My Grief Process and Tips for You
Last week when I joined Steemit I wrote about the grief associated with my fathers death and other family members' deaths. Not to totally reiterate or mope about it....but the original post is below if you'd like to have the full context of what I'm about to write on. https://steemit.com/grief/@josephmcconnell/anyone-grieving-and-realize-all-the-advice-is-shit
I'd mentioned that 3 people close to me have died, that is true. Those were family members that I was very close with. In total, I have lost 8 family members. It might not seem like a lot because some people have huge families but....my family is pretty small. I didn't include the others into my previous post because I was either too young to understand, was not as close with them or they'd passed from alzheimer's (which is a horrible disease but kind of a blessing in a way. They can't remember you. You can't recognize them. So when they pass....it's easier to let go in a way, especially if the disease lingers for years). Any who....whether you're very close to someone at the end or are close but had lost touch for whatever reason....it's not easy to deal with.
People don't always know how to deal with death in the USA. We're not taught about it in our schools and in our religions, all we learn as little kids is that they go off to a 'better place' whether it be heaven or nirvana or whatever you call it. When someone dies there's the support, people offer to take you out for coffee, flowers and dishes of food are sent over...and then that fades away. If you're not up on your feet again in 6 months, people start to think there's something wrong. Or that God forbid....you're depressed! I've expressed my disdain for the typical 5 step grief program or various other step by step programs to get over a loved ones death. I think it's all bullshit so...I'm just going to list a few things that actually helped me and still help me to this day. I hope that these tips can assist you in your time of need.
Accept it. It sucks. They're dead and are never coming back. There's no need to analyze it or go into reasons of why it happened. If analysis helps you as you meditate, that's fine. But the simple truth is...is that they're gone and you've gotta find a way to cope.
Honor yourself. There's no 'healthy' way to cope. Maybe one night you need to get drunk. Maybe one day you need to call out of work and stay home watching movies. Maybe one day you need to just stay home and look out the window watching cars pass by. That's fine. You've got to honor yourself and take it slow. You don't want to go overboard with out of control behavior because that will make things worse and you'll spiral further. But....also don't try to be perfect. Just exist. Try to get to work on time. Try to enjoy activities you once enjoyed....and take it one day at a time.
Read all the books and listen to all the friends, relatives, therapists, religious leaders & talk show hosts but.....you are a unique individual and your grieving process will be unique to YOU and YOU alone. There's no cookie cutter solution to this sort of thing. Take the advice but go your own way. Use what works to make you happier and/or nostalgic for the deceased person in a positive way. Discard what doesn't work.
Treat yourself sometimes. This goes along with honor yourself. But....treat yourself. You feel crappy....go out and have some comfort food. Or get a fancy dinner. Or buy a nice new shirt. Again, don't waste all of your money. But it's not a bad thing to indulge in a little false materialism or happiness via comfort once and a while. It's a quick fix and it can give you a good confidence boost and some temporary joy. Just don't make it a regular thing because then it's not treating yourself....it's deluding yourself.
Your life is a little worse off. Don't buy the new age crap that the death is a blessing in disguise. No. Most of the time you would've been perfectly happy going through your life with the formerly alive person. You didn't want this to happen. Sure, you might make new friends. You're bound to have different experiences because your life is different now, so changes bring about other changes. That's inevitable. But you don't have to find meaning in it or call it a 'blessing in disguise'. That's ok. It's ok to be cynical about that. You don't have to be happy about everything. Ever see those old weathered men and women? Well, life is rough. You can't be cheery all the time and that's OK.
You have to move forward even though you might not want to. So, do so in a way that can honor the deceased person because that keeps them alive in your heart and mind (and metaphysically, perhaps it keeps them alive in spirit). Got a great picture of them? Put it up in your room & don't listen to anyone who says that, 'looking at that will bring you down'. Did they like popcorn and you didn't? Heck, go out and get some popcorn sometime in their honor. Maybe you'll even like it. Did they always take a shower at 8pm on Thursday nights? Go ahead. Take a shower at 8pm on a Thursday night. It might give you a laugh. It might make you feel a little sad...or a little happy. Why not? Keep them close. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Honoring them is honoring you. They were a big part of your life. No need to cut them off just because they aren't physically present anymore.
It's OK to dream or daydream about them. It's OK to imagine what could have been. It's OK to believe that you speak to them in your dreams. Or when you talk out loud at home they can hear you. What's the harm in that? Maybe they can hear you....maybe not. Who knows? No one can really put their finger on what happens after death or before birth. So give it a shot. It might just bring you some comfort.
Cry. It's ok to cry sometimes. Even if they've been gone for years. Don't hide it. Don't try to avoid it. It'll pass quicker if you just go with it. The waves in the ocean keep coming in, so it's best not to avoid your emotions when they hit you. It just might make you feel better.
Laugh. Remember the good times with them and laugh. If you want to write down old memories so you don't forget them...go for it. Why not? They're dead now. You can make fun of them and laugh if you want to. The Irish do it at their funerals. At worst, you'll get to the other side when you die and they'll be waiting for you saying, 'So you waited until I died to make fun of me huh?'. If you've got pictures of them of funny memories, keep them close. They'll boost your emotions.
Ten....I don't have a ten. I just put it here because people like top ten lists.
These are some things that have helped me and currently still help me with grieving. Losing someone isn't an easy thing whether it be from old age, a drawn out illness or a freak accident. I hope you can relate in some way and I'd open to hearing your thoughts on the methods of grieving that I use and/or if you practice these things too.
Follow. Upvote. Resteem. All that good stuff. Thank you.
-Joe
A good post. Death can't be avoided, and when it happens, all we have are our memories - and sometimes a lot of regret. When there is regret, the grieving process is double: once for the person's death, and once for not fixing things before they died. Thanks. I will have to read your other post, too. Had a lot of deaths, and most of them under regrettable circumstances. I think it will do me good to hear someone else's story for a change, instead of moping about my own.
I used to shun support groups but it sure can help and I deal with a lot of regret from time to time. It sucks. Thanks for reading, resteeming and giving your thoughts. Sorry to hear that you've had a lot of death like me.