[IntroduceYourself] All of This and Nothing

Sometimes I am Kips. In fact, a lot of time, I am Kips, even when the person I am talking to knows my real name. It becomes ingrained to call people by their online persona's name over a period of time.

Sometimes I am a gamer. Ok, truth be told, a lot of times I am a gamer. But I'm not just a gamer..., am I? I am a gamergirl. Yes, we do exist -- we're not just fantasy, I promise. I'll list my favorite games and why in a future post if there's demand.

I used to be a scientist. Well, a student scientist anyway. I even took an REU (Research Experience for Undergraduates) in Astrophysics at the American Museum of Natural History in New York City, NY. (Yes, I met Neill deGrasse Tyson and sat at his feet as we argued about the existence of a god while drining wine and eating cheese.) I completed my Bachelor in Science degrees in both math and physics -- and, at the time, I thought they were the most difficult subjects that I had ever come across. Boy, would my life change later.

Sometimes I am a mom to an 11 year-old child with autism. Thank God for school and the fact that she can go to a good school where I know she'll be taken care of all day. It is rough being a mom of a... but you know what? I can just stop there. It is rough just being a mom. Period. But there are days that this is one of the more challenging hats that I wear. Due to the challenges of being a mom with a daughter who has autism, I learned that being a scientist would have to take a back seat to my daughter. But that's okay. It opened up the world for other activities I had always wanted to do.

Sometmes I am a writer. There's some serious glorious fun in being a writer... well, at least, in planning what to write anyway. Writing can become work and when you're slogging through the middle of your book, you can become frustrated and angry and disillusioned -- sometimes you want to throw the book away or start over -- or, even better, a new shiny idea will fly through the window and into your house, teasing you, telling you that you coulod start working on it, rather than the sludgefest you're currently working on. Yes, yes, it can feel like that sometimes. And then there are the times that it's wonderful and beautiful and everything goes exactly as you planned... and those times last about fifteen minutes. If that, sometimes.

Sometimes I am a published author. As much as this is one of my favorite hats, it's not one that seems to last very long when I wear it. Once the book is out of your hands and on sale, sometimes it seems like your job is done. It's not, though. You have to pick up the slack in promotions. Another author-friend of mine spends his time -- when he's not writing his ass off -- at writing conventions, comic-cons, LGBT Pride parades, being available with his 30 lbs of books to sell.

Sometimes I am an editor and I get to make a mess of other people's manuscripts with either a red ink pen or Microsoft Word's Track Changes... I can be ruthless, changing things to be exactly the way I want them to be... then I remember that it's not my work and I settle back and read, letting the author's voice come through. It's amazing how difficult this frame of mind can be.

Sometimes I am a horseman and an intern at Sisters Quarter Horses, LLC. And, believe it or not, this is the most challenging hat I have. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, I like more than learning about horses. I've been on this track for six years now... sometimes it feels like longer. I've been kicked in the face by a hind hoof -- yep, that left a mark. This was the first time I actually learned that endorphins are a fantastic thing. I've fallen off and broken my right wrist along with most (if not all) of the ribs on my left side, had a partially collapsed lung, and a small amount of worrisome internal bleeding near my aorta and one of my kidneys. That was the time the doctor said that he usually saw patients in my shape come in an ambulance. I still go learn, learning how to work on the ground which I can do... well, essentially. Now I'm learning how to trust and how to show the horse I am worthy of being trusted. Eventually I'll learn to ride.

Sometimes I feel as though I am the perpetual mourner. The lady who I was taking horsemanship lessons for four(?) years, at least, passed away from complications due to chronic Lyme disease this summer. I idolized her in many ways and she helped me develop a philosophy about horses that I may explain later. As many of you may already know, last Monday (2/5/18), we had to put my beloved cat, Jacq, to sleep due to complications of mammary gland cancer that had metatisized to her lungs. I mourn my wasted youth, just as I mourn my mental paralysis sometimes, but I think that's typical as you reach my age.

Sometimes I am a philosopher sitting back in my lawn chair in my crown and kingly robes. I can point out to you the wrongness of your argument whie lashing out at you for the rightness of my own. Especially when I'm wound up and end up taking troll bait.

However I am the eternal student, wantng to understand, wanting to learn more about different cultures and societies. I want to know why people believe what they believe in. I want to hear their reasoning for what they believe -- even... no, especially if it's not what I believe. I want to make decisions of belief for myself -- and, if what I hear makes more logical sense than my reasoning for believing what I believe? Than I change my beliefs. But only I can decide that. And that's pretty good for me.

Always I am the wife to my husband whom I love dearly but who frustrates me more than any one person ever will, but I think that's the sign of a good relationship. He's the one who makes my life -- the fact that I can wear so many hats -- possible. He's supportive... usually... but most of all, he's realistic and helps anchor me to the ground when I need it. All the grandiose ideas in the world... and I have to always remember it takes work to do them. Sometimes I don't want to do the work -- like climbing Mount Everest. I'd love to have climbed Mount Everest, but actually go through everything it would take, getting into that kind of shape and then some kind of corporate sponsorship? Nah, too much work -- I'll pass.

Most of the time, I am anxiety-riddled, depression-wracked, so wrougt with impostor syndrome that it's near paralyzing. It happens to the best of us and I'm dealing with it in several ways. We'll see how much Steemit becomes a part of that way in my life. It has sidetracked me from playing videogames -- not a bad thing -- and given me something else to think about rather than mourning the loss of my friend and the loss of my cat.

Oh! I almost forgot! I am a die-hard Devotee of Depeche Mode. I think David Gahan is my spirit animal. I love Depeche Mode. Occasionally, I may play around with deconstructing their lyrics on here. I crack up when I do, because if you pay attention to them, sometimes they don't say what you think they say.

Anyway, this is who I am.

All of This and Nothing.

P.S. After I get my hair done tomorrow, I'll post a picture with "Steemit" on it!