The Americans Are Coming! The Americans Are Coming!
Where Are They?
Hello from Canada.
Many moons ago, your American media pushed plenty of long, boring days worth of political propaganda my way. If I signed in to social media, there it was. If I turned on the television, it was there.
Children even dressed up as Donald Trump last year for Halloween. The brainwash, was in full swing.
I'd Like a Refund
I didn't ask for this garbage. Near the end of the turmoil, but before the riots, many people took to social media to tell everyone they were moving out of the USA and into Canada. Like they can just do whatever the hell they want. I had a feeling it was an empty threat, but I prepared anyway.
I've seen the other propaganda about immigrants. Many months of conditioning made me paranoid. I did not want to be surrounded by "illegals" who can't even "speak the language."
Yee-haw git er dun, y'all!
I didn't care about how so many of these people saying they were "hitchin" the next ride to Canada were celebrities and dressed nice. I wasn't falling for it.
As a matter of fact, I had jobs lined up for the lot of them. I thought damn, they can work for me on the cheap and then sing and dance in the evenings. Employees that pay me benefits? Sign me up!
I thought about selling tickets for these events and did some promoting. Now I look like an idiot.
I heard a few who look like they can work hard were coming to Canada as well. Big guys, who like to play with balls. I thought I'd give them jobs working in the field, since they were accustomed to playing on one. I thought that was the least I could do. Not one of them showed up for their first day of work. Damn immigrants...
If I Build It, They Won't Come
I spent nearly seven thousand dollars on used materials for the wall I built around my property. I'd like the money back and I think Trump should pay for it.
I also think it would only be fair if American refugees did the work, for free. They will need the work experience anyway if they think they can compete with quality Canadian citizens for jobs.
I seriously thought I'd be fending off wave after wave of American zombies. I knew they'd be quite harmless, since we wouldn't let them bring their guns along unless they somehow managed to fit one up their rectum before crossing the border. It's also hard to answer questions like, "Are you bringing any weapons or ammunition along for the trip," with a mouth full of bullets.
The zombies didn't show up so I'd like to be reimbursed for the shovel I purchased. I used it first to dig a well since I had a hunch the immigrants would hoard all of the conveniently bottled water. I then planned on using it to whack them over the head if they tried to climb my barricade.
That Was a Poem
There are a few other things that now need your urgent attention, USA.
The neighbors claim my recent behavior and construction projects have brought the property value down. At first I thought I'd get the last laugh. It turns out, nobody is laughing.
In case I get sued, be prepared to pay lawyer fees and jail bail in case I decide to take matters into my own hands.
A few other things worth mentioning:
- Fourteen pallets of gourmet dog kibble to feed the employees.
- Forklift rental. (has not been returned yet)
- $647.45 worth of canned peaches. They were on sale.
- Four Bic lighters.
- Spaghetti. Lots of spaghetti.
- 700 lubricated condoms. (to store well water)
- A Barbie convertible.
- Bingo dabbers.
- Season Two of the Walking Dead. (research purposes)
- Four thousand sheets of paper, pens, envelopes and stamps. (so I could still blog in the event of a power outage)
- A short bus.
- A bucket.
- A mop.
- An illustrated book about birds.
- Turkey baster.
- Hair removal gel.
- Blank VHS tapes.
- A tarp.
- Handcuffs.
- Propane tank.
- 1978 Husqvarna 250
- Nail clippers.
- Nail polish.
- Nails.
- Dried apricots.
- Soy sauce.
- Pancake mix.
- Two dozen eggs that have yet to hatch.
- A side mirror for a 1986 Buick Regal
- Seat covers.
- Three cases of ketchup packets.
- OEM copy of Windows XP
- A 4-pack of triple 'A' batteries.
- Canola oil.
- Fortune cookies.
- Popsicle sticks.
- White glue.
- Glitter.
- A yo-yo.
- Oregano.
- Coffee filters.
- One small spatula.
- An 8-ball (1 gram shy, not sure what happened there)
I require a full refund for everything listed there plus a few hundred dollars for processing.
