In this exclusive chat with Oliver North, the Colonel of Coke reminisces about his glory days of black ops, mass murder, bloated budgets, and offers a rare glimpse into his personal life.

Reporter:  Thanks for joining us today, Colonel North.  It’s a real honor to speak with such a narrow-minded psychopath.    
 

Oliver North (smug):  It is an honor for you.  I didn’t want to do this interview, but my bosses told me to, so I bent over and said yes like a good little order following satanic mercenary.    

Reporter:  Could you start off giving us a glimpse into your childhood?

Oliver North:  My father was a major in the U.S. army, so I was raised by a wholesome thug.  One of the fondest memories I have of my father was when we would lie to mom so we could go out into the foothills and blow up random animals.  He would tell mom that we were going out for ice cream, but we always went out to destroy innocent life.  I believe it really prepared me for my life in clandestine operations.    

Reporter:  I, too, was trained in the arts of deception at a young age.

Oliver North:  I don’t care.

Reporter (grimacing):  Moving on.  You were a platoon commander during Vietnam and received many honors for your heroic, murderous exploits.  Would you like to elaborate and possibly gloat?

Oliver North (chuckling):  Well, I always love gloating! All I can say about my experience in Vietnam is that I thoroughly enjoyed killing gooks.  For a psychopath like me, nothing quite compares to mass murder for a thrill ride.

Reporter:  Do you hold any regrets from that era?

Oliver North:  I just think it ended too quickly.  Hell, I’d go drop agent orange over that whole god damned country today, if my bosses would let me.   

Reporter:  Fascinating.  Let’s now take a look at what transpired for you personally and internationally in the 1980s.  It was a hectic time, was it not?

Oliver North:  You have the gift of understatement, that’s for sure.  Have you ever helped wage covert warfare, had a multi-continental drug and gun running operation, and raise children at the same time? There was no time to sleep, I’ll tell ya! No time!

Reporter:  I can’t say that I have ever done any of that.  I’m just a lonely, mid-level, psychological operations media puppet.  Did the cocaine you had access to have any influence on your sleeping habits?

Oliver North:  I couldn’t have made it through the 80s without it!   

Reporter:  How did your wife support you during this hectic and trying times?

Oliver North:  She was a complete nag! All she ever gave me was grief.  She’d go off about how I’d never have any time for her and the children, and she’d ask me the most annoying questions, like “What do you want for dinner?”.  I was like, “Helloooo! I’m trying to coordinate illegal operations around the globe with shady characters from the underworld.  Try to show a little respect!”.  (rolling eyes and huffing) And all she would do is cry and complain, cry and complain.  Can you believe that!? Did she think that all those briefcases full of laundered drug profits just showed up magically in our bedroom? Some people just don’t get it, ya know? 

Reporter:  What an annoying bitch! How dare she ask what you want for dinner!

Oliver North:  I know, thank you! Like I was hungry, right? I mean, come on, cocaine….hunger…..I don’t think so.

Reporter (nodding in agreement):  I do have quite the habit myself, so I can relate.  Moving on.  Before we discuss your clandestine activities from that time period, I’d like you to comment on a lesser known event, the Invasion Of Grenada in 1983.  You and others have faced some criticism regarding the use of such brute military clout on a small Caribbean island nation of less than 100,000 people.  Could you respond to your critics regarding that event?

Oliver North:  That operation was shock and awe before the term “shock and awe” was invented.  We needed Grenada for various drug and military operations, and those damned commies just wouldn’t play ball, so we went in and overwhelmed those backwards buffoons.    

Reporter (licking lips):  Did it make you feel powerful?

Oliver North:  Damn right it did, really got my jollies off.

Reporter:  The world needs more brave murderers like you.

Oliver North:  I had four children, so I’m doing my part.    

Reporter:  And now I’d like to discuss what you are most recognized for, your involvement in the Iran-Contra affair.  Let’s start on the Middle Eastern side of things.  As you know, various parts of the military-industrial-government complex had been supporting Saddam Hussein for years.  Did you have any qualms about selling heavy arms to Iran? Did you know that both sides of the Iran-Iraq war were being fueled by Anglo-American banking and corporate interests?

