The MISSES LifeHAX Program—Part One

The following is a fictionalized life hacks program.

No limbs were lost in the making of this transcript.

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MISS Direct: We're live in five, four, three, two, one...

MISS Articulate: Good morning everyone, and welcome to today's simulcast of the MISSES LifeHAX program. We are transmitting live over the Global Satellite Network from the campus of the Millennial Institute for Social Sciences. I am your host, MISS Articulate, and in this first segment, we will be discussing anger and how to manage it.

Joining me in studio this morning are MISS Behavior and MISS Diagnose. Welcome, girls.

MISS Behavior: Thank you for having me.

MISS Diagnose: It's good to be here.

MISS Articulate: We will be getting to viewer questions shortly, but before that, MISS Behavior, could you give us a brief overview of the techniques or philosophies we will be basing our advice on this morning?

MISS Behavior: I'd love to.

Those of us who are MISS designates adhere to a motto or creed called MISSES—Modesty, Intelligence, Spirituality and Strength Elevate Society. We strongly believe that through these four principles, all of society's needs can be fulfilled, and all of society's ills can be held in check.

MISS Articulate: Thank you. MISS Diagnose. Could you give us some examples of how the MISSES creed might be engaged as it pertains to anger?

MISS Diagnose: Absolutely.

All four principles, applied separately or in unison, would very much help to curb anger.

When we are modest, we recognize we have weaknesses, that we have room for improvement and that we are in our way no better than anyone else due to our imperfections.

With intelligence, we can assess the situation we are in, determine what is truly going on, and find a way to solve whatever it is that might be upsetting us or others.

With spirituality, we seek for inner tranquility, guidance, and protection from those that might do us harm. We acknowledge the existence of a higher power who will provide us with what we need in times when our abilities are insufficient.

And strength, when applied appropriately, can help keep our aggressive tendencies in check through will and discipline.

MISS Articulate: Very good. With that, let's take our first question.

MISS DIRECT: We have a voice and image encryption request.

MISS Articulate: I understand our viewer does not want to be identified. Okay, viewer, what's your question?

Unidentified Viewer: I'm always so angry. I just want to rip people limb from limb. I want to do it now. TO YOU!

MISS Diagnose: That's disMember!

MISS Articulate: Good morning, disMember. It is you, is it not?

disMember: Yeah, it's me. I don't know how you all do it.

MISS Diagnose: Hello? MISS Diagnose?

disMember: Oh, yeah, right. Hi, girls.

MISS Articulate: Miss Behavior, what can you tell us about disMember?

MISS Behavior: Well, for starters, tearing people apart—

disMember: Limb from limb. There's a difference.

MISS Behavior: Excuse me. Limb from limb—is never appropriate in any scenario. Ever.

disMember: Never?

MISS Behavior: Ever.

disMember: What if someone eats my favorite sandwich because I left it for three days in the fridge in the boss's lair and forgot to put my name on it?

MISS Behavior: Very specific, but no. Not appropriate.

disMember: What about if someone snores really, really loud? Is it okay, then?

MISS Behavior: No.

disMember: What if...

MISS Behavior: No.

disMember: ...they call me...

MISS Behavior: No.

disMember: ...a sissy la-la? Surely, that would...

MISS Behavior: No.

disMember: Hmmmm. You know, this is very helpful. Very calming. Maybe I need to reevaluate my very existence.

MISS Behavior: That would be good.

MISS Articulate: Ahem. MISS Diagnose, what would you suggest our... associate do to tamp down this desire of his to de-limb others?

disMember: Yeah. What you got, doc?

MISS Diagnose: I'm not a doctor.

disMember: That's right. You're NOT.

MISS Diagnose: Normally, I would say someone's propensity for violence, such as the kind disMember describes, is derived from a deep seeded sense of worthlessness...

disMember: I'm worthless?

MISS Diagnose: ...that then manifests itself through extreme and severe measures. My suggestion if such were the case...

disMember: You don't want your LEGS, do you?

MISS Diagnose: ...would be that he undergo profound resonate cognitive regeneration...

disMember: Meditation?

MISS Diagnose: Yes. Constant, around the clock, twenty-four hours of it.

MISS Articulate: Interesting.

disMember: Not to me, it's not.

MISS Articulate: Now, you prefaced this with normally. What did you mean by that?

disMember: Hey! I picked up on that, too. What gives? I'm not worthless enough or something?

MISS Diagnose: disMember is not normal.

disMember: Now, we're getting somewhere!

MISS Diagnose: He's a creation of his evil mistress, disMISS, and therefore must be stopped at all costs.

disMember: Ooooooo... You've got me shaking, missy.

MISS Direct: Team MISS has been dispatched. Keep him occupied.

MISS Articulate: Ah, well, yes. Very fascinating. disMember, do you think you could hold with us through a commercial break? We'd love to talk to you some more.

disMember: Sure. Why not? I've got nothing better to do. Do you think my cohort disEmbowel could join us? I'm sure little MISS Diagnose would love to figure him out.

MISS Articulate: The more the merrier, disMember! We'll be right back after these messages.

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About This Post

This fictional video transcript was inspired by @dragosroua and his June 30 Days Writing Challenge. The topic for the entire month of June is life hacks.

_{All images owned by Glen Anthony Albrethsen.}

_{MISSES is a all girl superhero team comic book series currently under development by Glen Anthony Albrethsen.}

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