_{@NoNamesLeftToUse The Writer/Artist Himself will never be the same again.}

The brain might not recover from this one.

Today

^{My life changed...}

Good afternoon, morning, evening, day and/or night to you Sir, Ma'am, It, These, Those and Them Over There.

I regret to inform you today that I, @NoNamesLeftToUse The Writer/Artist Himself, am in possession of a shattered soul. There is no coming back from the devastation I bore witness to earlier this morning as I awoke from my slumbers.

I will never be the same man again, and I think that comes with a ten year warranty.

---

I Could Hear It

^{...all the way from the furthest room. It's too early for this.}

---

I'm currently staying in a shared space.

I make my own mess, I clean my own mess, eventually.

If someone feels like being a disgruntled menace; the headphones go on because I have work to do, or I go outside, away from the crazy monkey monsters who have nothing better to do but yell and scream at each other about spilled milk and broken bananas. In other words; if I hear commotion, I avoid it like the plague because I don't like the sound of my voice when I attempt to tell people to shut the fuck up, I'm trying to sleep.

Easy there, tiger.

^{"Calm down." I suppose, you're right.}

That's what happens though, when I wake up to the screams of three blood-curdly nightmares all at the same time and shortly after the sun comes up.

I could hear the sounds.

I could not recognize the voices.

I wanted a coffee.

Did they invite more screaming monkeys over to throw shit at the walls for breakfast, I wondered.

I wondered more, and gave it time to think.
Nobody enters the lion's den to grab a coffee without first checking for lions, I concluded.

What sounded like an argument about cleaning began to morph into some sort of Mr. Clean Goes Mental spin off from the main show with the bald handyman and the happy woman.

Ten, I really want my coffee now minutes later, I started to notice a pattern.

Screams. Screams combined with the word, "harder!"

^{I've heard this one before...}

At first, I refused to step into the lion's den to grab a coffee while the lions might be watching porn. I mean, I'm not a wildlife expert or something fancier than that like Head Wildlife Expert, but when there are signs laying around everywhere saying don't approach the animals, it's probably a good time to start reading them, if you know what I mean.

This shouldn't take long,
^{or so I thought...}

It went on for another fifteen minutes before I decided to stop pretending like I didn't know what was going on, man up, and go for the coffee.

In wildlife expert training class, they said if you're in bear country, it's best to make a lot of noise while you walk so you don't end up startling the bear; for the startled bear will attack.

They didn't say anything about lions though, so I walked slowly and quietly like a ninja even the other ninjas can't see.

"Harder! Hurry! Harder! Yes! Yes! Stop!"

^{The ladies sounded like demanding demon monkeys from hell.}

I was still half asleep. Maybe even three quarters and a nickel asleep.

The closer I got, the more I thought I was about to see some of the most messed up and screwed porn ever invented. Never in my life have I heard a woman want something so badly, and I've heard women before.

Then she yells, "Stop!" Then it's quiet... ?

Then it started up again!
"Hurry! Hurry!"

Like we're running a fuck baton race and we want to win!

I'm still confused about Mr. Clean's role in all of this though. I thought I heard the song.

Was there something about his broom that made the ladies wild, I pondered, as I entered the den with my head down, too afraid to look.

Curiosity Killed the Cat

^{I looked up for half of a second.}

Well. Maybe it was an entire second. I wasn't keeping track but I knew spending any more time than that could potentially cause a permanent burn-in. Unfortunately, I still remember what I saw.

I haven't been able to make much sense of it. It's been a few hours since it all started. I can still hear the screams. That is a long movie.

I'm worried about these people.

I'm too afraid to get a second cup of coffee.

I'd really like to know if maybe the police should be called, or if there's a better way to handle this situation.

"Oh, hello. I have some sort of screaming demon porn here, it's been going on for hours, Mr. Clean might be hurting them," I rehearsed, because I thought about calling emergency services.

I'm afraid if I Google the solution, I'll be added to another one of those watch lists we all hear about in the news on Youtube.

What kind of maniac would search: hurry hard demon porn

I want to know, but I don't want to know.

^{These are trying times.}

After much internalized conflict about how much that cup of coffee really means to me; I decided to take the plunge.

I ditched the last two words. I'm afraid of demons anyway and there's no way I'm willing to sacrifice my Ten Year - No Porn Challenge status as reigning and defending champion over a simple cup of coffee. Those bastards come to your house whenever they feel like it and make you piss in a cup while another nice lady analyzes your internet habits on all devices.

Searching only the words hurry and hard within Youtube's handy little search bar gave me plenty of options to choose from.

I started to click on random videos and much to my surprise, I was instantly placed back into that moment of wondering what this all means.

Something feels off. These must be the cleaned up Youtube versions. It all seemed to be more intense when it was locked within my mind as a thought I knew nothing about.

This was the best information I could find while doing my research for this story.

Here are a few short, safe clips.

Have a look.

^{If you dare.}

The first example I found is here, but that video didn't like being embedded inside of this editor. There's some hardcore stuff behind that link anyway. It might be too much for some people.

^{Some hardcore stuff there too.}

_{Some sort of public service announcement? Has it already gotten out of hand?}

_{Maybe he knows the answer.}

Still just as confused as you are.

^{Still far more questions than answers.}

Still on my first cup of coffee...

Credits:_{Youtube videos linked to source. All art and images seen here were produced digitally, by me. "Loosely based on a true story." [email protected]}

^{© 2018 Two Insanity Productions.}Follow @NoNamesLeftToUse^{(Click the link for previous posts!)}