How Do You Handle Grief? Please Leave Your Answer In The Comments
It has been one year since my family made the decision not to return to our "normal" life overseas. Many people talk about how we sacrificed so much to leave the United States. Others would say, "I could never do what you did."
As funny as it sounds, returning back to the United States was as big of a sacrifice as leaving was in 2005.
We have been grieving for the last 12 months the distance that separates us from our friends, the new norms we began to embrace, a slower pace of life, the beach, the mountains, and a job that filled our hearts.
It has been a tough year, but we continue to pursue healing.
You may be grieving too.
- death of a friend or family member
- someone moving away
- you moving away
- being laid off or fired
- retiring
- children moving out of the house
- a crushed dream
- a broken relationship
Grief is a normal part of life. How we deal with grief is an important part of a healthy life.
How do you deal with grief?
I want to hear from you. Tell us how you deal with loss in the comments section.
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How? Simply said: I just do. There's no pre-planned safe framework I can filter the experience through so that it passes in some particularly favorable way. And that's the thing; I don't think it ever truly goes. Not away as though it never happened. It passes in time on to become a thing of the past. But it doesn't go in the way of a thing that truly dies. We like to say that it does. We like to tell each other, and ourselves, that. But once something that life-changing happens to you, there's no going back from it. Thereafter your reality is forever different and filtered through whatever color that experience chose to paint over your reality with. You'll forever be looking through that haze. And that's not meant as a negative or even a defeated sort of sentiment. I believe it's simply the truth.
Now, I do believe there are phases of grief. Stages of grief. And I have experienced those. But even after completing that series of events, it still resides within you as a hurt place, a wound. I think what you have a choice in is how you choose to sooth it, doctor it, or act in a way that has the opposite effect. But it will always be there. And I think over time, over a lifetime, those wounds can tear back open and we'll have to face them again. And maybe even cyclically, on the anniversary of an event, in a particular season that brings back painful memories, or simply over and over again in a uniquely triggered way each time. It may always come back around for another round - to remind you.
It can be any trigger that causes it. Whatever uniquely personal thing there might exist that can pull you right back to the time and place it happened. I know this - because I've experienced this. And it's not due to some moral or spiritual weakness. I believe it's just a human reality largely to do with the fact that we can't forget.
And we don't want to forget. When people do start to forget we call that sickness. We call that Alzheimer's disease; and that's one of the most horrible realities someone can go through in their own mind, and one of the worst realities to experience as an equally helpless observer as well. (The movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind plays with this idea of memory alteration a bit. And if you've seen the movie, then you know that didn't work out to be a very wise decision.) So we have to take the good with the bad. In all of life - we have to take the good with the bad. There is no magic potion to wave away the bad and cherish the good. We're blessed with both. And I do genuinely mean blessed - with both.
So maybe that's ultimately how I deal with grief. I find a way to learn from it. I find something of value that I can take from the experience. And there are a lot of means by which to do that. You have to learn to view it from different angles. You have to practice and even play with learning to view it from different angles. You accept it for what it is - pain - and then you channel it into something useful. Could be art, could be music, could be writing, could dance, could be a passion for anything. Could be making new connections with people, could be deciding to travel, making a point of volunteering, dedicating yourself in some way to some form of self-care. Creating an entire self-care routine for the purpose of overshadowing/amending that hurt. It's so personal. It's entirely personal. I couldn't tell you a way that I do something that would in any guaranteed way work for you, but I can give suggestions based on what's worked for me.
I believe, all in all, you have to realize that it's a natural part of life. It's an unavoidable part of life. And maybe what could help heal the most is knowing that very truly you are not alone in your experience of pain. Everyone, without exception goes through it at some point in some way. Some definitely do have a harder lot than others, but it's still a universal experience. And maybe we could stand to try to intentionally connect on these points. These points where we're hurt and damaged. We seem to value most connecting on our most bright and beautiful and strongest points, but I think there could be just as much power in doing the opposite with our points of pain. Maybe because, in truth, they're equally beautiful, and even points of strength, if only viewed from the right perspective.
