I am still unsure of the direction of this blog. What I do know is that I'll be posting on a variety of subjects which interest me because that's just the point of it all. My goal is to keep up with this, why?, just because I can.

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I'm not about to get into my entire gaming history, but it will probably be a great topic for another time. I will, however, say with certain emphasis that I have spent a considerable amount of time playing games over the years. One could probably say that I easily identify with the term "gamer" although I do find the tribalism of labels to be distasteful most of the time.

I've invested thousands of dollars, tens of thousands of hours, and incalculable amounts of energy into this hobby over a span of over almost 3 decades. The point being that playing games is my most preferred pastime by far. I like other things but nothing brought me the joy and enjoyment than just about any engrossing game could. I still maintained healthy relationships, other hobbies, went outside, etc... but for years you would not catch me binge-watching streams or watching any sort of television or movies. I thought that sort of free time was best for gaming.

That was a different time. The person writing this now still loves games but, like a child staring through a toy store window they, are just out of reach. The first nail in this coffin was marriage and don't get me wrong it wasn't THAT bad but I suddenly had to prioritize some things. It started with picking up extra shifts at work to beef up my savings, then we bought a house which required a time sink to prepare, and then that was all followed by my first child.

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My son's arrival into the household is really where this blog ought to begin, but I thought you needed a little build up. I'm going to be frank with you on all blogs concerning parenting and in particular my experience... Fatherhood is fucking difficult. I plan to tell you about all of this stuff in other blogs, but this is fatherhood as a gamer.

It was very cute at first. You have this tiny creature which is new and feeble and you are running a cycle of high energy emotions and exhaustion. You don't even think about gaming, too busy, too tired. Friends are knocking on your door and you're getting gift bags full of Zelda, Mario, and other Gaming/Nerd baby clothes. When you finally have a chance to think about gaming again you're like "I hope he likes multiplayer!". You're inexperienced, nervous, and trying to be optimistic.

The day arrives when you finally get a chance to play a game again. The wife and baby are gone, you're home alone, and you pour yourself a bourbon and jump on teamspeak. You are first flooded with a bunch of gamer buddies congratulating you, and answering the normal questions about the baby. Finally! You jump on and play some great multiplayer with old friends and have remembered why you love this hobby so much. This night of gaming is guaranteed to be amazing, relaxing, and restore your love for gaming. However, when the fun ends and you're back to being a dad instead of your gamer tag it is a very sobering reality. You've gained this perfect creature but you've lost a lot of autonomy.

So lesson one was learning that getting time to go game with the clan, guild, crew, etc... is a rare opportunity. It's a treat. You can try to schedule some sessions but don't count on them working out or get your hopes up. There will be baby meltdowns, teething, fevers, puking, attention seeking, and numerous other things which could pop up and completely stall or ruin these plans.

Lesson two is similar. Multiplayer is also a rare gift. Reserve anything that's online to when you're alone because in those first months it doesn't matter that you're in the final circle of Fortnite BR and there are only 3 people left. I was really stupid at this in the beginning and every time the baby was asleep I lunged to play a game of Fortnite, Overwatch, PUBG, etc.. only to have to leave my character standing unguarded in a field or bail on a match because the nap was disturbed and I had a raving banshee breaking my eardrums.

Don't fret. There is a solution which doesn't involve leaving the baby at the fire station. The magical button known as pause.

Highly underrated and something I've ignored for the last few years due to mostly playing games that using it was impossible or it didn't do anything. Having a child gave me one big gaming gift that I had ignored for adrenaline-fueled competitive multiplayer... and that was a rediscovering of my roots. Single player RPGs. If you truly want to be able to feel like you can have some sort of enjoyment out of playing a game I would suggest getting acquainted with deep story driven singleplayer games. They can be saved and put away and picked back up. They really are the solution to chaotic nature of an infant.

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I probably sound like a horrible father or some gaming addict. I'd like to assure you that I'm not. Although fatherhood hasn't been super easy for me I've done everything I can to be as present and involved as possible. I'm actually the primary caregiver because my wife has a very good career and although I was doing alright it made more sense for me to work only part time for now. I was once someone who valued alone time a great deal and this new life has drastically changed the amount of alone time I get now. Believe it or not, I do enjoy being a father, and being present of all the little changes and learning leaps he is doing is extremely satisfying. I take pride in being there for all the firsts, making memories, and being so bonded. I miss my games, but I do know eventually I'll get a chance to play... I just loathe being forced into other forms of entertainment while being a caregiver, but I understand how much attention is needed.

I've been trying to write this piece for a while now and its been kicking around in my head. I just really haven't been able to touch a keyboard until now due to my priorities and I'm writing this at 1 am. There is a catharsis in getting these thoughts out which is worth the hit to my sleep. I could have gone on, edited, revised, and otherwise changed this piece to make it better but a bit of sloppiness adds to the charm I think. Besides who has the time? I still have laundry to do.