The Package

in finishthestory •  6 months ago  (edited)


Picture by @f3nix
Source:https://steemit.com/finishthestory/@bananafish/finish-the-story-contest-week-49

Here is my entry for Finish The Story Contest - Week #49!

You can find the contest at:

https://steemit.com/finishthestory/@bananafish/finish-the-story-contest-week-49

Original Story


The Package


by @gaby-crb

Condensation clung to the window, occasionally releasing a surge that cleared a path making the outside world visible. The cold white light refracted in the tiny water droplets. It was pretty, Shannon thought, as her breath spread across the cold window.

She checked her phone, the bright screen dazzling her. Her eyes darted to the mirror. The baby didn’t stir, still sound asleep in his comfortable car seat. She checked the time, the numbers read 23:46. There was no message.

She slipped it back into her coat pocket, wrapping her fingers around each other in an attempt to bring them back to life.

The CD stopped playing, the story finished. She pressed replay. The kid would no doubt wake up if it went silent. The story started up from the beginning. It was one she had listened to herself as a child. The narrator had a soothing voice, Shannon felt calm despite her predicament.

She checked her phone again. Still no message. Her eyes darted back to the boy, his blond hair showing underneath his fluffy hat. His cheeks pink. His blue eyes hidden beneath heavy eyelids.

A gloved hand rapped against the window. Shannon jumped, she quickly rolled down the window.

A clean shaven man ducked his head down to look at her.

“You have the package?”

His eyes glanced around the car, resting a few moments on the sleeping boy before returning to her face.

She nodded, her heart hammering in her chest. This was the first time she had done something like this.

She removed the key from the ignition and opened her door, the man stepped out of the way. She was not surprised to measure up as shorter than him. She fumbled with the key in her hand. She found it hard to swallow.

“How many times do I have to do this?”

Her voice shook. She wrapped her arms around herself, giving her hands something to grip onto.

“Until you’ve paid what you owe.”

His voice clawed at her insides. He stepped closer, a hungry look in his eye.

Shannon shivered. She was mentally kicking herself for getting into debt. But there was only one thing she could do now.


Here is my ending


Keeping with her plan ...

She took a deep breath and opened the trunk of the car and pulled out a small black briefcase. She closed the trunk carefully so as not to wake the baby.

Suddenly a familiar voice surprised her as much as the mysterious man

"I knew it!" Yelled Henry, her husband, full of jealousy, nervously pointing to both of them with a small gun

The mysterious man didn't even flinch when he saw this weak little man trembling before him

"What the hell are you doing here?" Shannon yelled

"I knew you were being unfaithful. Your behavior tonight betrayed you," whined Henry

Shannon snorted and shook her head, closing her eyes.

"It's not what you think"

Out of the darkness came one of the thugs who accompanied the mysterious man and put the barrel of his gun on Henry's head

"Drop your weapon". Henry did as the thug said

The mysterious man tore the briefcase from Shannon's hands and motioned for Henry to stand next to her. Henry looked inside the car.

"And you also brought our son!?" Henry demanded.

"Won't you expect me to leave him with your mother, right?" Shannon scolded.

"Enough!" Shouted the mysterious man.

While the mysterious man was checking the briefcase content, Henry whispered to Shannon

"Don't worry! I've got everything under control," Shannon closed her eyes again, worrying one more time.

Another man came out of the darkness dragging by the neck a skinny man

"Boss, what do we do with this one?"

"You brought George too!" Shannon yelled angrily and then lowered her tone so as not to wake the baby and between teeth and sparks she said

"Please, don't tell me that this is your great plan?"

Suddenly the sound of a siren made all the criminals nervous.

"I warned you what would happen if you called the police!" The mysterious man said fiercely to Shannon.

"My bad!" said George

"Boss! We must go," said one of the accomplices

"Not without first giving a lesson to all these people," said the mysterious man taking out his weapon.

George fainted when he saw his big gun.

"Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God!" Shannon shouted.

"God? I don't think he'll hear you," replied cynically the mysterious man.

Within seconds, FBI agents jumped out from all sides and surrounded all the thugs.

