Hoist the colours, proud fiction writers!

Greetings folks. I'd like to thank all the participants for the 60th week of Finish the Story. This is @dirge. I will list my commentary on everyone's pieces below, as well as list the winners.

What's boiling in the bananafish kitchen?

I'm not really sure, so maybe I'll update this part of the blurb later. Or, @f3nix can mention something. Basically we hang out sometimes on discord and talk about random projects. Not sure.

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• Curie factoid: we have been supported by the amazing Curie community with 81 upvotes in 56 editions. We have now more than an average of 1 curie upvote per edition! @Sarez and @Tristancarax are tied out in front, closely followed by @Brisby, @Calluna, @Cyemela and @Dirge. I think. This is frankly copied and pasted from previous contest posts, as I'm trying to do this all between afterwork and feeding my dogs. Either way, let's show the amazing Curie community our solidarity and vote for @Curie as one of Steem's witnesses! 😎

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Commentary

I read somewhere that, when writing about plans in fiction (like a bank heist), that they’re really good to detail a plot, storyline, and tension. Once the reader reads about the plan, then they will know exactly what to expect.

But the #1 thing about a plan, in fiction, is that it has to fail somewhere.

For example, “They planned out the robbery. It went perfectly. The end.”

There’s no story there. Something has to happen.

Just like a joke, the humor is from the surprise punchline. When we have a story that outlines a plan, the fun emerges from how the story deviates from that plan.

This is always good practice. And I was really delighted with the direction everyone went!

After rereading what I wrote, I hated the names. Derek, Mike and Terry in no way shape or form come off as hardened criminals or druggies. Terrible names on my part!

Our Contestants

@sarez's story

We’re brought into a reason for Terry’s hatred of his uncle. The description of the mother’s face is haunting. How does the plan go wrong? The uncle is stubborn!

Derek took charge, getting into the back seat he ordered "Talk." and poked his knife into Jon's ear drawing a spray of blood. Diddler started talking in bursts, taking great gasps of air. Twenty Thousand Pounds buried in a lunch box between the brown ragweed patch and the fence. Derek had knocked him out to stop his babbling.

Everything about this paragraph, from the description of the lunchbox to Derek cutting his ear to the pacing of the sentences is wonderful. The tension builds with each word.

The ending is appropriate: everyone dies but Terry. We get glimpses of Terry’s character, from him fearing for Mike to curling up in a ball like a child.

Really enjoyed the ending!

darthgexe's story

@darthgexe's tale

Jon’s dialog was very believable. I could imagine some old southern dude talking like this.

"I wanted you to come fishing with me a long time ago. I'm glad you asked me, I didn't have the courage to invite you", the old man's voice was a bit crooked. "Are you a real man now? You go fishing, you look for your food! I wasted no time with you, when you came home you were a spoiled child, weak, but I strengthened your character ..."

The sudden change in Terry’s heart about his uncle was also believable. This is almost the beginning of a film, and I want to see what Derek does to the two of them for betraying his plan.

@calluna's story

@calluna's entry

It begins with a question, which immediately draws us in.

Wait? A meth cook? Is pregnant?

Ok. TELL ME MORE!

He heard chatter in lock up she'd lost the baby anyway. Fucking junkie. He'd never get back the years, but he could get back his money, and he had a score to settle. No one crossed a Byrant.

This is a great example of a paragraph that moves forward. It’s in Derek’s voice, it sets the atmosphere of the story. It establishes who he is as a character. And, well, he’s not very nice, I’ll put it like that.

From there, we discover backstory between the Treasure and Derek’s stolen cash, by the once-pregnant meth-head Lou.

Light slammed on, Lou's eyes stared down at him from Terry's face. Realization hit Derek moments before the bullet, the boys face twisting into a look he knew too well. No one crossed a Bryant.

So at first, I thought this meant that Lou was literally there. But you meant, it was her eyes in Terry, that is, Terry is her brother after-all, so they share the same features. And Terry was planning to betray Derek all along.

