fast paced, people usually see you in your anxious state and don't have the time to get to know you otherwise. Then, you see a person or group of ppl that the anxiety responds to and it sets of the fight or flight; looking into ppl's eyes feels like they're seeing straight into you and it's not their rejection, it's your rejection of yourself, or for those who have anxiety from trauma, an association from past experience?. Here you are walking along the road and there's some guy up ahead, suns blaring beautifully for most but it's too bright for you, and naturally the guy ahead is frowning from the sun, you glance up and bam, doesn't matter what rationality says, anxiety says 'flightt flighttt flightt!'. Lol, when I read that out I can actually laugh at myself, why? because i'm at home in my 'safe zone' and can actually find amusement out of my irrational reaction, and I think that's one way to healing; acceptance of how it is. But of course if i were actually out on the street I can't say I'd be laughing.
Seems relationships have really hurt you, and I'm truly sorry you experienced that. Seen enough of hurtful relationships in my family to feel like I could build up a case against any new friend that comes their way, but of course no one is the same, and I pray for you that some friends will find you that can show you that :)
Wow this is honestly the most thoughtful and well wrote reply I've ever had the way you put it is like I'm writing it myself exactly how I feel inside when I'm out! Thank you for your kind words you probably know as a sufferer of anxiety this means the world to me and I'm truly sorry that you have to go through this aswell but just for this comment I'm so glad that I shared this story thank you so much! :)
I get you :) Not sure whether you believe in God or not, but I find this prayer very good for me, maybe it might be of help to you:
To accept the things I can't change.. courage to do my best to change the things that I can, and to accept what is how it is, not in the way of feeling defeated, but just as is.. Enjoying one moment at a time, living one day at a time, not focused on the future and my insecurities.. that life is hard but hardship develops endurance and resilience for harder challenges down the road.. accepting the world as it is, not in that I like it, but it is how it is and my wishing it weren't won't change it, but we can do things within our abilities to make it a better place..
This prayer helps me to I guess 'center' myself, when my head is buzzing and I can't think or feel straight, it helps me to clear up my focus.
Though, as someone who does believe in God, it 100% helps to know that we're loved, accepted and in Christ Jesus have security, even if we don't feel like it, even if we can't see the path in-front of us, we're made with a purpose and we're never in it alone.
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STOPWelcome to Steemit! This was a great post. Thank you for sharing. I'll be sure to keep an eye out for you future work! I think you might like my work as well so feel free to take a look sometime.
Thanks for reading I'm glad you enjoyed it I will definitely take a look :)
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Yea you can share this post if you like :)
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