My father abandoned me at age 12. I never saw him again. He was mentally ill (paranoid schizophrenic).

This girl has no idea how lucky she has it. Infact none of you with supportive fathers do. I remember father's day just passed recently. It's always so difficult for me because my father is not dead, but he might as well be. He is a mere carcass; a shell of his former self with his mind long gone.

I have not spoken to him in 15 years. Not because I am angry with him, but because I don't know where he is... I've tried everything to look for him. I don't know what he looks like; his favor color, his age, birthday, favorite hobby, or ANYTHING about him.

I'm not even angry at him anymore... I just want to see him. It breaks my heart knowing that he's going to die in some shelter or halfway house by himself; alone, just as he lived. I miss him so much :( I don't remember too many details but up until age 10 he was a normal great dad.

He told me he loved me once & I am tearing up just reminiscing that day.

I'm starting to forget what he looks like... maybe I already did. He's just a shadow silhouette in my mind. What scares me most is how much more I'm becoming like him with each passing year.

Next time anyone who reads this (who's father is still alive & apart of their lives) regardless of whatever mistakes he's made; forgive him. Because I would do anything just to know what's his favorite color. To have a meal with him... or even a cup of coffee. A sip... anything?

You don't know desperation, misery & anguish until you've experienced losing your father then losing your mind you start to lose your grip on reality and everyday is filled with doubt, anxiety and guilt. The kind of feeling that makes you mad enough to scream but sad enough to cry hysterically. IT's hopelessness, helplessness, and suicide starts to sound more appealing by the day...