"Drop your weapons, on your knees!" Shouted all the officers

All the bandits threw themselves to the ground with curses. The officers immediately disarmed and handcuffed them all.

One of the officers approached Shannon and told her

"Are you ok? Officer Danvers"

"Yes sir. I'm sorry about my husband and his friend"

"It is not with me that you should apologize but with the captain, who was watching the whole operation from the beginning"

"Are you an undercover officer?!" Henry shouted with his eyes wide open

"Why don't you post it on facebook, honey?"

Henry closed his mouth in distress.

"Take Junior home. I have to fill out some reports, we'll talk later about that gun of yours"

"And for the love of God, pick up poor George from the ground!"


I think that only a strong woman can take her baby to this type of operation

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Thank you for entering our Finish the Story Contest!

I love how her husband nearly blows the entire deal and then faints! Also that you turned it into a sting operation to get the bad guys.

Just a note for future entries, usually people quote the original story in the post so readers can see the entire thing. Take a look at some of the other entries to see what I mean.

But I'm so happy you shared your imagination with us!
-ntowl

Thank you. I already put the original story. Thanks for the tip



This post has been manually selected, curated and upvoted by CI mod staff team. Supporting all posts that are in high quality and don’t get enough recognition.



This post was submitted for curation by: @theironfelix
This post was voted: 100%

Wow that's a roller-coaster of an ending! You had me laughing all the way through. There's nothing like an uncover operation being blow by a jealous spouse, in this case Shannon's husband.

You had me in stitches with this

"Why don't you post it on facebook, honey?"

I agree with your end notes, you managed to make it seem natural for her to take her baby along for the operation despite the husband, Henry, being unaware.

Great entry :)

Thank you, I am glad you had fun

Well, it be raining Men, many a men jumping out and doing a fine job of restraining. Restraining who, we don’t know but except the bad excess of our society that we condemned to death. So is it mercy to give them justice or mercy to actually combat the things that really spawn them and not the symptoms they produce? To cure and to symptomatically cure, what would a Doctor do; well only the Nurse would know as they have to do the heavy lifting of maintaining and other times contributing to the operation!~ But let’s move on to the story, shall we from my mental follies?~

La filosofía: According to our sources, because tonight for the first time in history of this week alone, it’s raining men! Hallelujah! Amen! Socialized organization of people trained to cease organizations proving once again against the vigilante/superhero trope of one person (usually a male) doing everything! So laugh with me that this equally lands itself to the macho man quality being a good thing had been chucked violently to the side even before the SWAT (Special Weapons Assault Team) came in with a socialized organization of illegalists. Which does another thing, there is no dumb people but people who can lack bad judgement who easily are picked off by those who did their basic training and sticks to their principle like they stick to their guns. Even if it ends here with the “Policja” (Police) winning over, there are dynamics between vigilantism and actual crime-response units and it had to take someone who actively was seeing a scene to make the judgement call. So playing into the socialized organization witn crime-response and not atomizing the role to some superhuman being.

La forma: I would look at @gaby-crb’s and @ntowl’s (@banananfish’s) comment for this section. All I say really is that this text has some sass! But reading the prompt would help contextualize the sass despite taking the entry and making that thr focal point of a reader’s enjoyment of the post - after all: a finish the story entry here. Welp, at least the dialogue is good and sticks to what I imagine ground comms would be like for contemporary police events. That’s for sure.

This is so entertaining, i am loving your comedy touches for finish the story, this one had me laughing away at work.

The way her husband bursts in with his friend, so under prepared for the scene they find themselves in. I can just picture him blustering with his friend, building themselves up to confront her.

The exchange between her and her husband is just priceless, especially the bit about leaving the baby with the mother-in-law. And the fact that George, the man her husband brought as back up, faints, ahhh its just perfect.

The fact her code phrase is OMG just cracked me u, and then her husband shouting out her secret and her response, you capture that couples banter so wonderfully.

There is a lot of depth behind the humor in this, and I sincerely appreciate Shannon as a strong character, a very impressive ending!

Life is already full of drama and horror. It's necessary to fill hearts with joy and laughter.

Hahaha. So much for a macho husband. Nice twist.

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