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RE: The Package

in #finishthestory6 years ago

Oh wow, the descriptions you use here really open a window into an immersive moment.

The light moisture in the air got heavier with every step they took toward the building

You capture the descriptive tone from the first half perfectly, you come in so strong on that opening line and you maintain that beautifully level through out. The line about doing this for her baby, you feign fantastically this is going to be a gritty tale of something else. There are so many lines here I want to compliment, but it would be most of them! <3<3 So i am just going to say you do an amazing job of the scene settings, the descriptions, the back ground and that the hints of personification add to the scene and the atmosphere so very well! The building, the boy and the quote, then the pool with the manikins, they work very well as background elements that add to the whole story, Especially the featuring of manikins, on one side the floating in the pool, the target is almost threat like, on another side it creates this surreal party vibe.

The plot is well put together, and you walk a line of portrayal very well, leaving it so the reader can decide how "bad" this situation really is. Intrigued by the serum, and what it could be that she was able to procure, and this Dr Utopia, sounds like someone i'd like to meet lol

to end it like this

take something for the baby on your way out

it's just such a good touch, letting the readers projection and assumption reach a culmination where they are forced to take one side or another, and see it is something nice, or something not so nice.

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As always, insightful review.

I'm glad I was able to stay consistent throughout the piece. So often in these, I want to write, "and then there was an alien that did some shit. The end." lol

I really like that last line as well. One person said that they didn't want to know what she could take for the baby. 8-)

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