ANOTHER MOTHER'S DAY IS SOON TO COME AND GO.....
THIS PICTURE WAS FROM THE LAST YEAR I SPENT WITH MY MOTHER
HERE COMES AND GOES THE 5TH ONE NEXT MONTH
It comes as a surprise that I even still feel this emptiness inside with my mother, Cynthia, being gone now for nearly 6 years. Sounds pretty fucked up right? Well, you'll understand later as you read more into this article. Years came, and years went, and it never got any easier to push through how I felt inside about her passing in 2012. This is the 5th Mother's Day that is soon to come and go with her not being here with us. There's so much still bottled up inside, it's insane to say the least. Unless you have lost a parent, I honestly do not know if you will understand how it feels, but in it's own special way, loss is still loss. It's not easy to say the least, and despite the fact she traumatized me for most of my life, I still loved her unconditionally. Despite the fact she carved me into a career criminal, gang member and drug distributor for most of my natural life, I still feel empty without her in my life. It still makes me feel crazy to some extent to be honest.
My mother contributed to everything wrong in my life and I never really understood what would push her to do so. Love? The desire to see your child succeed no matter what it is? I have no idea to be honest and it has been a topic of discussion between me and loved ones since her passing. It was one of the major things I never had any closure with before she passed away unexpectedly in November of 2012, a week after the Drug Task force raided my home and put me in jail for drug distribution and firearms charges. I'll touch base on all of that, don't worry, but for now we are on to different things. The way my mother left my life was almost as if it was planned by someone greater and of a higher power, it was almost comparative to something out of a movie. Here I am on the phone calling my sister from county jail where I was being held, to get her to come bond me out, and she answers crying the phone. To me, it was to be expected, she just saw her baby brother taken from his home by over eighteen police officers and thrown into the back of a cruiser. I said, "Tara, it's OK, fuck what happened just get me out of here so I can get an attorney and beat this shit". What she said to me next knotted my stomach and completely changed the situation as well as gave me a sleepless night on a cold concrete floor in the jail holding cell. She replied to me "Dev, it's Mom, she's been rushed to the hospital. She's in a coma". What went through my mind? Take a guess. Fucking great, here I am in jail, thinking I'm not getting out before trial and my mother is now in the hospital. To boot, from the sounds of it, she is going to be long gone before I get out. What a feeling, let me tell you that much.
The next day came and the little three and a half foot tall "butch" female Guatemalan C.O. came and yelled "Get up, you're out of here". I thought "What just happened?". To Hell with it though, I'm not arguing it and it's time to start getting on the move. So I packed with a quickness and got on the move just like I planned. Come to find out, I had finally posted bail and was able to walk out of that place and get a breath of fresh air, as well as a cigarette. Why was my bail posted? See, I had this brilliant thing I agreed to years prior called Power Of Attorney with my mother, which I signed for her Living Will. So as you see I was needed for what was to come, unfortunately. So I left the jail, hopped in my sister's Jeep and she says firmly "You have twenty minutes to pack all the shit you need to go deal with mom". Damn I thought, this isn't good. It was just unsettling and depressing to be honest. I arrived home, went to go in and pack and ask my girlfriend (now wife) if she would come. No doubt, she refused of course, saying she was flying to MA or some shit with her family. So I shrugged it off and kept it moving, grabbed a bottle of Kraken and got on down the road. To this day, her not being by my side through what was to come, still bothers me to some extent. At any rate, I packed everything I thought I could possibly need and hauled ass after drowning into that bottle a little bit.
When I arrived to Ruby Memorial Hospital the following morning, my mother was nearly lifeless in appearance and indeed was in a coma. It had been two days at this point and truthfully it was one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever seen in my life. She used to be so full of life, have such spark and attitude. Now here she is, just laying still, living by the grace of modern technology. So I did what any son would do, I stayed with my mother day in and day out until the Doctor came for me on the 7th day to pull me outside privately. It had come time to do what I had to do and I knew inside it was time. I was advised that major strokes likely destroyed my mother's brain and cognitive functions and even if she woke up, she would be a vegetable for the rest of her life. That is no way to live and she made sure I signed off that I would not let her live in such a manner. I was told they had copies of my mother's living will and I was indeed in charge now, that I had to be the judge, jury and executioner. My choice was to pay for every single day that machines kept her alive, or take her off of life support and let nature do it's thing. Fuck man...........really???