So, I guess, ultimately, my answer to this question is: that I play with perspective. I play with how I view things. It's a skill. It takes practice. And I'll forever be honing it through every new hurt that comes my way.
Pain makes you stronger. Pain knocks you down enough to keep you grounded/humble. And pain makes you human. Pain is not inherently bad. Pain just is. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
It very much hurts. And whatever way you find to cope is your own to choose. If you're wise, you'll choose a constructive means. That's all I ever try to do. It's all I feel like I can do - with the things in life that I otherwise have no power whatsoever to change.
@intspekt, thanks for your thoughtful response. You have added so much to our conversation.
Some of the things that stood out to me were:
Thank you for stopping by!
You're welcome. I'm glad you found it helpful. I think it's good that we discuss things like this. I appreciate the generous upvote. :)
It's not easy to handle grief. We must first accept what causes our grief and depending on it's cause we can find out why it caused us sorrow. However, painful it is there will always be a reason, a better reason why it happened. We should pray and asked guidance on how we can overcome our grief. We can turn our @teardrops to become our strength.
@leahlei, it does help to deal with grief when we understand the source of our grief. Great point!
I have learned a lot during my times of pain and sorrow. Looking back I would not change those times, but in the moment they are very difficult.
This is a weird question for me.
As known not everyone has every emotion and grief, as well as melancholy, is an emotion I don't know. When I say I don't know, I truly mean that. Loss leaves me totally cold, also to loss of close ones.
When, I usually spend some hours (mentally) isolated and come clear with the fact that "is no more" and then I'm ready for the next thing.
While this may sound awesome to those who grief, trust me when I say it isn't. Or at least not really.
On a personal level it may seem awesome, but it can be absolutely awkward, and worse even, when say your partner grieves and because of your own inability to do so you don't understand their struggle nor can be therefor them.
Thank you for your honesty. For me, all emotions are a gift. They help me experience life in a wide range of ways.
My thoughts are with you as you struggling through this. My hope is that you find ways to connect with others even when you don't feel in the same ways as they do.
I deal with it in the simplest way possible; I cry my soul out :D Tears are emotions being melted away...
Cry, scream, hit your pillow, just don't keep it inside.
I agree that we need to let things out. Holding emotions in can be difficult and damaging.
Thanks for adding to the conversation.
The way i did was to convince myself that everything happens for reasons, beyond even our understanding. Leaving it to the power of the God, and pray that every loss is a lesson and a gain, rather than shutting ourself off. Thanks for the meaningful articles.
@kymio, thanks for stopping by. It is my pleasure to write this article.
I also believe that there are lessons to be learned in all things and that God is in control (even though I do not understand all the time). I agree that shutting off is not a good place to be.
Thanks for adding to the conversation.
I just try to push things out of my mind until the hurt has healed enough that I can think about it rationally and logically, rather than dwell on it while it hurts and try to deal with it through the haze of emotion.
@powellx5, this is an interesting point. I believe that part of healing is addressing both the raw emotions and then the logical understanding of a trauma event.
We all deal with this process different. Thanks for letting us know how you deal with things. I appreciate your honesty.
Simply because your family is growing in Indonesia it does not accept the return to the countries of origin so easily. In this case he makes people rub shoulders with others and broaden his friendship circle in the USA. Make a program and diversify activities to forget the grief
Hey @mimbel, I don't want to forget the grief. For me, feeling sad shows me how important something was after it is gone.
I do agree that I need to make new memories and find new friends. These new things do not replace the old. They just add to my overall life experience.
Thanks for the comment and adding to the conversation.
I pray between me and God. And also pray in a group setting.
@joechiappetta, me too. Prayer is an important part of how I live my life.
I always try to handle with patience but sometimes I fell anger and fight with my friends....
It is good that you try to handle difficult situations with patience. But we all mess up. When we do mess up we need to try to fix our relationships with other people.
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