Mary Sue McMaincharacter did not crawl out of bed. Mary Sue, or Emmy as she was known, bounded out of bed in a graceful ballet leap, landed on her hands, then flipped to her feet in a perfect handspring. It was 4:45 am.

Emmy hummed a happy little tune as she dressed in fashionable jogging attire and name brand shoes. Neither her clothing nor her shoes showed any wear or dirt. She pulled her waist length blond hair into a ponytail without a brush since her hair always behaved perfectly, especially at stupid o’clock in the morning.

She drank a glass of water and left her safe, warm, brightly lit three bedroom recent construction home and began her customary 10 mile morning jog around her Quiet Suburb subdivision.

The sun hadn’t risen yet, but that didn’t stop Emmy’s neighbors risking life and limb by dragging trash to the curb, taking the dog out, or going on their own predawn jogs in a city that had many Mysterious Deaths at night. Oddly, there were Different Mysterious Deaths during the three nights of the full moon. However, none of this kept the neighbors inside. Why, it was the only time of day that mattered: the time when Emmy ran by.

Emmy jogged, smiled, and waved like the friendly girl she was. As she passed, her neighbors asked each other, “Does Emmy still work at Local Coffee Shop? Did you see the brand new Prius Emmy bought last week?” All dutifully speculated, for that was their only purpose. But the most discussed Emmy topic was,"Who is Emmy dating?"

Is she dating her super sexy, yet still single, blond neighbor voted “Best Butt in Urban Fantasy City”? Does the smoking hot redhead with abs of steel who works with Emmy at Local Coffee Shop hold the keys to her heart? Or does her heart belong to the devilishly handsome brunette with impressive biceps and expertly sculpted facial hair that works at Regional Chain Grocery where Emmy shops?

Despite the widely reported Mysterious Deaths, absolutely no neighbors held shotguns, handguns, knives, or wore night vision goggles. The Mysterious Death Fodder discussed Emmy, then went back inside their houses and into a state of suspended animation. All except Mr. and Mrs. Victim who tragically and silently succumbed to Mysterious Death as soon as Emmy was around the corner.

Emmy ran down the still dark sidewalk in her glamorous clothing, barely breathing hard. She arrived in front her BFF Bess’s house. Bess gripped her foot in one hand and her coffee in the other. She guzzled caffeine while stretching her quads at 5:15 am. If it were light enough, one could see that Bess still wore yesterday’s makeup and her clothes were well worn and stained. Her hair was in a sloppy ponytail because she fell out of bed and lost her brush. Bess, who was Not a Main Character Yet, could only handle about a mile of jogging and talking.

The two girls jogged and talked about the Only Topic in the World.

“Gosh, Bess, why would Ginger Abs at work ever date me? I’m so plain!” Emmy tossed her long blond ponytail. Even though there was no light to reflect, her hair sparkled.

“He’s not good enough for you anyway,” Bess replied.

“I’ll never find anyone, I’m too old for love,” Even Emmy’s ponytail looked wistful at this thought. (Do not fret, there is Even Worse Writing ahead.)

“Of course you will, there’s someone for everyone." Bess was a Supportive BFF. Since Bess entered suspended animation whenever Emmy wasn’t around, she wasn't upset that she was also 20 and single. In fact Bess had no character traits--yet--and was only in the story to explain things to the audience. But all this jogging at stupid o'clock bounced those thoughts out of her head. Since this Urban Fantasy Romance, Bess can't Mysteriously Die. When The Plot fails, Bess becomes Quirky Main Character for the second story arc.

A man watched the pair of potential snacks. "Man” is a bad description and “homicidal maniac” is more accurate. “Man” is a more appealing Love Interest, though.

A man with long silver hair and old fashioned clothes featuring too many ruffles and lace (and definitely too much blood) watched the young woman and Not a Main Character Yet run pointlessly down the sidewalk. Lucky for Emmy and Bess, Mr. Silver had a chunk of Mrs. Victim in his right ear and grave dirt in his left so he couldn't hear their inane PG-13 girl talk.

Mr. Silver followed Emmy and Not a Main Character Yet at a distance. As soon as NMCY disappeared into a house, Mr. Silver forgot all about her.

The blond ponytail bounced into some convenient woods. Even the path in the woods was concrete. What a strange and wonderful time to be...undead again!

Mr. Silver was an ancient and powerful vampire. Just not so ancient to think a modern 20-year-old trite and tiresome. And as time passes, every other vampire in the city will challenge him. Emmy will save him each time with Eye-roll Bad Writing.

All the same, Mr. Silver was an ancient and powerful vampire.

The ancient and powerful (got it, audience?) vampire pondered his night so far. First, an unknown vampire (who will provide comic relief and sex appeal in the future) dug him up. This vampire said, “Bro, we’re getting the band back together!” but vanished before Mr. Silver asked him to elaborate.

The audience knows that Mr. Silver was buried in an old section of town, now all abandoned factories and Section 8 housing. Mr. Silver completely ignored the large gang banger supply nearby. Instead the power of Bad Writing propelled him 20 miles to his first meal in 350 years. Since Convenient Amnesia erased all motivations before Sexy Comic exhumed him, the first thing Mr. Silver remembered was slurping up goodies inside someone's chest cavity. Convenient Amnesia solves all plot holes!

Mr. Silver watched Emmy and thought that a world where young women jiggle unsupervised along concrete must have other wonderful things. A small knife to nick an artery and a tube to drink blood with would make feeding convenient. Why, he wouldn’t have to rip food in half then stick his head in their chest cavity. (Thank goodness blood didn’t stick to his hair or skin, or unlife would be dreadful indeed!) With such advanced devices, Mr. Silver and all his kind could feed from the same person multiple times, maybe even have a conversation and get to know them!

Thus Mr. Silver experienced his first Unclear Character Motivation since Convenient Amnesia. He didn’t regret the couple he ripped open 10 minutes ago, or all the others he’d killed in the past. No, not until volume 2. Volume 2's theme is Vampire Regret, Redemption, and Angst. Plenty of time for self reflection and Forced, Improbable Backstory.

Because he saw a concrete path in the woods and a happy ponytail that sparkled in the dark, Mr. Silver changed his ways, whatever they once were. He landed in front of Emmy and watched her bounce towards him. And what a tantalizing bounce it was! Thank goodness he was a Reformed Vampire!

Perhaps due to Convenient Amnesia (but really from You’ve Got to Be Kidding, This is Awful Writing) Mr. Silver did not seek shelter before sunrise. He fled when the light burned his eyes. Don't worry about him, Gentle Reader, he’s the Improbable Love Interest.

Emmy, nary a sweat drop on her fashionable outfit, saw Super Sexy Improbable Love Interest on the path ahead of her. Thanks to Worse Bad Writing, she didn’t notice his blood soaked clothing.

Then a scream split her world just as the sun peeked over the horizon. We run with Emmy to Mr. and Mrs. Victim and our Urban Fantasy Love Story begins.