In the interest of full disclosure, I feel I need to share something. Everything I post on this page is crafted. It is honest, always, but also written with intentional artistry. I try to make my words sound beautiful, which affects how my story is communicated. I don't think there's anything wrong with this, but I wanted to share a more vulnerable side. The remainder of this piece will consist of quotes transcribed directly from my journal. They are the raw truth.
I struggle with an eating disorder
(7/23/17) "I would like to feel like my own ally, like someone who is on the same side as their body. It is not me vs. 'the possibility of becoming fat', with my body in cahoots against me. I'm in intuitive with other people and with myself, but I allow the disordered thoughts to change my behavior. I allow the anxiety to make me act in controlling ways and resist my natural hunger, exhaustion, ect. My default state is resistance to and distrust of my body's natural signals. It knows better than I do what it needs. Let go. It will be okay."
I struggle to see myself as loveable to the people around me
(8/3/17) "I need to learn to own my actions. I have done nothing wrong. I'm a good person with good intentions. Also, don't be so god damn neurotic. I have anxiety, yes, but I've allowed it to infiltrate how I think about my relationships... It is narcissistic and unnecessary to make oneself the victim. Acknowledge that my struggles and fears are nothing in the grand scheme of things and that I should be grateful that I have been dealt my particular hand."
I am trying to practice gratitude
(8/3/17) "My survival, shelter, connection, ect needs are all met. That is an amazing thing to acknowledge. The fact that I contend with the top of the hierarchy of needs indicates this. I will spend my life attempting to love myself, but I will also spend it fed, clothed, challenged, inspired, connected, and fulfilled. I love knowing that and taking comfort in it. With it comes a responsibility to love on those around me, and to attempt to contribute to rather than detract from the good of others. I'm in love with the people in my life and the memories I have- I will spend my whole life thanking the universe for that."
I am a recovering addict of external validation
(8/25/17) "Why is it that I feel the constant desire to be told that I am loved and doing okay? Why do I seek that out with the desperation of a black hole? Whatever I'm looking for will not be satisfied by others, I won't feel more okay until my love for myself is unconditional. Let's work on THAT."
I struggle with anxiety
(9/23/17) "I feel so judged, evaluated, ect. by most of the people in my life- even those I am "close" to. I am sure a lot of it is self- created and born of anxiety, but it feels so real. It makes me evaluate and overanalyze my choices, keeping me from being present. Which inhibits connection. Which perpetuates the cycle. It doesn't usually feel like explaining the anxiety results in understanding, connection, or closeness but rather a distancing. I feel pity and a lack of understanding from friends, and also it feels like an excuse/crutch."
These are unedited thoughts, straight from brain to pen. I hope that they will serve as a metaphor for all the messiness in our lives. Because THAT is the damn truth. Not some eloquent recreation of it.