A chronicle of the struggling ego

in #innerblockslast year (edited)

This post is part of the Inner Blocks / Natural Medicine challenge.

“My teachings are easy to understand and easy to put into practice. Yet your intellect will never grasp them, and if you try to practice them, you'll fail" - Lao Tzu.


Yesterday we headed down to the river with a couple from work I was just getting to know. We had a beer and later they pulled out a blunt. I love smoking cannabis but have a bit of a rough time doing it out of my comfort zone, whether it be new people or challenging situations.

This is mainly because everytime I smoke, this voice who knows much about healing, spirituality, magic and the workings of the Universe gets real loud in my head. It gets so loud it's impossible to ignore and there comes a moment when I have to say “ok man, you win, lets talk”.

Of course this means I disappear from the social scene I was involved in before. I go silent and though I make attempts to engage back in some form of interaction they are all weak, which makes me feel I'm faking it. And the voice in my head says, “See? Is any of that interesting? How bout we talk about the important stuff?”

The voice said: “look at the river, see the endless flow”.

I pay attention to the river, and stop worrying about how strange I must be to my companions. There is a dog with us too. She manages to grab my attention every now and at one point starts licking my face, I feel her love.

The couple start saying she is a traitor and a cheater. I laugh but afterwards I get a bit uncomfortable from the situation and close up. Perhaps they were just joking and having fun, but something else crossed my mind. The guy starts telling the dog to stay near him and shows his authoritarian side. The dog obeys and he looks at me with a smile saying, “See? She knows”.

What crossed my mind was that there was a possessiveness that also applied to them as a couple. After a while I detect more possessivee behaviors. Am I seeing what I want to see or am I feeling what's really going on? The girl is cute, I find her very attractive, but I don't want them to notice. I avoid being too nice to her, I avoid being the river because she would be the sea to where I'd flow.

I feel the guy, with whom I've shared a longer time is picking up on my vibes. He constantly tries to display superiority. But I also wonder if it's me who's building a competition where there's none. I really want to stop competing. I also want him to go away, to leave me with her.

Should I go for what I desire or should I tell my ego to shut up? I realize that guy is my ego. He is the part of me who is all about control and fulfilling your desires. I don't want to be a saint, so why do I fight my ego? Why not just embrace it?

I start letting go of the need to overcome this. But a feeling of weakness and vulnerability invades me. I feel raped and I tense up. “Gay”, says a voice in my head. There it is, that machistic piece of shit that lives inside me too. The one who sees everything as a win or lose situation. The one who demands I be a “real man” and get what I want at all times.

I want to be with the girl but I want her to choose me. I don't want to play the macho game. But if she chooses me, what happens to the other guy? Why do I even care? I know he is me. I want to love myself and I know I can’t do it without loving him. I can love them both, there has to be a way.

This is my sickness. Over-sexualization. Everytime I think of love I get stuck in the question, “But would you touch that person? Would you love them completely? Would you allow your body to merge with theirs”? I say no and that tension comes again. Repulsion. Through this, my love gets limited to those I can intimate with.

Every now and then I manage to listen to what their saying but my mind flies off. At times the dog comes to me and shows some love which thankfully I don't sexualize. I decide to chant and expel these demons. I must already seem weird, what's a little more going to do?

I chant my way into some pleasant vibrations and then hear them laughing. The dog seems to be hypnotized by my chanting, she stares at me with her head tilted sideways. I feel cleaner, more open. I decide to share with the guy a taoist audio I've been listening to lately, words from Lao Tzu.

When I propose the idea he says: “what's that Taoism? Is it a religion? A sect? A cult?”. I say, “no, you could say it's a path”. He looks away uninterested and talks to his girlfriend. I reflect on my unsatisfying answer. I look at a shining star and I feel the Tao. The healer in my head once again speaks, “yes that is the Tao, that star and this river”.

My companions get called to go elsewhere. I decide to stay and enjoy the flow of the river.


You express this all so well in writing. This is a raw honesty that most of us would keep to ourselves.
It's opened up my eyes to a different side to cannabis that I wasn't aware of.

