It's Done: Hit #11

in funny •  4 months ago

You know that thing you asked me to take care of?
Unfortunately, there were a few problems.
We need to talk.

NoNamesLeftToUse - It's Done - Hit Eleven.jpeg

No

That is not a picture of your dead husband.

Don't worry about him, he didn't get away, that's done, it's over, you're a rich lady now, whatever, enjoy your freedom.

That is a picture of my leg.

I said, "No dogs!"

You agreed to the terms of service.

How was I supposed to know a little chihuahua wearing a sombrero and some cute little cowboy boots was going to jump out of the closet and start gnawing on my leg!

The little shit wouldn't let go!  I pulled and pulled and finally managed to get him off of me but he took a huge chunk of my leg with him, ran away, and proceeded to eat it!  I wanted my flesh back but every time I got close he'd just growl and give me that look, then he'd do the head shake thing like he was trying to finish it off!

I missed my daughter's tap dance performance because the clicking sound gave me PTSD flashbacks of that damn dog and his little boots clacking around on the floor shortly before he lunged at me!  I ran out of the gymnasium screaming before I got to see the grand finale and made a big scene because of that damn dog!

I'm keeping the damage deposit and I better see the rest of the payment hit my bitcoin wallet within four days or there will be hell to pay!  You hear me!

That's all!  Have a nice day.

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Warning: If you are not the intended recipient of this package, you are in grave danger.  Next time, don't be so damn nosy and mind your own business.  I'm watching you.  To save your life, follow these simple instructions:

First, open the included chocolate pudding cup.  Dip the included carrot into the chocolate pudding, then rub the pudding all over the carrot but be sure some orange is still showing.  Next, shove the carrot up your ass.  Make sure nobody is watching.  Once you've completed those steps, put on the included denim short shorts and tank top that says "Too sexy for this shirt."  Mess up your hair and apply the included red lipstick but be sure to miss your lips.  Rub it all over your face, it doesn't matter where it goes, just put it on.  Now you're ready.  Run out onto the street and pretend you're on fire until a crowd gathers.  Once they all pull out their phones and start recording this mess; stop, drop, and roll.  Then stand up, brush yourself off, pull the carrot out of your ass and offer everyone a taste of your 'roasted vegetable'.  No funny business.  You're being recorded for my Dtube channel and we only have one shot at this.  Do not screw it up!

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Credits:
All art and images seen here were produced digitally, by me.
"Just a normal day in the life of a hitman."

© 2018 @NoNamesLeftToUse.  All rights reserved.

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You snekked right up on me and caught me off guard. I thought I bombed pretty damn hard after noticing not even 1% of my following enjoyed this enough to want to vote for it, but this little message helped bring up my spirits. Thank you!

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Don't despair.

I'm not sure why I said that. Should you not like it, then go ahead, despair.

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I had some of these best artist ever! comments roll in at first as well so that helped make me feel low, but whatever. I don't really care. There's no despair, I was just looking for some nervous laughter I think.

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I had some of these best artist ever! comments

You have just have given me an idea for a whole new service on Steemit. I have created an account called suckpuppet for this; here is its first comment.

It will probably be its last comment as well, but the idea still stands. Thank you so much.

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I'd like to buy a vowel.

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A or E?

Have @tts bot ever came to read your posts? I think these would work great to listen to as a podcast audio show haha.

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Yeah it's been around a few times.

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Now we just need more voices

Honestly, I’m not sure what that is. If I squinted hard and filled in the missing details, I’d say it’s your head detached, and you were kneeing yourself in the head with a bloody knee....Just a small wound from a cute little pup, nothing to worry about. Pay no mind to the whole thigh painted with blood.

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It's just a missing chunk of meat. It's hard to paint something that isn't there. Have you ever noticed that?

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No, not really. It’s spatial organisation? The highly adept skill of creating a space (aka a gap) such that the eye can think, something is missing. Like a chunk of meat? As is it, I’m not sure what size or where this missing chunk is located... :P

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Oh i ain't missin,
Just been sitting here quiet,
Watching you.
You can paint me scary clown.
Draw me like one of your French fries.

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Why thank you.
I practice using a calculator every day.

The carrot was missing from my package, what should I do?

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Look for people with green leafy tails.

I know someone who's house has a couple of those little things. One barks and lunges, the other one, without thinking, bites in between barks. Uncool.

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Do they dress them up in strange super hero and super villain costumes? It felt like being attacked by the guy who did comic relief scenes during an episode of Zorro. Yes, I'm just making that up.

The dog sounds possessed. And a warning disclaimer to boot.

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Maybe he was just hungry. I dunno...

Did the dog make that three-layered face? That's a very arty thing to do, for a dog. You should hire it and relax more.

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I'd hire it but one cannot even get close enough to conduct a proper job interview.

I'm so sorry, if there's chocolate pudding, I'm eating it.

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There's probably some left over, don't worry. It doesn't take much to grease a carrot.