Where do you go in a situation like this? You know what is right, you know what is humane, but that bond. How do you turn your back on that? How do you condemn your own mother to death? Especially when she gave you life? It was a terrible position to be in but nobody else in the family could do it, nor were they mentally, emotionally or legally able. So I myself took my mother from life support and essentially put her to death. I stayed by her side day in and day out for seven full days until the very end when she passed away a few days later. I remember talking to her every day, crying when nobody else was around, begging her to wake up, asking her to respond to me, asking her why she did what she did, apologizing for things I had done, cursing her for all she did to me. The emotional roller coaster was something to behold for sure and I do not wish it on anyone, even my most bitter of enemies. On November 9th 2012, a little past early afternoon time, I stepped out to smoke a cigarette and call another family member for some emotional support. Admittedly, I was cracking from the inside and it was showing. On the way in afterwards as I came from the elevator, I heard my sister crying hysterically, along with other members of my family. Great, you have to be kidding me right? Of all the shit this woman did to me growing up, she had the audacity to let go of life the moment I decide to step out of the hospital, for ten minutes at that. I caught the very end of it, the final part of her leaving us behind, and I was able to embrace her hand for one last time as she let out her final breath. It was a traumatic experience for sure and took me many years of heavy drinking and heavy drug use to get over. Not in a sense of from my ways of handling it, but by coming to accept it and moving on in life. Even to today it still has a special place in my head where it haunts me and I relive it at times, especially in my sleep. Along with other PTSD symptoms I suffer from, this one added itself to the pile.
Not many people know much about my upbringing to be very honest. Not many people know the things that she did to me to make me what I was most of my life. I have told maybe a handful of people, because they were people I truly wanted to understand me. I remember being abandoned by her at a young age, left for my sister to care for me, who at that time was a heroin addict and dating a ranking member of the Pagans MC. My earliest childhood memory is my sister and her friend nodded out with syringes hanging from their arms, sadly enough. I remember the countless affairs my mother had on my father, using me as an excuse, or bait, to move on and do as she pleased with no consequence. I remember my father being destroyed by her and seeing him shatter like poorly made glass. I have to this day seen my father cry twice in all of my years, once when my mother left him and me to run off with another man, and the second when I told him in 2013 that I had skin Melanoma and was very sick. That stuck with me, a war veteran, tough guy who shows little emotion unless it's anger, crumble because of a woman he married. Damn, I even remember having to resign from playing baseball for my school because my mother had an affair with my baseball coach. Imagine that, your mother doing that to you, taking your progress as a child for selfish gain. That shit got me ridiculed in school and seriously led up to some terrible behavioral issues on my end, because at that point, all innocence was gone and I started acting out in anger. Fights became a daily thing, and so my journey into the lifestyle I had adopted for decades finally began. Thanks Mom.
One thing about Mom is that she would always came home, I will say that. She was just to wild to be tamed, and God bless my father for loving her and caring for her until the very last day she was on this Earth. He still has yet to even look at another woman, even though he deserves to be treated well and be happy for once. It's not my place to say it though or even stir up those old emotions with him. My mother was a very intelligent woman, let me say that. I owe my education to her, as she was a professor at an Ivy League school in MD by the name of Washington College, for some time. She eventually pursued humanitarian routes and became an educator for the prison system as well as Social Services. By that time I was already heavily into using drugs and drinking as it was my way to escape my fucked up childhood and bond with others I saw value in. What she did from there on out was use contacts of her's to coach me and bring me into the drug business, molding me into a criminal. For years I smuggled, trafficked, sold copious amounts of cocaine and other drugs, became a gun runner and even dealt with gangs and organized crime groups. Damn let me tell you, the list goes on. By the age of 16 I was a kingpin in Eastern Maryland, PG County MD and DC. Not a point of pride, but the ride was fun, and sometimes I do reminisce on the good times. With those good times though, came twice their weight in irreversible trauma. From being a gang member to being a menace to society, my mother was there right behind me, to push me forward and coach me the entire time. The fact that she aided me in this and glorified it really messed with my head and still does to some extent today. It's a very fucked up situation for anyone to imagine, especially if you are a parent yourself, but it was my life and what I was dealt in life's grand card game. I guess what I'm trying to say is that she made me something that was considered a detriment to society and a menace to the community at large (as the newspapers put it). She created "The Godfather of Caroline County" as they labelled me in arrest documentation and court proceedings. She helped create this monster in me that other's couldn't understand. Another day int he future I will muster up the courage to really dive into everything she did to me growing up, but for now, just know that a large part of me hated and resented her for not giving me the means to be successful in the right way. I always had this element of resentment for her, always, especially after she passed. The things that I had to see, feel and do growing up, they were just wrong and should have never been a factor in my life.
