You did a good job writing that out :) I hope being able to share it has somewhat helped you. You're not alone.
I've suffered from social anxiety for as long as I can remember, and it's had no particular remembered cause, but I understand what you've written as If I had been the one to write it. The online world has opened up a lot more opportunities I think for people with certain types of anxiety because it's a means of communication without the face to face, which can help in the baby steps it takes to work to overcoming it.
With anxiety, like you would know, comes depression and other issues you face. You may feel trapped and suffocated within yourself and your 'safe zone'; everyones walk in the park feels like a mountain to overcome, and at the same time of not wanting to be around friends or want any, you do actually miss it and feel at loss from it, it's just you need people to accept the way you are, so you can relax because you can trust them, and you can be yourself. But, life is so fast paced, people usually see you in your anxious state and don't have the time to get to know you otherwise. Then, you see a person or group of ppl that the anxiety responds to and it sets of the fight or flight; looking into ppl's eyes feels like they're seeing straight into you and it's not their rejection, it's your rejection of yourself, or for those who have anxiety from trauma, an association from past experience?. Here you are walking along the road and there's some guy up ahead, suns blaring beautifully for most but it's too bright for you, and naturally the guy ahead is frowning from the sun, you glance up and bam, doesn't matter what rationality says, anxiety says 'flightt flighttt flightt!'. Lol, when I read that out I can actually laugh at myself, why? because i'm at home in my 'safe zone' and can actually find amusement out of my irrational reaction, and I think that's one way to healing; acceptance of how it is. But of course if i were actually out on the street I can't say I'd be laughing.
Seems relationships have really hurt you, and I'm truly sorry you experienced that. Seen enough of hurtful relationships in my family to feel like I could build up a case against any new friend that comes their way, but of course no one is the same, and I pray for you that some friends will find you that can show you that :)
Wow this is honestly the most thoughtful and well wrote reply I've ever had the way you put it is like I'm writing it myself exactly how I feel inside when I'm out! Thank you for your kind words you probably know as a sufferer of anxiety this means the world to me and I'm truly sorry that you have to go through this aswell but just for this comment I'm so glad that I shared this story thank you so much! :)
I get you :) Not sure whether you believe in God or not, but I find this prayer very good for me, maybe it might be of help to you:
To accept the things I can't change.. courage to do my best to change the things that I can, and to accept what is how it is, not in the way of feeling defeated, but just as is.. Enjoying one moment at a time, living one day at a time, not focused on the future and my insecurities.. that life is hard but hardship develops endurance and resilience for harder challenges down the road.. accepting the world as it is, not in that I like it, but it is how it is and my wishing it weren't won't change it, but we can do things within our abilities to make it a better place..
This prayer helps me to I guess 'center' myself, when my head is buzzing and I can't think or feel straight, it helps me to clear up my focus.
Though, as someone who does believe in God, it 100% helps to know that we're loved, accepted and in Christ Jesus have security, even if we don't feel like it, even if we can't see the path in-front of us, we're made with a purpose and we're never in it alone.