To Conclude
I will never listen to these maniacs again and I am very upset. This is one Canadian who has stopped excessively saying, "Sorry."
It's now your turn to apologize, but honestly, as the famous song once said:
"It's too late ta pologize... it's too late."
Hey! I have almost the exact same list of prepper supplies as you. That proves it: Great Minds really do think alike!
I don't know how one expects to survive the apocalypse without a Barbie convertible and soy sauce! These people and their tv shows need to get their acts together!
Best to give up tv all together. Just stick to the reading magazines near the check out counters of the supermarkets and drug stores for penetrating looks at the news.
Now that you mention it... I heard Elvis is still alive and brought Micheal Jackson with him this time. There were photos of them hanging out by a pool. Prince Harry was feeding them grapes.
Not true. That was someone wearing a really good Prince Harry face mask. It even fooled Elvis and Michael.
This was HILARIOUS! It is now in competition with your top ten lists and dream weaver as my favorite post.
A bucket and a mop and an illustrated book about birds...damn that's going to be in my head ALL night, might have to drop by dreamweaver and make an exchange LOL
I'm glad you enjoyed it. ...and you know what? That song has been stuck in my head for a week!
Actually I like that song, in fact it's one of probably four of Nirvana's that I would put on my mp3 player. I was (and still am) a Pearl Jam fan at the time, and Kurt was great but he was no Eddie ;)
I re-read this post, the walking dead season 2 for research, God so funny. The wall is obvious funny, but all of the little things you throw in there are what makes your humor brilliant.
But if you thought it was bad being an outsider looking in, try being amidst that circus, haha! I spent the whole week after elections playing peacemaker between friends and family on facebook, it was insane! I did manage to calm people down, but it was work, which is nuts! All over two assholes that we had no say in in the first place, I felt like people were devolving intellectually right in front of me. And the colleges hosting hot chocolate and coloring parties to help students deal??? I still can't get over that. Country of babies, it's embarrassing!
My music tastes are quite broad. I don't have specific bands I enjoy or a certain genre I stick to. As long as it sounds good, to me, I'll like it.
Reading between the lines. Those who skim miss a lot when I write something like this. There's a lot on the surface to take away. Like a good movie though, watch it the second time and notice something new.
As for the politics, I couldn't really care any less than I do. I know a show when I see one. That's all these things are to me. Society will always form opinions and alliances. Facebook gives them an audience and hands them a microphone. During elections the microphone turns into a megaphone. Everyone was basically living triggered for weeks on end. I just sat back and watched the Infinite Monkey Show.
Oh, and I resteemed it :) Because it deserves to be seen, but also partly so I could get to it with convenience ;) I show yours and Paul's stuff to friends (non-steemians)
Thanks for that. I believe this one got resteemed a few times and for that I'm grateful. This article really took off at the start. I thought I'd be seeing a nice payday again. It lost momentum rather quickly. There seems to be a wall I can't yet smash through. I'll get there eventually. I've been getting a lot of views lately, so that part I'm quite happy about.
Nice read!
Thank you!
Great, but, never store water in lubricated condoms (makes it taste terrible) It's like having oral sex with a woman using contraceptive gel...ugh! (Don't ask me how I know) Looks like we're stuck with the loonies! Upvoted and resteemed!
Oh... is that what that taste was? I thought it was plain Kool-aid. The girl at the pharmacy gave me the breakdown and told me her favorite flavours. I must have grabbed the wrong ones.
At last...somebody with a sense of humor like mine!!!
It's a habit. Good or bad, depends on who you ask. I've been noticing more and more folks with a sense of haha crawling out of the wood works lately. Things are looking up!
I know! I've always looked at myself as kind of an Italian Will Rogers, with a little Lenny Bruce mixed in for good measure!
I'm a skinny John Candy and a fat Mr. Bean.
Well now I'm going to have to check out your page, because this blog cracked me up! A lot of his posts do :)
Thanks, I love his sense of humor! You might want to start with my story, The Kid That Became A Guy