Greetings loyal followers.
My executive assistant Vera, who is a true winner in every sense of the word, has informed me that your planet's inhabitants have created a contest in order to decipher what was transpiring in a series of images involving me. Here is the contest of which I speak.
Hey morons, if you wanted to know what was happening in these images, all you had to do was ask. I am the only one who knows the answers. I am the only honest source. If you ask anyone else, of course they are going to invent "facts" to make me look bad. I mean look at your "news" coverage of me. Sixty-two percent of your coverage of me is negative and only 5 percent is positive. That is outrageous! I mean it is true that 99% of the things I do are pure evil, but think of all of the times I honored unsuspecting women by laying my hands on them. They loved it! Some of them said they might not have... but come on. Look at me. Plus I'm famous. Obviously they were thrilled. Why don't you write about how happy these women were instead of focusing on the vicious things I do the vast majority of the time?
But since you once again tried to get your information from impartial sources, let me set the record straight for you nimrods.
OK. I can't even believe someone would have the gaul to bring my children into this. Children don't belong anywhere near the power I possess. It's not like I would bring my kids into high level Imperial meetings or anything. I wouldn't send them to represent the Empire in meetings with dignitaries. But since you already brought them into this, let me take this opportunity to tell you a little about your "hero" Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Not only did that scumbag steal my children and hide them, every once in a while he would taunt me by sending these little transmissions of them having fun without me. If only I could have figured out where either of my children were. But that diabolical mastermind did the last thing anyone would expect: hid my son with my relatives on my home planet without even changing his last name. Now those are some balls for you there (gray and shriveled I'm sure... but balls nonetheless).
I received this transmission on the fourth Halloween I spent without my wife and children. Real nice huh? Old Bag-o-crap Kenobi thought it would be cute to get my son to dress up like me and run around his dwelling yelling, "I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells and...I like to kiss my own butt." Everyone knows if he knew he were my son, he would defend me no matter what heinous act I committed. He would never even whisper a word against me. He would defend me know matter how ridiculous and hypocritical it made him look.
You may have not noticed another piece of trolling going on here. That crazy old wizard had my daughter hold her lightsaber completely wrong! If I were there, I would have told her, "Baby, you're getting killed... if you keep holding your lightsaber that way". She clearly is not qualified to be in that fight. She has received no training. She has no experience with this. Why would she even be in a room where this was going on? Clearly she wouldn't. Nobody would be dumb enough to put their daughter in a position for which she had absolutely no qualifications whatsoever. So yeah, that loser Obi-Lame is a real hero.
It comes as no surprise that you are completely wrong about that second image as well. The man on the left is crying tears of joy. I know that may seem odd as I never do anything that people to the left of me appreciate. In fact, most people to the right of me don't appreciate most of my actions either. Usually you have to use a very wide angle lens to see the people far,far away on the right who like what I say and do. But this man is the exception. I have just told him that I am going to be spending the evening with his wife. Do you see how moved he is by this? I mean, not only I am the most powerful being in any universe, I am the star of the documentary Star Wars. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. You can grab someone's wife. You can do anything. This guy is thrilled that I have honored him in this way.
He was so excited that he insisted on giving me a gift. He reached into that bag and pulled out...
A new hand!!!!!
I am not going to use this to replace one of my existing hands. I am going to have this one attached to the middle of my chest so I can Force choke 3 losers at once.
I will also be able to eat a giant sandwich while doing "other things" with that third hand. Sweet!
In the final image, one of your police officers is offering me a hug. For some reason he thinks I am becoming "unhinged". He thought a nice warm hug from him would help settle me down. First of all, I am completely "hinged". I know exactly what I am doing at all times. I don't act rashly like some petulant little five year old. I calmly examine my options and then I kill whoever the frack I feel like. I don't need him or anyone trying to calm me down. And what are they worried about? It's not like I have access to the most destructive power ever known. Oh wait. I am the most destructive power ever known. Oh and I also have a Death Star. But I can be trusted to show restraint in the use of those powers. I am nothing if I am not the model of restraint. Except for...
I later found out that this "hug" was just a ploy to try to distract me from sending a transmission to one of our enemies in the Outer Rim. This loser is attempting to build a weapon that is capable of doing significant damage to the Empire. Some of my advisors think I should stop provoking this lunatic. Others think that I am trying to distract people from the myriad of mistakes the Empire has made recently. But they are all idiots. I don't care about those things right now. There is a huge problem with those offspring of a bantha pod racer pilots who are all up in arms about some nonsense. I need to devote my attention to real issues like that.
So nice try officer. But you can't stop me. I need to send out some urgent pod-racing related transmissions immediately!