A piece of free writing when I was in wandering period in 2006

I try so hard.. that I can change..
I know i love you all in my deepest heart.
but I know also that I can't fully express it.
I know that's where my pain starts.

And I know that that's not just my problem, but it's true that it is hard to get over.

I don't like boring situation.
I don't like awkward situation.

I thought that now I could get over all the difficult situations.
But I was wrong. And I feel pain for that.

I can't concentrate on a thing.
I am so mysterious that I can't handle 'it' sometimes.
And I know that is what I am.

I am a coward. but, now I desperately decided that I can be courageous all the time.
I'm getting confused for what I am.

I want to love myself for as what I am.
And I need love, which I don't know yet..
Life is hard, but interesting in a while.

I am hoping to feel better as I write this.
But, my thinking doesn't let me loose or relax.
My deepest heart doesn't want me to screw up, but one side of me is shouting and yelling at me which gives me pain.

I don't know what I am writing.
I just don't know what the fuck I am doing right now, I hope there is someone who can realize that life is that.

LIfe is going so fast, and everything talking about is the same thing.
When we talk, we all know we are basically the same, but still we act like an isolate island.

I try so hard to connect these gaps now, but I am so afraid that I am doing right thing.
And I am also afraid that I should do everything when I become older.

I know it is courage, and we all need it, just don't express it.
Life is just to live on.

I want to tell everything that i feel to you..... but you guys don't.
And I sometimes misunderstand that that's what I am.

I want to be optimistic even though it is not easy, for that is what my deepest heart wants. it is enough that I suffered once.

I still feel pain, that 'an adult' was saying.
I want to destroy them all, but it is not possible, so that I am also feeling pain.

Damn..

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