It looks like you painted a picture of the unintended recipient with the smeared lipstick in the corner, next to your wound. That's pretty nasty putting somebody's face by that thing. But maybe not as nasty as the chocolate carrot.

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There's a hidden eye and partial face in the deep red portion as well.

You know, if I try hard enough, I could probably come up with something nastier than the chocolate carrot. I don't think Steemit is ready though. The chocolate carrot flesh wound hitman combo doesn't seem to be hitting the trending page. Back to the drawing board I guess...

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Ah, yes, I'm seeing a ghostly profile face in there. I don't think my imagination is working very well today.

I actually don't find the chocolate carrot that disgusting. I don't know why. You are training me well. I think I'm ready for your worst.

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Wait! What have I done?!

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Fear not, the monster has already been created, alive and well. I think I'll save it though and wait until there's maybe a community for this type of material. Throwing it out into the mix seems to be confusing some of the wonderful information best artist ever! crowd and that just leads to disappointment on my end.

Hmm, a bit more surreal than the previous one. I like it.

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The previous It's Done? It's been awhile since I did that. I'm glad you like it, but I'm getting some strange nonsensical comments here today.

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No, your previous post, you know, with sing-song, and a big ass-pear in comments...

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LOL! Oh, that. Yeah, I'm just trying to get laughs and be as messed up as possible so things tend to change day to day. Just having fun.

I is so sorry about you getting dog bit.
Every dog I meet has no respect for boundaries.


However, I do like your carrot and pudding exercise routine and has been doing it every day.

I been saving my used carrots and will mail them back to you for your salad as requested.
Love, Meatwad

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I look forward to seeing my carrots again. Thank you, strange meat thing.

Those little chihuahuas look like velociraptors sometimes! you put those on jurassic park and i can bet with you in a couple of days you will see one killing a T-Rex!
I don't have carrots at home... i have cucumbers and watermelons, you can choose one!

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Try the watermelon. You'll need more than chocolate pudding though so maybe get a cannon.

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you'll need more than chocolate pudding though

Is that a challenge?! Oh dear sir! Game on! I'll see you in a few, i might get 911 on the line just in case though...

LOL Now I know I'm warped, oh wait, I already knew that.

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Being warped is quite liberating.

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Chicken and egg thing, maybe.

All of a sudden, I fancy a slice of bacon.

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It's hard not to think about breakfast at a time like this.

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Currently starving myself until midday - the smell next door is more of smoke than bacon and so i think i can stretch another 30 minutes. As long as I don't scroll up.

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I've been thinking. Maybe I should change formats and rather than saying these are flesh wounds, I could say it's food, and become a digital foodie artist. Then I continued to think and realized that's a terrible idea.

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I think you'd put the foodies to shame with this work.

Although, it would mean you get to boost your grub into trending, so everyone can spit in it and tell you it's realllllly yummy.

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"That pot of boiling water you used to splash on the annoying neighbor is the best I've ever seen! How did you make that?!?!"

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Sounds like black magic to me, I'm not convinced it's water at all.

The little shit wouldn't let go! I pulled and pulled and finally managed to get him off of me but he took a huge chunk of my leg...

That exactly happened to me few years ago. He took piece of my leg as well. Since than I stopped pulling my leg when I got bitten by these small monsters, instead I kick their asses. But of course, it has to attack first. I noticed, if you chase them, they run away. But if you turn your back to them, they eat you alive.
I have all ingredients for this project, I have vanilla pudding instead. I think I can pull it off. I think Times Square will be the perfect place.

Does anyone think I’m not serious?

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Yeah I suppose one should apply fish hook removal logic when it comes to dealing with little rabid psychopaths.

Times Square would be an ideal location. Try to get that half naked guitar playing cowboy in the background.

"I missed my daughter's tap dance performance because the clicking sound gave me PTSD " See, wasn't all bad then. Damn kids with their talents and skills.

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Yeah, I hate those damn clicky shoes....

Chocolate pudding as lube.............now that's a new one. Wonder if the husband felt the same after his wife screwed him over.

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Yeah I ran out of normal lube again, I mean, uh, I didn't have any.

hi @nonameslefttouse That's good! Excellent! Wonderful! You are very good That's a real work of art. Good work!

Wooww congratulations friend, I love your art and your way of writing. Greetings.

Wow so nice art 🎨 photo.. I always follow you.please support me

Your daughter must have felt sad that you left before seeing her performance!
Btw Dogs Haunt me too! Especially when they are Barking at night! :(
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Wow! Cool! But, I have not understood the meaning well. :)

But, I can feel that you are very upset and angry.

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Upset and angry? Maybe if more comments like this roll in, sure, I can see that happening. LOL!

is it's a leg??
but your art is awesome

LOL, you're nuts, just in case no one has told you that before. Kind of like Forest Gump's box of chocolate's, you never know what you're going to get.

I agree with @ocrdu... Don't despair!!

I save a few peoples stuff for reading at night so sometimes my voting is late :0D

At first I thought it was a clito. Maybe because I am a pervert.
Come on, dogs are cute and never bites. You must have done something to him/her.