Back in my day... (Halloween edition)
I haven't checked the statistics lately. However, the last time I did, the average age on steemit was 30 years old. Therefore, at 46, I am one of the old men of steemit. As an elder statesman, every once and in a while, I consider it t is my duty to get all grumpy and grumble about how much better things were in "my day".
Maybe I'm not quite old enough yet. This week, I wanted to get all crotchety about how much better Halloween was when I was a kid. Then I realized that it wasn't.
I get that the one thing is The Creature from the Black Lagoon, The yellow one is a Plague Doctor, but what is the green one? Only if it had the name written across the chest!
Halloween in the 1980s super sucked compared to what I saw this week.
First of all, back in my day, you were guaranteed to receive at least three popcorn balls, four pounds of candy corn, and enough Bit-O-Honey to ensure that your dentist would be able to buy at least two new boats that year. And that isn't even counting the rock hard Pal Bubble gum, flavorless candy cigarettes (seriously people gave those to kids) , and whatever the Hell was in those plain black and orange wrappers (And I am not swearing here. I really mean that they serve that unidentifiable candy in Hell).
Welcome to Hell. Enjoy the only dessert you will ever taste again! Mwa ha ha ha ha!
You know what my kids got when they went trick-or-treating earlier this week?
Name brand candy!
Tons of it! When I was a kid, if you got one Snickers you rubbed it in your friends' faces, saved it for last and savored it like it were the finishing touch on your last meal. Earlier this week, I saw a kid drop a Snickers... and he didn't even go back for it! He had 30 others in his bag. It would have just slowed him down.
My kids actually got a few full-sized candy bars. And we don't even live in a rich neighborhood! When I was a child there were legends of neighborhoods across town where the full-sized candy bars flowed like sustenance coming straight from Amalthea's Cornucopia. But we never dared go. In order to get there, we would have to sit in the way back of those death trap paneled station wagons. No way we were risking that.
Yes. We used to think this was a good idea. By the way, what it wrong with these kids? They are wasting a prime bird-flipping opportunity.
Pffff! Of course we would risk that! It is just that none of our parents were going to drive us to another neighborhood across town. Those death wagons got like 6 miles to the gallon and gas was a whopping $1.32 in 1981! I may have asked my mom to drive us once. I think she responded with, "No way! Just go and enjoy your Circus Peanuts, Mary Janes, and Good & Plenty. Back in my day, all we got were apples, sawdust, and grass clippings."
But my kids got some of those babies just by walking around our block. It was enough to make me want to go and put on a costume and get some for myself.
And there is another thing...
Back in my day, the costumes sucked as bad as a Mork and Mindy episode after Mearth joined the cast. Like every other boy in 1981 I was a huge Star Wars fan (big shock I know). Everyone wanted to be Boba Fett that year. Being the spoiled brat I was, I got my wish. Here's what I got:
You know what the real Boba Fett doesn't have on his chest? A picture of himself! He also doesn't have a belt with his name on it.
So that was the best Boba Fett costume available to me in 1981. Do you want to see the worst one available today?
$19 at wholesalehalloweencostumes.com. So this is what would get you made fun of today. "Your mom had to buy you the "Standard" costume. Couldn't afford the extra $7 for the "Deluxe". But this is awesome compared to mine!
At least Boba Fett wears a helmet. Therefore, that mask wasn't too ridiculous. It looked cheap and lame, but at least it made sense.
A couple of years earlier, I was Luke Skywalker...
Was this Luke Skywalker or Eric Stoltz as Rocky Dennis? I still have no idea.
How something can be so lame and terrifying at the same time is beyond me. Yet somehow they pulled it off. Lucky me.
Here's the worst part about it. I had blond hair and it was styled like Luke's (it was the late 70s... and apparently my mom thought I was a girl).
For a mere $14 I could have rocked this costume so hard!
I freaking looked just like Luke! Why I covered up my perfectly good face with that lead paint covered mask is beyond me.
This Halloween, I saw kids wearing Godzilla costumes that you blow up with air. There were perfect Spider-Man and Batman costumes. Some girls looked exactly like Elsa, Moana or Rey. My own son rubbed it in my face with a perfect Tusken Raider costume... that was cheap as hell. We didn't even need to leave our home to get him an awesome Sand Person costume complete with a gaffi stick.
Now some people might be thinking, "Oh that is a huge step back. Where is the creativity? Its so easy to get something store bought." But kids still have the option to make their own. That choice wasn't taken away just because super awesome costumes are now easily obtainable. In fact, last year, my son was a "Gonk Droid" from Star Wars. He made his costume out of cardboard boxes and some garden irrigation tubes.
I too enjoyed a homemade costume or two when I was young. One of my favorite was a pirate costume which consisted of my mom's puffy red blouse, Culottes, high heel lace up boots, a ton of costume jewelry necklaces, and a big hoop earring.
Still 10 times more manly than I looked.
When I was 11 my mom
let made me go as a crossdresser.*
Back in my day... Halloween sucked!
*Not that there's anything wrong with that.