Of Pontus

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A couple years ago I developed a serious case of insomnia. I've always been a night owl but this was something different, it wasn't that it took a long time to fall asleep, or I didn't get enough, but that I simply couldn't. It was like whatever physiological process that enables sleep was a wire that was cut. The wire was cut, that was it. It would be better if the wire wasn't cut, but it is. My thought process became cyclical around day 3 without sleep. By without sleep I mean none. Zero hours. No naps, no brief 15 minutes here or there, absolutely none (or so it felt, apparently there's 'microsleeps' where you fall asleep momentarily without realizing you missed any time or there was a lapse in consciousness, which can occur even in the middle of conversation or driving). I felt numb. I called in sick. I was a paramedic at the time. Dangerous. Two nights too dangerous. Never been this bad. I forgot to eat. I couldn't answer the phone. Sometimes opening the laptop filled me with terror. The world was out there, and if I acknowledge the world must I also acknowledge-
also aknowledge--

###%^#also aknldge

#)&%@_@%*&_so akngledge

AALSO aaaakakkknowledhe

I need water. It takes me an hour to do this. Day 4? 6? No can't be 6. It takes me an hour to decide to get some water and get the water. I wasn't distracted or absorbed in something. The whole time I was thinking about how dry my mouth was, how much I wanted water. Nothing was stopping me. In total, the plan, inception to completion, took probrobly around 1:01h or 1:02h even. 60 of those possible 62 minutes were spent thinking about getting glass of water; 01 or 02 getting it. I don't know why.

I need help I think. My dads a doctor but I go to a walk-in. I had drug issues in my late teens and early twenties. I don't want him to think I'm trying to get drugs again. This is important.

I go the walk-in. The doctor seems nice. He asks what's wrong. I say insomnia. He gets irritated quickly and I feel guilty. He says he's not giving me benzodiazepenes. He thinks I'm trying to get drugs. I didn't mention them. I tell him that's fine, can I have something else. He's still mad and doesn't believe me? I knew a walk-in wouldn't give me those, but why does being a young male with psychological problems seem to automatically make you a drug seeker? And why is that a bad thing all the time? If you know what drugs help you, why can't I tell you? Why can't you give me the drugs that help me if I know they help me? And you may have if I didn't? Why do people feel the need to trip over a pill's name, foot catching convoluted contours in contrived contractions of the tongue over the teeth, "I think it was called-". That doesn't really make sense... does it? No. I don't think so. I'll think about it later.

I don't do that. Benzodiazepenes are the drugs I had the aforementioned issues with. I would love some. But I shouldn't. They would only help right now. And obviously this guy has dealt with people like me who are stupid enough to say what helps them. Never say that. Fools. Never remember names. Preface with "I think". Be unsure. Only way to get help. But it's good he didn't. I won't lie, I wish he did. But maybe new pills will help.

The doctor gives me the pills I don't remember the name of (because they didn't help) after I mention Zoloft hasn't worked for me in the past. I thank him and leave. Choosing between exhausted and angry I choose exhausted and go home where I don't sleep again. Brain wont stop now. Keeps reading, then rereading in head. Plutarch. I never went to university. Well, for a year, attended class for a semester. So a year sorta. Why is Caeser looked upon so poorly in this time period? Do you not still have an Emperor? Why the senate hailed as noble and emperor spit upon when he sits to your right at supper? Brutus? Best of men? Brutus made his living buying rights to land and taxing the residents so outlandishly they began to starve then left so he could have it. Caesar was everything but a saint but had a peculiar love of the people, of his fame, of the political gain. Which is not to be known, and I don't think they must be exclusive. So strange. I don't know the timeline yet. So much to read. Was Rome in trouble? Yearning for 'good old days'? Hm. And how can anyone not think Cato the most insufferable of cunts? He was such an asshole. The worst. Fuck off Cato.

Cunt.

What a dick.

Who is Mithradates? Pompey's triumph? New tab.

Oh my god fuck Cato man for real.

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medium | twitter

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edit: seriously though did like Marcus Aurelius have any way to know what Cato was about (being an insufferable ass)? Well if we do I assume he did. I noticed stoicism has had somewhat of a come back, can anybody familiar with it maybe tell me why Cato isn't a ridiculous hypocrite, still spoken of with reverance? Marcus I get it, but Cato cmon son