The Six Things All Men Want in a Woman

Are you interested in snagging the perfect man, but don’t know how to get him? Have you been racking your brain trying to figure out what guys really want in a woman? Face it, ladies – you may think it’s a hard shell to crack, but it just comes down to having some good old-fashioned, non-compromising attributes that every single man on earth wants. Let’s see what they are!

Short Is The New Short

All men prefer a shorter lady – someone they can see over at a concert or someone who can be a needed arm rest while waiting in line at the bank. My friend Bob* would always tell me, “If she’s not short, I abort.” I would usually tell Bob that this was a terrible saying because using the word abort when talking about women can be somewhat taboo. But Bob didn’t really know what taboo meant, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t actually know what abort means either.

You see, Bob didn’t exactly receive the best education and was treated really badly by his father. One day he told me about his dad not loving him and that the lack of love discouraged him to seek knowledge or to better himself in any meaningful way, really. He became depressed and dropped out of junior high, but he eventually turned his life around and starting thinking more positively – after becoming an alcoholic, of course. Long days of drinking and promiscuity followed by longer nights of more drinking and more women (and men) led to an awakening of sorts. One day he just quit all of it.

Bob was really good at quitting. He had held at least six different jobs in the four months that I had known him. I actually met him when he was writing for an unknown website called Humidifyit that paid bloggers to overreact to cat photos and Tasty videos. (I didn’t physically meet him – I just started quietly following him and commenting behind all of his posts and comments, then I sent him an e-mail asking a question about a photo that he was in with someone who appeared to be his mother. We immediately hit it off, needless to say!)

So, if you want a good man, make sure that you’re short. Nothing else needs to be said. Less height is more than alright, gals!

Be Funny, Or...

Who doesn’t like a good laugh? (Hint: Not guys.) If you want to reel in the best catches, you need to be funny – or at least look funny so that your beau will keep you around for entertainment value when he’s with his friends! Just remember this quote from my friend, Jimmy.**

“No laugh, no love.”

Money (or “Generosity”)

This is a no-brainer, ladies! Take it from a guy! We all like women who have money and want to buy us nice things. What kind of shallow man doesn’t brag about all of the expensive gifts that their woman bought them? Seriously – buy your best boy some bling and watch him melt! You really should trust me on that. I’m an authoritative figure in the relationship industry.

Being Unpredictable

That’s right, ladies – if you want to cage your beautiful bird, you need to surprise him! And do you know what’s really surprising? A three week trip to a tropical resort! Kill two birds (make sure one of them is not your man) with one stone and be both generous and unpredictable! Book that first-class airfare, the cabana on the water, a five-star sushi dinner and a bottle of bubbly each night, private entertainment, and yadda, yadda, yadda. Do you know what I am saying?

Another way to be completely unpredictable is to just show up at his buddy’s house on poker night – a house that you’ve never been to before, a buddy that you’ve never met, and a poker night that he never mentioned to you. Or, you can hysterically cry at a dinner show. You can even send him random text messages about love precisely five minutes apart for an entire holiday weekend. Mix it up to truly keep him on his toes!

Don’t Be Too Smart

Men like their women to be less intelligent than they are, unless those men are just complete nerds. And what lady wants a nerd, am I right? Guys who like dumber women are called bimbosexuals - and they are the majority of men! So, be smart – don’t be smart!

Keep It Clean

Did you know that men don’t like offensive smells? Take regular showers, ladies! Men will not compromise on this. Sure, we might enjoy a good bed-wrestling after a morning jog once in a while, but constant body odor and hairy pits and lips is mostly a no-go! My friend Gregory*** always tells me, “David, I love it when a woman has smooth legs and clean hair. It’s very much good!”

See? Proof!

Also – make sure that you’re physically attractive and that you’re not wearing frumpy clothes. Seriously...have some self-respect! That’s how you’ll truly get noticed by the right guy.

I hope this has been helpful. Now you know all of the tools necessary for finding love and happiness! If you try really hard to attain all of these attributes, men will be all over you like white on rice on a paper plate in a blizzard! And you know this is true...because I’m a guy!

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*Not a real person
**Not a real person
***Not a real person

This post was inspired by @msgivings and @bsgivings.

This is humor - or at least an attempt to be humorous.

All images herein originated with me.

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