The Package
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6 years ago in #finishthestory by tristancarax (66)
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The Package
View this post on Hive: The Package
There are some really beautiful detailed descriptions in here;
I definitely would have slipped on this :)
This adds to the creepy vibes you maintain throughout your entry, especially Dr. Utopia and the abandoned pool location.
I have only a small suggestion;
This just removes the repetition of the word face, as you had described the nails being in the face so you don't need to clarify the manikin as face up. Hope this makes sense.
Yes, that makes sense. I was struggling with making that make sense so I'm glad you said something.
I did surprise myself with the way of my descriptions. I'm glad you liked them as well.
I never imagined the original story set in a car would end up in such a creepy dilapidated place and even creepier bossman in a pool. I love where your imagination takes you. It really pulled me in once she entered the doors and had no idea where you were going with it.
And I never want to know what he wanted the baby to have...never.
You have Grammarly listed at the end of your post. Running it through that probably would have helped you with a couple of typos, or not. I prefer ProWriting Aid now but neither of them is foolproof.
-@ntowl
I surprised myself with how this turned out.
lol ... They baby may like it. 8-)
Grammarly did not help me with those typos even though I have it on as I type. I'll have to wait on a paid writing program for reasons you're aware of. If you want to point out those errors, feel free too.
Thanks @ntowl
OK, if it will help.
"The light moister" should be "The light moisture" (I'm assuming. I didn't understand "moister" here)
"demons giving lashing" better as "demons lashing"
"in the beating her baby" should be "in the beating of her baby" or "in beating her baby"
"the crowbars laying around," should be "the crowbars lying around," [don't worry I never get lay/lie/laid/layed/etc. right either.]
So not so bad. I threw your part into ProWriting Aid and it was just as useless as Grammarly. It only noticed the "laying" vs. "lying" thing. Oh and it didn't recognize some words you had correct like "graffitied" .
So the tools help but don't catch everything. And self editing is hard so hold your head high!
As I've siad bfroee, wtiouht selpl ccehk, I'd be lsot. Gmmraaly has its pcale - slpel ckchineg my wdros is the lseat of its wierros. 8-) LOL
Thanks for the edits. Changing now.
Those lay/lie/laid/layed/etc. get me almost every time.
They get me EVERY time. I always look it up, then end up confused again. I think I have trauma from a previous life or something where I laid while lying and then lied about it.
Enjoyed the story. Interesting character with Dr. Utopia. Sounds like a series?
It very well could be. One of these days I'll develop the courage to write more of a series type of thing.
Series are a great way to go. Trying to develop The Lords of Hemp. First I need to get to present day. Steemit really helping me get a feel for the characters.
Oh wow, the descriptions you use here really open a window into an immersive moment.
You capture the descriptive tone from the first half perfectly, you come in so strong on that opening line and you maintain that beautifully level through out. The line about doing this for her baby, you feign fantastically this is going to be a gritty tale of something else. There are so many lines here I want to compliment, but it would be most of them! <3<3 So i am just going to say you do an amazing job of the scene settings, the descriptions, the back ground and that the hints of personification add to the scene and the atmosphere so very well! The building, the boy and the quote, then the pool with the manikins, they work very well as background elements that add to the whole story, Especially the featuring of manikins, on one side the floating in the pool, the target is almost threat like, on another side it creates this surreal party vibe.
The plot is well put together, and you walk a line of portrayal very well, leaving it so the reader can decide how "bad" this situation really is. Intrigued by the serum, and what it could be that she was able to procure, and this Dr Utopia, sounds like someone i'd like to meet lol
to end it like this
it's just such a good touch, letting the readers projection and assumption reach a culmination where they are forced to take one side or another, and see it is something nice, or something not so nice.
As always, insightful review.
I'm glad I was able to stay consistent throughout the piece. So often in these, I want to write, "and then there was an alien that did some shit. The end." lol
I really like that last line as well. One person said that they didn't want to know what she could take for the baby. 8-)