I held onto these feelings for years, especially this total unwavering hate that I had for the fact she let me ruin my life and even contributed to it. I always thought, what kind of mother would raise their child to be like this and help them do it? I always asked, why did she never try to send me to college or help me succeed in business? The list went on and on. It wasn't until I had to be there for her death and plan her funeral services, that it really hit me hard and buckled me mentally. I never had a chance to get closure from her and never will, she left me here to figure this shit out on my own. That is what drove me insane in my own ways to be honest. But, such is life, right? So here I am, sitting here on the back door of Mother's Day which is coming next month, writing this, out of the blue for what reason I honestly do not know except to get it off of my chest. Even though she did so much negative to me, I still love her unconditionally and I miss her terribly. I wish she was able to be here, and I really wish I had a chance to talk to her so I could make amends and get some answers. For years I would even call her phone just to hear her voice on her voicemail, sad as that sounds. Ahhh, the things we do as human beings to cope with loss. I will dive deeper into my life at another point but for now that's all you get folks. I think I just needed to write this for myself, to be completely honest. It's part of my healing and growing process from what I gather from it. Thanks for reading and gaining some insight into who I am and why. Until next time my friends!
HAPPY EARLY MOTHER'S DAY MOM, I STILL LOVE YOU AND ALWAYS WILL
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Hello @TERMINALLYILL, i really don't know you and i have never gone through such pains as you did. But after going through your content, it really got me in tears, i felt your pains sincerely and seriously i admire your strength and courage for having gone through those pains and still being able to communicate to the world. One thing i saw in you today is a HERO.
Last week i celebrated my mum and i did wrote her a poem, you can check me out to go through the poem. Anyway your choice of word i must say are awesome. Am going to resteem this post now and also follow you, i hope you will do the same for me......
Than you so much for your kind words and support @stephceecee12! It is because of support like this that I am able to tell my story and not keep it bottled up. I am also honored to have you call me a hero, it really warms my heart, thank you!
Count on seeing me on your posts!
Aww thanks to you too @TERMINALLYILL, you actually dropped by, am so glad you appreciated my support. I wasn't mistaken when i called you a hero sir, you ve got such a good heart. Keep up with the good work am always ready to support🤗
My pleasure @stephceecee12, I am always glad to be of support and be here!
Im sorry to hear that man i lost my dad a year ago too it was tough for me too pretty harsh few days. I know it mustve been tough for you to go through
I appreciate it @polarbeats, it means alot to be honest. It surely was not easy, but life goes on. By the way, where can I hear your beats? I am a musician.
Check out my posts on steemit i got my website too polarbeats.com
Whew! That was too much to take in in one post @terminallyill. I too has lost a parent (my father) and our relationship when he was alive was never a good one. There were so much hate I felt for him at the time while he was alive that when he died from a sickness complication more than 8 years ago, I wished I could have bring back time. I still wish for it now, having no closure with my father and realizing his worth too late. But what happened has hapened right? Your mother's passing during that few minutes it took for a cigarette break when all those days you were by her side. It was a bit cruel. I felt the same way with my father for not having the chance to do things right. I know it was not easy. It never is.
Yes, it certainly is a great deal to absorb @filnette, but it is part of my life story, even though just a small portion of it. You honestly are yet to have really read anything until you see some of the other material I have to muster the strength to put out on the platform. I honestly appreciate you taking the time to read it.
I am sorry to hear about your father and the lack of closure you also had with his passing. It was very difficult for me, and even to today, still has been at times. The way everything played out is what really drove me off the deep end per se, but it is what it is. I'm happy someone else here knows the feelings I have had to deal with inside of myself for so long, it is kind of refreshing to say the least, so thank you for sharing this with me. It helps me in it's own way!