Oliver North:  I wouldn’t be much of a military historian if I didn’t know that.  Was that supposed to be a real question? How naive is your viewing audience? They can’t be worse than my Fox News followers. (chuckles) Damn dupes.  Anyway, yes, I’m well aware that both sides of the war were supported by western interests, who also happen to be my bosses, and your boss, ya tool. I was just playing my role and making a killing, pun intended, while doing it.    

Reporter:  How satanically pragmatic of you! As for your role in the Contra movement, is there one person in particular who stands out as one of your favorites?

Oliver North (eyes rolling in the back of head, contemplating):  Oh, wow.  There were so many, just an honor to work with so many criminals.  There was Adolfo Calero, CIA asset Felix Rodriguez, Manuel Noriega, Norwin Meneses, Danilo Blandon, John Poindexter, Ed Meese, Caspar Weinberger, the list goes on and on.  I’ll tell ya what, though, my favorite to party with was no doubt Manuel Noriega.  We used to have raging parties together.  It’s amazing what can happen when you have hard drugs, psychopathic murderers, heavy weaponry, piles of cash, a plethora of hookers, and a room full of wild animals together at the same palatial estate.

Reporter:  Wild animals?

Oliver North (blushing):  Well, we won’t go there.    

Reporter:  You mentioned Felix Rodriguez.  Is he the same man who was involved in the Bay of Pigs invasion? 

Oliver North:  Absolutely, he was a real patriot.  I admire all of the corrupt practices and wanton murdering he did in his illustrious career.  I’ll never live up to his standard.

Reporter:  Perhaps I’ll interview him next.

Oliver North:  He wouldn’t give you the time of day.    

Reporter:  Would you be willing to comment on the role of BCCI in that patriotic operation of death?

Oliver North:  Now you’re getting into the money side of things.  I’m not really bright enough to comment on such technical aspects of finance.  What I do know is that those guys at BCCI were great patriots.  They didn’t ask any questions, which makes it real nice when you’re involved in illegal and nefarious activities on such a large scale.  If you’d like more details about BCCI money laundering, perhaps you’d like to speak with John Kerry or Bill Clinton.  Those guys really know their stuff.

Reporter:  I’ll put them on my list.  As I’m sure you’re aware, there was quite the controversy when Gary Webb, author of the Dark Alliance series, was murdered.  Were you involved in his murder to keep him quiet about some of your Central American exploits?

Oliver North:  As much as I’d like to take credit for the murder of that traitor, I’m afraid I can’t.  As far as I’m concerned, all of those truth-seeking whistleblowers can’t die fast enough.

Reporter (smiling):  Agreed.  And now at this time in your life you have a comfortable gig spouting psyche warfare propaganda on the Fox News Channel.  How has the transition into strictly psychological operations been for you?

Oliver North:  It’s easy money, so I can’t complain.  I also love the fact that a documented criminal like myself can now be lauded on an international news channel.  It really fascinates me and gives me enormous pleasure.

Reporter:  I know the feeling! Can you believe some of the utter crap people buy on corporate media!

Oliver North:  Damn sheep never learn  Oh, well.  Their pain, our gain, right?

Reporter:  I couldn’t have said it better myself!

Oliver North:  As much as I love praising my criminal exploits with you, I really must be going.  I have target practice with an old friend.

Reporter:  And just what are you targeting?

Oliver North:  If I’d tell you, I’d have to kill you.

Research Oliver North and the criminal enterprises he was involved in @
 https://www.brown.edu/Research/Understanding_the_Iran_Contra_Affair/h-fr-gallery.php
 https://archive.org/details/Webb-CIA-Crack-Documents
 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oliver_North
 https://webbrain.com/brainpage/brain/D36749F1-3A40-09FA-957F-41294B88CB70#-6371
 (Web brain is Richard Grove’s history map)
 

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