Hi!

Caution: This is a bit dark theme. I'm a neuro-diversity.

Anne in a prayer garment.

This is my most recent picture of my child, my cute little baby monster, Anne. She's nearly 2 and a half. She's not been well for more than a month now. She's usually sick after dusk till dawn. Quite a supernatural effect but we'll get that on another post.

Today I want to talk about the revelation that I got about my child. This actually happen recently.

Anne has not been well for a while and there is something that has been bothering me since my pregnancy. I thought she was an accident. Like, we didn't plan to have a child but there she is. I've been blaming myself silently as I feel guilty. I feel guilty to my husband, to myself and to Anne. I feel like things might not be as scary as it is if we plan to have her.

Don't get me wrong. I love my child very much. She chased my demon away. I was suicidal before but after I have her, I take care of myself more to take care of her. I feel like I owe those to her and it dreads me if she knew that she was unplanned and asked me about it. She's 2, I know, I'm just overthinking much.

Anyway, last week, I'm not sure how did it start, I wasn't even sure if I was having an argument with my husband. Things are pretty tight because Anne hasn't been well and I make an assumption it was because she was an 'accident'. Like maybe she didn't feel much love from her parents or something stupid like that. I got stressed and my sanity is not cooperating.

My husband said something along the line of, "We didn't wait because you want a child, isn't it?"

Indicating that he knew I might be pregnant and gave his consent. It is his seeds after all. I was blown away. I cried so much after that. In the bathroom, cause I didn't want him to notice.

I was so relieved. My child is not an accident. We planned to have her. It does make sense cause we use protection even till now. I didn't 'cheat' on my husband to 'chain' him to me. I feel like I can love my child freely now. She's also getting better. Oh Lord, I'm so grateful.

My family adores her as she is the first grandchild in our family and still is the only grandchild. She brings joy to everyone with her laughter. The house feels empty without her antics.

Even if she is an accident, we still love her so much. The pain is only inside me. It shackled me. I felt like I cheated on my child, on my husband and on myself. I never talk about it to anyone, not even to my psychiatrist. Now that the chain on me is moved, I feel like I'm free to love my own child and I'll talk about this on my next appointment with my psy.

Coincidentally, after I broke away from my chain, Anne was getting better and better. I wasn't even sure if it was because of my dark energy that feeding on her but I'm really grateful that my child is getting better. I'm glad that God let my husband said that.

Being a mother is hard but I don't want to trade anything to get to my life before I have them. Please Lord, protect my precious. Ameen!

Thanks for stopping by. I'm doing CONTEST: C stands for - 4.32 cause it's fun. 🤩

Come and join me! ❤️❤️