Posted using Partiko Android

I find it attractive to write the things I would usually hide. I learn a lot by reading myself as well! Thanks for coming by :)

Paradoxically we live in a world where many people strictly demarcate between friendship and love relationship. I think, however, that a love relationship in best case is based on an authentic friendship that has developed and crystallised over time, otherwise the relationship will lack stability and true, fearless intimacy. Ultimately, the degree of intimacy depends on our degree of authenticity, hence when there is greatest authenticity from both parts then there can and will be greatest intimacy in no matter what they are doing together, in this way then also paving the way for a much more balanced practising of physical sexuality.

What you say sounds correct. Perhaps in time I will be able to truly grasp it, rather than attempting to do it because it sounds right. It's a long journey my friend, and as someone said "it will just get stranger and stranger each time".

I smoke alone these days as it makes me read people too much and I become too sensitive

Yeah, it's much nicer that way. I must admit I'm a bit of a masochist and allow myself to be vulnerated this way when the opportunity arises. It helps me see what I tend to ignore and shove into the back of my consciousness regarding other people.

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You painted such a real picture. It's nice to read the inner workings of someone's mind, it's the part we all try to hide so we can sort through it without freaking other people out, and it's relieving that you weren't afraid.

Thank you, I'm still learning from this write lol. Getting to know my shadows one post at a table time 😅

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Wow, I can relate so much to what you wrote. Not only when I'm stoned, though, but pretty much all the time. There is a clear difference between what I am, what others perceive in me, and what I think I want others to perceive. But taking the outside viewpoint, it's all really just different sides of the same thing, right?
The same thing goes for the uninterested question about Taoism: why was your answer unsatisfying, because of the answer(er) or because of the question(er)?
Ultimately I'd say it's not the fault of either participant if some people don't connect. In the same it would not be the fault of anyone if say you and the girl connected... or you and the guy for that matter. Clearly, you and the dog connected, and that was also neither because of you, or the dog, the the guy for not controlling her. Things just happen, or don't happen, and we can't make them happen just by wanting / not wanting it. But then again, you seem to be well aware of this. Don't worry if others are not.

It's curious how we think we control interactions, when they are as you say, just happening. Regarding the answer to Taoism, it was unsatisfactory to me because it didn't really say anything meaningful, just a rational approach that assumed he wouldn't understand anything deeper. I don't know, it just felt incomplete, but then again the Tao is never finished...

Ah, and I thought you meant YOUR answer to HIM was not satisfactory (which I guess was not), because of the lack of connection between you. In that case you it wouldn't have mattered if you had gone on for hours, or just said "never mind". It takes two to tango, can be applied to almost everything...

Actually it just has to do with me answering an "appropriate" answer instead of an actually honest one. Like to me the Tao is just everything that's going on and I scrambled in my mind for something that could explain to his supposedly unknowing mind what it was. And then it became obvious to me that he knew, for he himself is the Tao.

Dude, I want to say something uplifting for you, but have no idea. I think I'd be happy just sitting there with a dog with you. Dogs make everything better.

Dogs are awesome, they go way deep into the soul. Someday we will sit with a dog and gaze at the mystery. Maybe not in 3d, but we got 4d and beyond :)

You write so beautifully. I dont feel the need to analyse this or you but just to say I appreciate your musings and grapplings and a momentarily sense of being in flow with you, the stars, the river.

Posted using Partiko Android

Thank you for such kind words, I'm glad this drove you into the flow ~~~~~

From the last time I read your post, I'm still stuck with my job situation. I did read through the article, but I have very little feeling about people intimacy eight now. Work tension is so great I'm trying to find ways to release my stress. I even having trouble to speak freely in front of my family, they don't deserve to know the kind of pressure I'm facing at work now. God I hope I can get myself up to just have sex with myself. Urrgghgh... Nevertheless, upvote and support! Keep it coming buddy!

Posted using Partiko Android

Friend you have to give priority to healing yourself up. Work is important but you are way more valuable. What good will all that work do you if you get sick and can't enjoy life anymore? Find another job, start over and remember this is a journey of the soul.

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You’ve been visited by @trucklife-family on behalf of Natural Medicine.
Thank you for sharing this experience with us, for allowing us to see the different parts of you. Your writing really reflected the raw and inner turmoil you were experiencing. Cannabis really affects us all in very different ways and it is important to be aware of that and respect your needs when you do take some. It is a powerful herb and one that needs to be treated respectfully.

Did you know that Natural Medicine now has it's own token, rewarding natural healing and health wisdoms? You can check out our front end, naturalmedicine.io If you've been involved in our community over the last year, check your wallets for LOTUS and stake them to start earning curation rewards!

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