I felt like I just needed to say something because from what I read, I realized that we are both alike in terms on what happened to us with our parent; just to a different degree. It's never easy for me after all those years because the pain and the regret still lingers. I still wake up crying every once in a while after seeing my father in my dreams. So I want to thank you as well for being strong and sharing your story. As you said, 'it helps in it's own way'. Maybe someday, we'll be able to look back and no longer (hopefully) feel the pain.
Being able to have someone that can relate to my emotional experience is something I consider a true blessing, so thank you! @filnette, you are an amazing person for coming to me and telling me these things, it has helped me! I know the feeling about seeing them in our dreams....after my mother passed I had a recurring dream of my mother holding me as a grown man like i was a child and talking to me. I thought it was odd and it blew my mind, until I told my sister and she burst into tears, telling me those were things mom would say to me when I was a baby. It was a sureal experience to say the least. Time will heal though, we will eventually come to terms with everything. When just seems to be the question.
Now I might just start crying in here. I can really relate to those moments. Every time I tell my mother and my auntie (my father's sister) about dreaming of my father, they always tell me that it's because even after death, my father is still looking after me. I think that is also the same with your mother. She may be gone but her love for you and your sister will remain forever, the our love to them will also do. Yes. Time will heal. You take care! I will see you around. Again, thank you!
<3
2 months ago I wrote a post about your mom and also about me not being there. Here it is -When She Took Her Last Breath. You are just a little early on Mothers day, but as we feel the pain from a loss, we tend to let that overcome us first before anything. I am honored to have been able to meet your mom, even though it was during her last days when she was very sick. She always made me smile when she said that she liked me better than the Clydesdale.
Thank you for sharing that link with me, it honestly touched me in ways I cannot explain. Though I am early, I still felt the need to write this and push forward, for myself because as you know, it gets hard for me at times. My mother loved you, that is a fact and you know she did. I just wish you both had more time to know each other. Your post, it made me relive seeing that woman at the hospital and honestly brought me to tears. Jesus man. Thank you for letting me know that you wrote that, it helps a great deal!
The fifth paragraph had my eyes watering bro. There's just no words I could say that could express what should be expressed to you.
I see something beautiful inside you man, not many people could go through what you did and still come out empathetic and compassionate, thinking of making a better world for everyone and not just yourself, you are an inspiration.
Seriously, schools should pay you to deliver that story to their students, so kids who are growing up in similar situations see you and know you are a role model, living proof they can make it through their suffering and pain.
Now your @breakthecycle project makes all the more sense. In fact, maybe this article should be your introduction to it. People will want to get behind the project when they see you are the living role model for overcoming trauma.
I have to suggest something because it is a powerful force I have witnessed change many lives. I know you must have already developed some seriously powerful coping mechanisms to have made it through all that, but I have seen the scientific research on this, and it not only has helped war veterans overcome crippling ptsd but is scientifically proven to increase IQ, decrease risk for cardiovascular failure, and much much more. I know you're busy but I truly think you, someone who is the founder of such an important movement @breakthecycle, will truly appreciate and benefit from this knowledge and perhaps want to implement it in your life, or help others implement it in theirs:
(It is quite long so I set this video to start at the part where the war veteran speaks about how it changed his life, but feel free to watch the beginning as well)
Anyway, I have a new and deep respect for you brother. You are a badass person and a true inspiration. You are a benefit to this planet, my friend, and I love you for it!
@anotherhero, words cannot express what your comment means to me brother, I mean that. My history, it has a great deal of things to it that you are yet to know and when you do, will open up your mind to who I am and why. This article was difficult for me to write, so thank you for your love and support with it!
I honestly hope that my initiative @breakthecycle is able to blow up the way I dream it to. Just having the ability to help other's on their journey and to be able to mentor youth, is something that gives me great joy in my life. I feel it is my obligation to make this world a better place in any way possible, as a man, as a human being and as a father. I'm hopeful my life experience and leadership ability can lead me down a path I should be in, which at the end of the day, is something that will help this world.
I do appreciate you sharing that with me as well. I plan on watching it here shortly. Anything that I can come across to help me better myself and learn to curb some of the problems I have, is more than welcomed in my life. Sharing that with me speaks volumes for your character and compassion as well, I am honored and blessed to have met you and to have the ability to work with you in any way possible. You are a true friend and Godsend!
