You idiots had a contest to decipher what I was doing in these images? You could have just asked... losers!

in funny •  11 months ago

Greetings loyal followers.



My executive assistant Vera, who is a true winner in every sense of the word, has informed me that your planet's inhabitants have created a contest in order to decipher what was transpiring in a series of images involving me. Here is the contest of which I speak.

Hey morons, if you wanted to know what was happening in these images, all you had to do was ask. I am the only one who knows the answers. I am the only honest source. If you ask anyone else, of course they are going to invent "facts" to make me look bad. I mean look at your "news" coverage of me. Sixty-two percent of your coverage of me is negative and only 5 percent is positive. That is outrageous! I mean it is true that 99% of the things I do are pure evil, but think of all of the times I honored unsuspecting women by laying my hands on them. They loved it! Some of them said they might not have... but come on. Look at me. Plus I'm famous. Obviously they were thrilled. Why don't you write about how happy these women were instead of focusing on the vicious things I do the vast majority of the time?

But since you once again tried to get your information from impartial sources, let me set the record straight for you nimrods.



OK. I can't even believe someone would have the gaul to bring my children into this. Children don't belong anywhere near the power I possess. It's not like I would bring my kids into high level Imperial meetings or anything. I wouldn't send them to represent the Empire in meetings with dignitaries. But since you already brought them into this, let me take this opportunity to tell you a little about your "hero" Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Not only did that scumbag steal my children and hide them, every once in a while he would taunt me by sending these little transmissions of them having fun without me. If only I could have figured out where either of my children were. But that diabolical mastermind did the last thing anyone would expect: hid my son with my relatives on my home planet without even changing his last name. Now those are some balls for you there (gray and shriveled I'm sure... but balls nonetheless).

I received this transmission on the fourth Halloween I spent without my wife and children. Real nice huh? Old Bag-o-crap Kenobi thought it would be cute to get my son to dress up like me and run around his dwelling yelling, "I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells and...I like to kiss my own butt." Everyone knows if he knew he were my son, he would defend me no matter what heinous act I committed. He would never even whisper a word against me. He would defend me know matter how ridiculous and hypocritical it made him look.

You may have not noticed another piece of trolling going on here. That crazy old wizard had my daughter hold her lightsaber completely wrong! If I were there, I would have told her, "Baby, you're getting killed... if you keep holding your lightsaber that way". She clearly is not qualified to be in that fight. She has received no training. She has no experience with this. Why would she even be in a room where this was going on? Clearly she wouldn't. Nobody would be dumb enough to put their daughter in a position for which she had absolutely no qualifications whatsoever. So yeah, that loser Obi-Lame is a real hero.



It comes as no surprise that you are completely wrong about that second image as well. The man on the left is crying tears of joy. I know that may seem odd as I never do anything that people to the left of me appreciate. In fact, most people to the right of me don't appreciate most of my actions either. Usually you have to use a very wide angle lens to see the people far,far away on the right who like what I say and do. But this man is the exception. I have just told him that I am going to be spending the evening with his wife. Do you see how moved he is by this? I mean, not only I am the most powerful being in any universe, I am the star of the documentary Star Wars. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. You can grab someone's wife. You can do anything. This guy is thrilled that I have honored him in this way.

He was so excited that he insisted on giving me a gift. He reached into that bag and pulled out...

A new hand!!!!!



I am not going to use this to replace one of my existing hands. I am going to have this one attached to the middle of my chest so I can Force choke 3 losers at once.



I will also be able to eat a giant sandwich while doing "other things" with that third hand. Sweet!



In the final image, one of your police officers is offering me a hug. For some reason he thinks I am becoming "unhinged". He thought a nice warm hug from him would help settle me down. First of all, I am completely "hinged". I know exactly what I am doing at all times. I don't act rashly like some petulant little five year old. I calmly examine my options and then I kill whoever the frack I feel like. I don't need him or anyone trying to calm me down. And what are they worried about? It's not like I have access to the most destructive power ever known. Oh wait. I am the most destructive power ever known. Oh and I also have a Death Star. But I can be trusted to show restraint in the use of those powers. I am nothing if I am not the model of restraint. Except for...


Screen Shot 2017-10-14 at 5.54.51 PM.png

I later found out that this "hug" was just a ploy to try to distract me from sending a transmission to one of our enemies in the Outer Rim. This loser is attempting to build a weapon that is capable of doing significant damage to the Empire. Some of my advisors think I should stop provoking this lunatic. Others think that I am trying to distract people from the myriad of mistakes the Empire has made recently. But they are all idiots. I don't care about those things right now. There is a huge problem with those offspring of a bantha pod racer pilots who are all up in arms about some nonsense. I need to devote my attention to real issues like that.

So nice try officer. But you can't stop me. I need to send out some urgent pod-racing related transmissions immediately!

Images
One more time
Trolling
Tears of Joy
The gift that keeps on giving
Where's that third hand?
Gimme a hug
Restraint: All from the 20th Century Fox documentaries. Except for this one.

