NERD SQUAD - Episode 9

Sophia plots a surprise for the TSA, while Clapper goes after new Nerd Squad recruits.

Scene 1

At Nerd Squad headquarters in Fried Electronics store, Billy and Melinda are working intensely on a laptop.  Their boss, Berry, walks in.

Berry:  Why are you two being so diligent?
Melinda (looking up from computer):  Berry, you decided to crawl out of your boss man cave? What’s the occasion?

Berry:  I’m going to have a drink at Happy’s across the street.
Billy (looks up from screen):  Is it 11am already?

FBI agent Richard Clapper walks in.

Clapper:  Hey, is Hubert around?
Berry:  No, I fired him.

Clapper:  I don’t blame ya.
Berry:  Just kiddin, he’ll be here in a bit.

Clapper:  Billy, Melinda, what are you two up to?
Melinda:  We’re hacking the FBI.

Clapper:  Funny girl, funny girl.  Seriously, I’ve never seen you two actually work, so what’s going on?

Billy:  If you must know, we hacked Hubert’s phone and now we’re in the process of signing him up for Tinder and messaging as many people on there as possible.    

Clapper:  You can do that?
Berry:  Yeah, you can do that?   

Melinda (slaps Billy on shoulder):  Cats outta the bag now!  Now he’s gonna expect quality work from both of us!

Clapper (turns to Berry):  I need to talk to your employees privately.  Would you mind?
Berry:  Not at all, I was on my way out to do some good deeds anyway.

Clapper:  You’re a horrible liar.

Berry leaves. 

Clapper:  So I’ve got great news.  We’re expanding the program.  I’ll need one of you to help Hubert on his mission.

Billy:  You mean hang out with him and his dream girl slash anarchist neighbor?
Clapper:  Yep! Considering both of you work here, I know you could use the extra cash!

Billy and Melinda nod sadly.

Clapper:  So here’s the deal.  You two are gonna have a competition for the job.  I want both of you to spy on Hubert.  Whoever gets the most valuable intel in the next 48 hours gets the job.  How about it?

Melinda:  You do realize that spying on Hubert is kind of like spying on the drying of paint.
Billy:  Not now that he has this Tinder account.

Clapper:  So it’s a deal?

Billy and Melinda both agree.  Hubert walks in.  Billy and Melinda slam the laptop shut.

Hubert:  Hey Clapper, what are you doing here?
Clapper:  Just checking up on ya.  Well, gotta run!

Hubert:  I just got here.
Clapper:  Yep, and ya look normal, so that’s great.    

Clapper runs away.

Hubert:  That was weird.
Billy:  Clapper’s always weird.

Hubert:  True.

Scene 2

Clapper is waiting in the Fried Electronics parking lot, wearing sunglasses and a fedora.  When Billy comes out, he approaches in an awkward, paranoid way.

Billy:  Hey Clapper.    
Clapper (whispering):  Try to keep your voice down.

Billy:  What kind of drugs did you take?
Clapper:  Just what my psychiatrist gave me.  Why do you ask?

Billy cringes. 

Clapper:  Anyway, I gotta tell ya something.  Your mission isn’t really to spy on Hubert.  That was just a cover.  I really want you to spy on Melinda.

Billy:  Sounds creepy. (pause) I’ll do it.  How much ya gonna pay me?
Clapper:  You don’t get paid for a tryout, son.   

Billy (exhaling deeply and looking to the heavens):  Thank god I’m not your son, Clapper.  So what about Melinda?

Clapper (awkwardly searching for a good lie):  Oh, um, I don’t think she’ll cut it.  But I still need you to prove yourself.
Billy:  Ok, cool.  I gotta go.  I’m on a service call.

Billy gets in his car and leaves.  A few minutes later, Melinda comes out.

Clapper:  Psst!

Melinda tries to ignore him.

Clapper (stealthy):  Hey.

Melinda:  Clapper, can’t you tell when someone is ignoring you?
Clapper:  You knew I was here?

Melinda:  I saw you as soon as I came out of the building. And by the way, wearing a fedora doesn't exactly help people blend in.

Clapper (embarrassed):  Oh, well then.  Ok, anyway, I’ve got to talk with ya.  Ya know that whole spying on Hubert thing?
Melinda:  Yeah?

Clapper:  Not gonna happen.
Melinda:  Why not?

Clapper:  Your real mission is to spy on Billy.
Melinda:  Billy? The creepy Billy I work with?

Clapper:  Yeah.
Melinda:  That’s really gross and boring.  I’m not sure I’m up for it.

Clapper:  Oh, come on, he seems like a decent fella.
Melinda:  That’s not saying much, coming from you. 

