Hunters: Which One Are You and How Can Ernest Help
Welcome to Your New Tomorrow, Today
Once again, the name is Ernest Givsafok. I host self help seminars throughout the world. It is my mission to make you feel important, somehow.
Have you ever wondered why every time you open your mouth, people tell you to shut the fuck up? Well fear no more for I know the answer because I am a trained professional.
It's a simple concept. Easy for one to wrap their head around. Even stupid people get it, sometimes. You should leave here today feeling ready to take on the new world which you will soon live in.
On the Regular
Daily, you probably find yourself in situations where you simply cannot deal with what has been placed on your plate. If you don't, you've come to the wrong place. Don't worry though. Fucking up like that is common and you should probably stay because you might learn something too.
Throughout human history, most people have sucked. The hunter would run through the forest chasing the rabbit. The rabbit would get away because the hunter was too slow and clumsy on his feet.
Eventually, another hunter came along to help. He brought with him a sharpened stick and maybe a couple of rocks. He would throw his new devices at the rabbit with the hopes something would stick. Unfortunately, he missed.
That did not stop the first running style hunter from feeling inadequate though. Instead of offering advice, he sat on his rock, pouting. Pissed off not at himself, but angry with the other hunter for being smarter than he was. He picked up a rock and smashed it over the other guys head, cut him up, and took chunks of his old friend back to the tribe. Once there, he told the story of how the smart hunter was being stupid that day and ended up falling off of a cliff. He fed this new meat to his family and called it rabbit. They said it tasted like chicken.
Irregularly
Everyone liked rabbit meat and wanted more. The remaining hunter taught everyone how to make a sharpened stick. He was paying attention after all and now everyone enjoyed his company.
One of the up-and-coming stars to the hunting scene saw this new stick and decided to fasten a sharpened rock to the tip. They all went hunting.
The remaining hunter taught the young hunter how to throw, but missed. When his sharpened stick did hit the rabbit, it bounced off. The young hunter threw his spear next. It worked! The remaining hunter pouted for a few minutes, then stabbed the young hunter through the throat with his own spear. Everyone noticed how the new rabbit meat tasted differently, but still similar to chicken, so they didn't complain.
The remaining hunter was the only man left by the end of the year. He got it on with the ladies quite often and passed on his asshole ways to the next generation. This and/or similar events occurred worldwide within every tribe. Soon the only people left suffered from Inherited Assholes Suck Syndrome or I.A.S.S. for short.
Going Deeper
That brings us to today. The assholes are running rampant. Everywhere you look some idiot is clubbing another over the head and taking the meat home. Soon there will be nothing left for me.
Have you ever wondered why rabbits are so fuzzy?
I have the answer to that too. You see, rabbits.....
Ernest! What the hell are you yelling about! It's three in the god damn morning!
Martha! I had that dream again!
Ernest! I told you not to eat so many of those damn oysters before bed!
Martha! Why do you keep making me oysters and then complaining when I eat the damn things!
Ernest! You ain't no damn self-help guru and you never will be! You're too damn stupid!
Martha! I helped Jim with his truck didn't I! Why are you always calling me names!
Ernest! Shut the hell up and go back to bed!
Martha! It's a couch, remember! You kicked me out for farting too much!
Ernest! Maybe if you didn't eat so many god damn oysters before bed your ass wouldn't stink as bad!
Martha! Your farts don't smell any better you know!
Ernest! I don't fart!
Martha! You do so! Even your sister said the last time she was here!
Ernest! Don't you dare bring my sister into this! If you love her so damn much, go marry her sorry ass so you can live in a trailer!
Maybe I will.
Ernest! I heard that! Go to hell!
I'm already there...
@nonameslefttouse The Writer/Artist Himself!
When I read 'Ernest Givsafok' I heard it in @fyrstikken's Norwegian accent.
Now that you mention it, I hear it too! I read the entire article/story that way. It's way better now!
Great even if you didn't consult the world's foremost authority on inadequacy! Upvoted & resteemed!
They weren't available for an interview and that damn Martha wouldn't let me out anyway!
I was talking about me!
Well. Clearly, by the looks of this article and comment section today... I think it's just a bad idea for me to try to make sense of anything during this moment of pure brain fart.
Im Earnests sock.
Oh my god!
It's a talking sock!
For now only typing but im getting there!
Yeah okay there. I don't believe you! Look what happens when I put two of your dirty cousins on my hands and try to type.
dzcoikesww trghjixcs serfenm acxvcufgtrawyhte tilop ytholu?
Translation
Does this seem accurate to you?
Who asked if it was better for a sock to be or not to be? Sockspeare!
Wow. You really socked me with that one!
Martha needs some counselling...on the subject of farting. Women who pretend they don't fart are statistically 80% (or thereabouts) more prone to mood swings. You can generally spot them as they often have RBF (Resting Bitch Face) Scientists on CNN (both always one hundred percent accurate as we all know) spoke up and told the world that RBF is in fact real, you can learn more about that here
I'm happy to add such excellent material to your self-help article. I would entitle this comment Avoid RBF and join FFF !(Females For Farting)
Here's a quote from something I wrote two months ago. Take note.
LMFAO, I am in complete accord with this!
I didn't hold a damn thing back writing that article. I unleashed a beast that day. It's still one of my all time favorites. I like this article above because it's just so damn stupid! I was tempted to leave typos and act like it's my first day as well.
I think I read that one the day that you wrote your shit post actually...that reminds me, has anyone given you shit via email since then?
I've had a few nasty comments thrown my way since. I've brought it up a couple of times since then in some recent articles I wrote. I've been called every name in the book. I don't respond to them. Sometimes it just gives me material to write about. I don't get paid responding to trolls directly. They're not worth my time.
In a few years, if not months, depending on the success of this platform, I picture these comment sections turning into something like youtube's. I probably won't respond to everyone, that would take too much time. It is interesting though, when you think about how valuable that rare comment could be.
...me and my visions...
Visions have power, more so now then at any other point in our lifetimes at the very least. I've thought about that, how it would become impossible to reply to every comment...if we just keep on putting that vision out into the universe, it will happen.
And you are a star my friend. The other day, the whole OT thing?-What caused him to chase me down to reply was that I'd told him if he was really looking for the kinds of posts that will draw people to steemit he should come to your blog. Even if it's not his thing, he should objectively see that I'm right. He didn't disagree when we talked more.
I enjoy what I do here. That's all I can really say. Everything else will fall into place when it's time. Until then, I keep looking in the only direction I can see.
I read that Fucking post, lol, awhile back. I couldn't comment because that option goes away after awhile.
The sad part of it all is that your fiction is very well the reality of today's society. Ernest, the self-help guru is definitely on to something. However do we spread the word since Steemit won't allow resteem of old posts?