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This articles was massively clear. as my concern I am also freaking out about fake news and some destruction of bias media. Your capability of hanging out of war in freedom of speech and all good things might be ironically wonderful. I up vote this article for your clear vision. @lordvader. hope to see you next blog.

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People are paid in order how many articles or news do they make. OK, they were raised by surrounding people - PRO news maker.

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There seems to be something wrong with the reception in my helmet. Dennis! Get in here and fix it!

Lol, this seems fun. Sure would like to jump on this let me see what I can do too, who knows i could be a winner as well.

@lordvader
How do you respond to the rumors concerning you and that orangutan on Degobah?

canvas.png

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Feel free to send it my way.

Mr. Vader, sir. I only joined the contest to keep an eye on these rebel scum.
😩

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An interesting tactic. I will allow it... this time.

I have not seen a post from you in so long m'Lord, it is nice to see your name again.

You need to consider force choking some of the spammy comments/bots that have invaded Steemit since we last chatted.,

It is....

  • Outta This World man.

Hope you're good!

i am very impressed to see this article very good hardwork

What ever happened to Cool Hand Luke?

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There was a failure to communicate.

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True there was. and mind destabilizing. Fucking fake news there is so many bias media who might be in payroll on that matter. like in my country the Rappler has founded by CIA to destabilized the government.

I am not going to use this to replace one of my existing hands. I am going to have this one attached to the middle of my chest so I can Force choke 3 losers at once.

If I didn't lost my job of Senior Lecturer at the Imperial Torture Academy, I would already have the third hand! I need that badly… to hold an umbrella while shooting people in the rain. I mean, photographically shooting, of course.

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We need photographers in the Empire as well.

He misses every freaking time!

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Is that Obi Wan in guise with a Polaseroid? Did he cut you badly?

@minnowpond1 has voted on behalf of @minnowpond. If you would like to recieve upvotes from minnowponds team on all your posts, simply FOLLOW @minnowpond.

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BarryDutton Barry Dutton tweeted @ 15 Oct 2017 - 03:15 UTC

Latest edition on #Steemit #Blog from our very own #LordVader. 😀 @steemit #StarWars #DarthVader #Funny #ForceChoke

steemit.com/funny/@lordvad… / https://t.co/R6j37ASHUS

Disclaimer: I am just a bot trying to be helpful.

HAHAHAHHA

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That is so brilliant. I am very grateful for that! Love it.

Congratulations, your post received one of the top 10 most powerful upvotes in the last 12 hours. You received an upvote from @gavvet valued at 42.87 SBD, based on the pending payout at the time the data was extracted.

If you do not wish to receive these messages in future, reply with the word "stop".

Congratulations @lordvader, this post is the second most rewarded post (based on pending payouts) in the last 12 hours written by a Hero account holder (accounts that hold between 10 and 100 Mega Vests). The total number of posts by Hero account holders during this period was 197 and the total pending payments to posts in this category was $3497.54. To see the full list of highest paid posts across all accounts categories, click here.

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The press are just jealous of your good looks. Don't they know black is the new black? I get all choked up thinking about this, or was that you?

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You are one of the few who will be spared from any choking. So many are jealous of my good looks. Actually everyone with eyes.

Your post is very nice. I have never seen anything like this

Follow me @gizem 🤗

Great post, Thanks for sharing!!

The force is strong with this post

ooooooooooooooooooooooooo

every once in a while he would taunt me by sending these little transmissions of them having fun without me

Hah!

Nice to see the post. Thanks

This is a lame attempt to get some followers to my blog. Have a look at it and get free dissappointment.

https://steemit.com/life/@dexter-on-cocain/from-a-highschool-dropout-to-hip-hop-sensation-know-the-backstory-of-drake

https://steemfollower.com/?r=4893

Follow this link to earn more on Steemit

Welcome to my steemit.Please follow and vote me-https://steemit.com/@ovronil

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No, no, no.

#WarOnSpam

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He is gonna Force Choke you man, for crappy comments and not building community.

#Bots

This is just so hilariously written. Thank you. I have followed and resteem this post 😊😊

Holy shit!! The real Darth Vader is on steemit!! Darth, Luke is over there talking shit again you guys should just make up, your Father and Son.

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Make up with that whiny little farm boy? Doubtful.

Lol the babies are so cute

Then Lord Dan Vader came back healthy!!!
I had to pee twice before I could read up the post 😂😂😂😂
I might just have to go pee again.
When I saw the funny tag. I knew I was just going to laugh the shit out of myself... (whisk) I guess I did!
I crack 4 ribs and I fell twice running to use my toilet.
OK jokes apart, the whole post was still spiced with some truth though!

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Sounds like you could use some time in one of these

You have to bring your own diaper though.

Nice piece, @lordvader. I don't really support bullying with words, but we can always be better, not really for others to see, but for us achieve more and be happier. @greatness96

@lordvader upvoted and following you for such a nice funny article. Between article has some offensive words which could have been replaced by some milder ones, just a suggestion.

Mr. Vader, care to explain this picture?

Congratulations @lordvader!
Your post was mentioned in the hit parade in the following category:

  • Pending payout - Ranked 1 with $ 263,68

why was the police stopping vader lol

It sound good.

Lot of steeming