A Plea Against Dick Jokes (SFW) - Comedy Open Mic Round 2

_{With a hat dick to @diebitch for encouragement.
I go with her through dick and thin.
(We are dick as thieves at this point.)}

I really try to laugh about what at least half the population considers to be extremely funny: dicks.

But I just don’t get dicks. Perhaps I need to examine this. It. Them.

So far I’ve noticed people only joke about them when they also have one. And they think women will simply laugh. But I never understood how a dick-joke could make me interested. As if they think they are a real dick-up artist. The only thing they're actually looking for is that cooing kind of laugh, which you won't get when you go dick-or-treating. (And I choose the treat.)

I have thought about dicks. I even have a lot of opinions about them: Pathetic, silly, sad, weak, disgusting, smelly, annoying, tiny, ridiculous...

But I have never thought of dicks as funny. Laughable, yes. But that is not the same as funny, right? Perhaps I should look this up in a dicktionary.

Maybe there are different types of humor. And who am I to dicktate what is funny?

Sometimes I decide to play along. I force my mouth to perform… to make the sounds… to open up… Basically I try to laugh. But it’s mechanical and although the receiver really seems to enjoy it, I have already forgotten why I’m even trying. So I give up… I am no longer laughing about dick-jokes.

I do still laugh about dicks.

(Which sometimes leads to awkward situations. Sorry about that, AnonymousGuy4722, but your picture of your itsy bitsy teenie weenie just made me laugh. Maybe next time put it in a yellow polka dot bikini.)

Size

And then there are those dickheads that keep talking about size, as if they’re comparing upvotes.

As if they don’t know what phallacious logic is. Even though a dick is not pointless, that doesn’t mean it’s making a point.

Personally I prefer something that goes a bit deeper.

Attention

Talking about dicks as if they’re funny--it’s just attention grabbing. Freud would have something to say about it. As if nobody ever thinks about anything but dicks? This would explain some things...

[Insert dick joke.]

<truth>Self-upvoting bots are nothing but invited stalkers, drooling over unrequited love, making you feel wanted. It's just another way of pretending they have the largest. A way to tell yourself you are loved (even though you are not).</truth>

I do often wonder whether people have carrot or dick motivation. (And what happens with your life if the dick IS the carrot?)

To be honest, I love talking about one particular dick: an American science-fiction writer who was called Philip K. Dick. But that’s not funny either.

I could go on, but I’ll keep some dicks for the next time.

Because honestly, I’m dick of it all.

All images by @nobyeni. Despite appearances, the game 'Joking Hazard' has only a few dick-related jokes. Mostly it is really funny. Therefore I can definitely recommend this offensive card game by Cyanide & Happiness to those who get it. Just get it!