Thank you again my brother, your comment was beyond inspiring and uplifting. You truly are an amazing human being and the world should recognize that! I have a tremendous amount of love and respect for you as well as the common goals we share. The sky is the limit. WE are here to shape the future!
So sorry to hear about your loss and those troubles you have had to face. This is a very touching story.
Congratulations you have been upvoted and resteemed as part of #newbieresteemday's top 10 posts for the day! We invite you to use our tag to connect with more of our members. To learn more: Come Join Us!!! (Newbie Resteem Initiative)
As always, thank you for swinging by and showing some love my friends :) @newbieresteemday, you guys rock!
Thanks for sharing such a personal story. I can only imagine the internal conflict that could be created by such a situation. Best wishes.
@veckinon thank you for taking the time to read my article and for your comment! Much love!
Well Devon, I saw your post late last night, but saved my response till today so I could write with some clarity. Regardless of your past, I hope you are proud of who you have become today, despite your mother's help for the contrary. One of the things I have learned in life is to fully accept the things I cannot control and also cannot understand. It's a near impossible task sometimes, but it is one that has given me solace when I truly do. I wish that for you my friend!
I know this post is really not about your wife either, but the fact that she didn't join you in that 'journey' speaks volumes to her character. Brian years ago broke his neck playing hockey and was in a rehab center for 6 months. His ex-wife came to visit him once. Talk about "speaking volumes"!
Thank you for trusting us with your intimate story. <3
@lynncoyle1, thank you for reading this first off, it was something rather difficult for me to write and publicize on here none the less. I am a very avid user of the Serenity Prayer, which that excerpt comes from in a way. It has helped, but there is only so much a series of words can do for healing the soul. I am proud of where I am today. Looking back just 4 years ago, I didn't expect to be alive today, let alone on here sharing my stories with people who embrace them with open arms. I honestly thank you for this!
Truth is, I had some animosity built up over the years over her failure to be there. Come to find out, she has grown as a person herself and has expressed remorse for it that I was completely unaware of. So it certainly helps to know that she at least has seen the error in it and has built from it, which regardless of our situation or anything, I have to give her respect for that. At the time however, it crumbed me. That's insane that Brian's ex came to see him once, like that is just wrong, regardless of how bitter you may be with someone, we are all still human beings. At some point there must have been love there, so I cannot see the reasoning behind any of it. All in all, it's water under the bridge though ;)
Thank you for accepting me for who I am and not passing judgement, which was my biggest fear with coming out about some of the things I have written about. Because of the loyal support I have from beautiful and amazing people like you, I am able to not only share my life with everyone, but grow personally in way you guys may or may not understand. I very thankful to have you here observing my journey and helping me with it!!!
Let me just say that Brian and his wife were still married at the time :) I'm glad your wife felt remorse for her actions...it's something at least.
And I've been around the block plenty and am far from owning a squeaky clean past, so the last thing I would ever even consider, is judgement! You're right re: the serenity prayer; things look bang on written down on paper, but translating those words into actions in life, is a whole other story!
We seem to always carry so much personal shame for shit in our past, and then when we speak them out loud, like you did here, we're surprised that no one sees it that way. I guess in the end, we are always our own worst critics. Just know I'll always have your back buddy; my gut tells me you're a good guy and my gut is rarely wrong :)
Your post was so raw, so truthful, and so powerful. I actually got a bit tearful reading it. Thank you so much for sharing something so personal. I get it though, about writing it for yourself, helping you to heal and feeling cathartic. I wish my vote had more power to give you man, but I voted anyway, and look forward to reading more of your stuff. All the best, @dramamama
Thank you @dramamama for your support with this piece I did. I had to get it out there, to further my healing and growing process. Because of the support I receive from people, I am able to do these things. So let me thank you for indulging in my material and for supporting me with my journey!
Mother is a most precious, thanks to the prayer of a mother you succeed, do not ever disappoint it, a post that is quite bermanfaan, be a counsel for friends who read, continue to work friends, give your help for me and friends who just joined at SGG
@azyref, you can count on me to be there for you and each person at SGG :) It's what I do. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and comment. I'm looking forward to seeing more of your work!
thank you for your attention and support .... I will try my best to be better .... and also can help my friends in the community in the village I live .... I am happy to be a member in the SGG group .... there are lots of great people like you ... and always easy to help us beginners.
You do not need to thank me my friend, I am proud to have you here and help you on your journey!