Today I realized I have social anxiety.

"They hate me". I used those words as an excuse much more often than I'd like to admit. I've drilled these words into my head. These words led to me quitting my sport once I became injured. These words kept me from going out with friends. These words kept me from making friends. These words kept me from letting myself get close to friends.

Today I am recovering from a night out with coworkers. I don't go out much these days, as I have moved to a new state 1000+ miles from my close friends and boyfriend. I think my recent inexperience in going out has led me to "forget" about my long-standing issue with socializing.

Let's just say I've known since I was a child that I was a little different socially. As a child it was all chalked up to shyness, which I believed, even though around family and childhood friends I was very outgoing.

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When it came to speaking up in class- I couldn't do it. It seemed like by the time I came up with something relevant to the conversation, I wasn't able to find the right time to intervene. Most of the time, I couldn't get past this point, and I wouldn't contribute at all. I was in constant fear of interrupting people or contributing poor content, or both. I remember watching my peers all flow in conversation together so easily and wondering what was wrong with me. I would leave class feeling defeated and sad.

I remember in 9th grade English class we had Socratic Seminars to discuss whatever piece of literature we were reading. During these Socratic Seminars, we were graded for participating. My teacher was a very kind guy. After probably 5-10 seminars of me struggling to contribute, he pulled me aside after class one day. He told me that I needed to participate if I wanted credit. I told him I was trying, and I was sorry. I felt like such a socially awkward coward. I don't remember ever really recovering from my struggle that year. If I spoke, I would finish talking and want to face-palm. I felt that my ideas were nonsensical and dumb.

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Throughout high school, this issue reared its head in other forms. I played a co-ed sport. Some of my elementary school friends also played the sport, so I stuck around them. I always wanted to make friends with other people on the team, especially because certain people were always in my classes over the 4 years. I remember passing my team mates in the halls, and just hanging my head and pretending they weren't there. It sounds like a mean thing to do, but I ignored them because I "knew" they didn't want to talk to me. I "knew" they didn't like me. Why would they? I was doing them a favor by keeping quiet.

I remember some people on the team I wanted to be friends with would say "Hi" to me in the halls, and I would just look up, smile, and keep going. I felt as if they were too good to have to listen to me. Similar to my struggles in class, the feeling of inadequacy was prevalent.

Luckily, I have learned how wrong I was since then. Nowadays (6-8 years later) I know better. I know the socially acceptable thing to do is to be friendly. I'll be honest: there are people who have annoyed me. However, them saying hello and asking me how I am is never annoying. It's normal. I wish high school Emily knew this.

That is what I need to drill into my head.

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In college, I made friends easily thanks to being on a sports team and also living in freshman housing that was "themed". I joined a co-ed service fraternity and that seemed to help a lot because it forced me to socialize not only with peers at my school, but also with the community.

However, the social anxiety still persisted in college. Both in college and out, my boyfriend's friends will all get together, and my boyfriend invites me. So many times I have said, "No thanks, I don't think they like me". He responds with a chuckle, asking me "What do you mean?"

I've thought about it. What do I mean?

What I mean is that I'm afraid of doing something wrong and having them hate me. Or what if I've already done something wrong and they hate me? "It's safer for our relationship if I just stay in", I tell myself.

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So, what motivates me to come on here today and write about this? Well, last night I went out drinking at 3 different bars with coworkers. I just started working with them late summer 2017. It was my second time out drinking with them. I had a lot of fun. However, when I woke up this morning, I was so sad, guilty, and embarrassed.

The night wasn't perfect, and I attribute that to my inexperience in drinking/going out. I spilled my coworker's drink on accident. I told a story about when I was 12. I get very chatty when I drink, which can be a lot in comparison to my normal quiet self. My boss bought me many drinks. I hadn't bought any at bar #3 to try and sober up for my car ride home, but she was generous and bought me a couple. My boss also bought food for us all. I reflected on the night as soon as I woke up. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I laid in bed and cried for a bit. Sad. Guilty. Embarrassed. My thoughts were racing.

"They're never going to want to go out with me again"
"I'm such a boring person"
"My boss must have felt like she had to take care of me and get me food"
"My coworker thinks I'm a sloppy mess for spilling his drink"
"They must think I'm so annoying"
"I should've said no and stayed in like I usually do. That way I can't embarrass myself"
"These are the only people I know in my city, and I just messed it up, AND I work with them"
"Do I send an apology text? Did I even do anything wrong???"

I've stewed about this today, and I have realized that it is social anxiety talking. I had heard of social anxiety before, but I never considered myself to have it. I have known for years that I have insecurities and I worry more than most, but I never attributed these feelings to anything but insecurity and life events that have made me more prone to worrying.

I have comforted myself with these thoughts:

1. My coworker was understanding about the spilled drink. He said he has done it many times, which I believe from how much he talks about drinking and going out. I offered to replace it, but my boss had already bought another round so my coworker said not to worry about it. If I keep bringing it up and making it a big deal, he will see it as that, too. So it is probably best for me to leave it be.
2. My boss bought everyone food, not just me. So she didn't do it because of me. It was not "my fault".
3. My boss wouldn't have bought me more drinks if she thought I was sloppy. That is just my own fear creeping in. I'm making excuses to believe my fears to be true.
4. There are people I work with who I have seen sloppy, and I don't see them differently for it. To me, it's a part of life. Life isn't perfect. So why would my coworkers see me differently even if I had been sloppy?
5. I have drunken with close friends before, and I do not worry that I annoy them. I feel very much "on their level", if that makes sense. So I don't annoy everybody in my life. Some people have told me they like drinking with me. I guess if my coworkers were annoyed, I could live with that. Different strokes for different folks, right? I think this became a fear of mine because I don't see myself quite at my coworkers "level", so as usual, feelings of inadequacy stepped in.

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I wrote this out to both get it off my chest and to hopefully reach some of my fellow worriers. If you struggle with social anxiety as well, I wish you the best on your journey. There are people who love you for being you. You're not going to please everyone, and that is OK. Just know you deserve to be social just like everyone else, and most importantly, you can do it.