Clapper:  Well, look, that’s the deal.  Take it or leave it.
Melinda (sighs, rolls eyes):  Oh, all right.    

Clapper:  Great! You’ll hear from me in 48 hours! I'll expect a full report!

Scene 3

Later in the day, Billy and Melinda are heading to their cars at the end of their shift.

Billy:  So, where ya headed?
Melinda:  Home, of course.    

Billy:  You live in city heights, right?
Melinda (blushing):  Nope.

Billy (narrows eyes):  Really?
Melinda:  Where are you headed?

Billy:  You know I have no life.
Melinda:  True.  We should maybe go grab a drink, so we can get to know each other better.

Billy (throws hands up):  Ok, now I know something isn’t right.  You’re asking me to go out with you?
Melinda:  Why is that weird?

Billy:  Cuz you’re hot and you know I’m desperate.  This doesn’t add up. Wait a minute…...Did you see Clapper when you went on that service call today?

Melinda:  Um, maybe.  Why? Did you?
Billy:  Yes, I did.  Damn that Clapper.

Melinda:  What are you thinking?
Billy:  He asked me to spy on you.

Melinda:  He asked me to spy on you!
Billy (pumped up):  Oh, it’s on now!

Melinda:  Dare I ask what that hamster wheel in your head is turning out?
Billy:  We’re gonna give Clapper a dose of his own medicine.

Scene 4 

Hubert is knocking on his neighbor Sophia’s door.

Sophia:  Hey Hubert!
Hubert:  Hey, it’s been a while.

Sophia:  Yeah, since the Steemit meetup.
Hubert:  You’re not mad about that, are you?

Sophia (sarcastic):  No, why would I be mad that you brought an FBI order-follower to my house?   
Hubert (cringing):  Yeah, sorry about that.    

Sophia:  No worries.  Wanna come in?
Hubert:  Of course.

Sophia:  I’m in the middle of planning a big event.   
Hubert:  Is that right? What, like a party?

Sophia:  Nope, even better! A TSA walk through! It’s gonna be epic!
Hubert:  I don’t get it.

Sophia:  I’ve been raising funds to buy some cheap air tickets. I can hopefully get at least 50 people to join me.  The plan is to walk through a TSA checkpoint and refuse all searches.  No radiation, no touching, nothing.  Just walk on through like it should be for a free individual.    

Hubert (mousy):  Sounds kinda risky.

Sophia:  Yeah, freedom doesn’t come easy in this world, that’s for sure.  You wanna come?
Hubert:  Won’t we get arrested?

Sophia:  I don’t think they could arrest all of us.  That’s why I want at least 50 people.  The more people we have, the better chance of success.  And who knows, some of us might actually get to fly, too.  (persuasive voice)  Come on, free flight! Will ya do it?

Hubert:  How many people do you have so far?
Sophia:  Three.

Hubert:  So I won’t hold my breath, then.

Scene 5

The next day at Nerd Squad headquarters…..

Melinda: So Hubert, when will you see Clapper again?
Hubert (disturbed look):  Why do you care?

Melinda:  I just wanted to talk with him, that’s all.    
Berry (yelling from his office chair):  What!?

Hubert:  Yeah, what?
Melinda:  I just think he’s kinda interesting, that’s all.   

Berry (shouting):  What does he have that I don’t have?!   
Billy:  That’s a good point.  They’re both old, bald, and creepy.

Berry:  Look who’s talking!
Billy:  No, I’m young, balding, and creepy! Big difference!

Melinda:  So can I get his number?
Berry:  Damn twilight zone all to hell!

Hubert:  Well, I dunno.  Sure, why not? I don’t care if he fires me anyway.
Billy:  Ya don’t? You’re making triple what you make here.

Berry:  Yeah, why do you still work here, Hubert!? You should quit!
Hubert:  Yeah, but every day I feel more and more guilty about the situation with Sophia.

Billy:  Don’t worry, Hubert.  She’ll stop hanging out with you eventually, anyway.  FBI or not.

Hubert grimaces.

Hubert:  Anyway, sure, I’ll text you his number right now.    

Later that afternoon, Melinda is calling Clapper.

Clapper:  Romeo Valerio speaking.
Melinda:  What?!   

Clapper:  Who’s this?
Melinda:  Hey Clap-man, it’s Melinda.  Who’s Romeo Valerio?

Clapper:  Um, top secret.  How’d you get my number?
Melinda (sexy voice):  So I’m heading out to get drunk and irresponsible.  Wanna come?

Clapper (shocked and joyful):  Um, uh, ya, ya, I’ll do that.    
Melinda:  Great! I’ll text you the address! Bye.   

Click.

Billy:  Game on?
Melinda (smirking):  Game on.   
 
Stay tuned for episode 10!

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