Why I haven't ended it all? Story of my depression and struggles.
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Why haven't I ended all? Why I'm I still alive? Why don't I get help? All of these questions I have asked myself every day and have heard people tell me. Well, the answer is simply because I can't. I simply don't have the courage to go through with killing myself, nor do I have the courage to ask for help. My whole life I have felt as if I been neglected, ignored and rejected by my peers and family. I have never had luck with women, I struggle with making friends, I have a hard time communicating with people, and I struggle with school and other activities. I have never very been popular nor have I ever felt acknowledged by anyone. .jpg)
My best friend was a dog that ran away and I spend my whole life behind a computer hiding from the world outside. So, after all this way haven't I committed suicide you might ask? Well, an excuse I probably always make and tell myself is because I am afraid of pain, so stabbing, shooting, or choking myself is something that I would never do. But, isn't death instant? It is... so why haven't I done it still? Maybe it's because I want to die at the hands of another person... but I tell myself all the time that I am the person I hate most, so that wouldn't make much sense. Maybe it's because I believe I still have a purpose to live on? I mean even though my whole life I felt as if I haven't done anything meaningful doesn't mean I can't in the future right? .jpg)
Is suicide really the answer to all my agony and suffering? I don't see myself as anything more than a failure or capable of changing, but I am still alive. That has to mean something. You see I used to wake up every morning telling myself that today will be a better day... But not anymore now I just tell myself that this day can't possibly be worst than the last.
The only thing the I seemingly enjoy is being able to express myself by typing it or saying it in person. I even exaggerate it and add humour to myself to make it more enjoyable. 
So, again why haven't I ended it all? Maybe it's because all those years that I have been alive have actually meant something to me more than I know. I mean if you really sit down and think about it all those years you have been alive all those events that you have experienced all gone in just one moment by ending it... is it really worth it? Don't you want to see how far you can go? Or see if a miracle happens? the only way you can tell is if you live for it... So, maybe that's why I am still living. My whole life I have seen myself as nothing more than a burden, stupid, ugly, weak, and worthless, but is 2 decades of life and memories worth losing just because things haven't been going your way? Maybe... just maybe I am still alive because I want to be deep down. Even if someone has a gun pointed at me or has offered to kill me would I still take that chance to end it all? I don't know yet... I don't know anymore... But I don't want to. For, now all I know is that I want to express myself and entertain other people by doing so because that is something I enjoy doing and it's something that makes me happy.
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Thank you for reading and giving me a chance to express myself
I love steemit and I plan on posting more content in the future so stay followed
Love, Lil Willy
You need nobody to be happy, your hapiness is inside you, the rest is a bonus.
Killing youself would be a total waste because even if you feel your life has no sense you can still dedicate your life for great purposes as helping people around you, poor people...
You can turn around your life and act differently.
Wish you the best, it all depend of your philosophy of life, how you think and act.
Share, learn, help :)
Agree. Start by giving the poor man on the street a dollar, but the key is to not say it to anyone. Helping people without telling anyone you did feels amazing. It slowly kills your ego.
Voluntary charity is a beautiful thing. I've struggled with how to figure out who really deserves it though over others. I've been scammed before even by people who I thought were my friends.
We all can only give so much, so how best to decide?
That's one reason I love Steemit.com. It is a way to voluntarily support your friends. It's a type of welfare in a sense, and it is fairly easy on here to tell who really needs it and who does not.
We cannot keep it anonymous though, and I agree that doing it secretly is the best way.
Helping people with telling that is good advice thank you
I will try to see things from your point of view thank you for your advice
Well, you can't be stupid. You just posted something on Steemit! You are also not worthless, for you just added value to my life by me reading your post. Ugliness? Don't get me started. Some of the most attractive people I know have had the blackest hearts.
Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder, and a person's actions or inaction will change the way you look at them. They will actually become ugly as you look at them. Do a beautiful thing or further a good cause though, and you become more attractive to others.
It gets into religious beliefs, please forgive me for a moment, but I do not believe we can die. We are electrical beings, all connected by that energy, and are already immortal. Therefore, ending your physical life, destroying your meat sack as I call our bodies, does not end anything.
You will still exist just not in a physical body. You'll live on. What exactly happens is unknown really, but I'm pretty confident things do not simply end. That would be a huge waste of the memories and connections and all the other wonderful things in life.
Yes, there are bad things and suffering too, but life as we experience it is a gift. It's a gift because of the potential good we can do through it. That's my plan at least. I'll die with a smile on my face as long as I die in defense of individual liberty and with my honor. I will.
The choice is yours though, but just remember you do not choose the connections you've already made. You've just made many connections, and you can't reverse them. They exist now. You are part of my experience, and I am part of yours. You'll live on through that connection.
Thank you for reading my post and commenting I see your points and appreciate them
You're very welcome! Keep on Steemin'! I don't know about you, but writing is therapy for me. haha
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Ending your life or attempting to commit suicide is no good if you do that it means you lose the game. Life may give us a lot of challenges but ending the gift of life won't resolve any issues. If you have a problem don't keep it to yourself be open. :)
Thanks I am trying to be open
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STOPThere was a time for all of us when we used to hide ourself with a smile but all we had in our hearts was only dirt and sickness . Nowdays , the matter has become the number 1 desease in the world . We must fight against and never give in .
Bravo for the decision you made .
Thank you I will try to fight on
(Disclaimer: Only my opinion. I promise this is not malicious.)
I love you, earthling.
I deal with depression and anxiety associated w/ PTSD and mTBI. I have a lot of trauma that I have felt with in my life. I have been sexually assaulted as a child, a wounded combat veteran, and victim of a horrible judicial system that favors certain parties over others in matters of children and rights.
That being said, I am not trying to pity party myself; I am giving you some background on me. You have two options and I read the whole thing out of respect for your time and effort. You said your one biggest problem is that you do not have the courage to change. I will challenge you to do a post about a time you did have courage in the face of a problem.You posting about this takes courage. Keep going! After a while that will be old hat and then, and this is the most important thing I have to say is that if you do not put your ego aside (saying from experience) and take the steps to get help you could lose the battle or you could grow to be a very grumpy old person with no friends. I do not want that for you. Please take the steps to get help. I found that there is so much pride in strength being a person who asked and was able to accept help. (It took me many years) The pride that comes with that step is the top part of the wave that crashes, you know. After that you keep riding the wave and you made it to your destination.
I have been effected by suicide in may ways and in the last two months I have lost two cousins and I honestly believe my uncle is next.
We have to help each other or we will all lose at this game. Please help the world by continuing to make a contribution to it.
You got this!
Earthling, out.
Courage to face a problem... I will be honest as of right now reading this don't recall any moment in my life I have done that I just can't connect courage to me. But, anyways thank you for taking time out of your day to read and comment my post. I will do the same for you as well.
Respect for keeping alive ! Keep up the good fight
I battled through so many hopeless situations in my life
For a 26 year old i had a very hard life
But i choose to live.
strong bro
Yes, of course that's why I am here on steemit in the first place :-)
good post!