What confused me a bit was the last line. No one crosses a Bryant. So is Terry also a Bryant? Or, you mean, nobody crosses Derek, and they know this, so they know they have to take him out before he kills them?

These minor questions aside, this is a well crafted revenge tale. Gritty! Great as always!

@vida-blanca

@vida-blanca's story

We begin with rationale for Terry’s hatred of Jon. A bank robbery gone wrong. These are hardened criminals with a code. I would have liked to see more of Terry’s life as a kid, by you showing us the hardships, instead of you telling us about them. But I understand this was a 500 word prompt and just exposition to set up the conflict with Derek.

The final showdown was classic: get the two bad guys to fight each other. (D kills M). Then, while the bad guy is busy, the good guy gets his weapon and kills him. A fun story with a lot of background.

My favorite part was the idea of a child being tracked down by a distant uncle, taken out of poverty and trained to be some kind of assassin or badass. I like those stories!

@tristancarax

@tristancarax's story

His post's cover image was an illustrated recreation of HH Holme’s Murder Hotel. Those of you who don’t know about him, he was quite the sick piece of shit.

Anyway, when I saw the image, I knew what I was in store for.

I think the strongest this in this story is the voice. Jerry (Jon? The Uncle?) the serial killer has a strong authentic voice, and he rants like a madman. It’s appropriate, and in his rant, we get to see just why Terry hated him so much, and why Terry wanted to request a hit on him from gangsters.

I guess the frying pan is from the woman he enslaved? Or it’s a physical representation of the woman inside his deranged mind? I suppose that the three survivors didn’t want to ask, they just wanted to GTFO of there.

And if some weird psycho asks you to come hang out at his hotel. Don’t. Don’t be polite, don’t say yes. Learn to say no and walk away!

@sidequest

@sidequest's story

“There’s no money,” said Jon. “Just some of Terry’s souvenirs.”

He went back to digging while Mike flicked through the box. There was a baseball card, a marbled rubber ball, a bloody scrap of fabric, and underneath an ID card from the local middle school. Adam Brewer, seventh grade.
Mike jerked back. He still remembered two years ago when Adam had gone missing. His oldest sister, who didn’t talk to Mike anymore, was best friends with Adam’s mom. Mike had volunteered in a couple of searches, earning a grudging thanks.

Me: you’re so f’ed, Mike. Get out of there. You’re so f’ed.

He was gesturing towards the X formed by the bodies when Mike let his final shot loose. Not all killing was heavy, it turned out. Sometimes it felt right.

This was a perfect way to tie in the title “X marks the spot”. Though I disagree with Mike on killing Derek. But I suppose from a criminal’s perspective, morality isn’t the thing to focus on, so much as eliminating all eye witnesses.

The Winners

Everyone did well, and I enjoyed reading everyone's story! If we were whales, I'd make it rain. Until then...

GRAND PRIZE - 5 STEEM & 500 SNAX tokens: @sarez

SECOND PRIZE - 3 STEEM & 200 SNAX tokens: @sidequest

THIRD PRIZE - 2 STEEM & 200 SNAX tokens: @calluna

POPULAR VOTE - not enough votes this week!

Best Comment: I f'd this up and forgot to include it. Best comments go to @calluna. +4 sbi

Sustain the @bananafish project through your delegations! We're a selfless inclusive and decentralized community, we put our heart in what we do and a lot of passion and everyone will be abundantly rewarded for their generosity as the @bananafish will keep growing. Here you may find a guide by @marcoriccardi on how to sustain this project.

A special thanks to @felt.buzz, @gwilberiol, @dirge, @theironfelix, @raj808, @brisby, @maverickinvictus, @cyemela, @marcoriccardi, @hidden84, @calluna, @oivas, @f3nix, @khasa, @vdux, @anixio, @ntowl, @tristancarax and @blueeyes8960 for their precious delegations, making this project a reality!

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See you tomorrow for Edition #61!