Letting your child fail
At some point in every parent's life, you will watch your child fail. It is heartbreaking, but it is part of the learning process. You really want to step in and help and make it all better, but know that it is for the best. To fail is to learn.
Swim lessons in the Netherlands
In the Netherlands, it is a pretty important requirement that kids can swim. There are canals everywhere, so the likelihood of a child falling into the water is relatively high. The most basic (after the introductory swimming levels) "real" level of swimming is the Certificate A. This means they can pretty much swim without drowning, without floatation assistance, and also that they can swim with clothes on.
Our experience so far
Our oldest daughter (6) has now been doing swimming lessons for a year. She is pretty small, so she finds it hard to keep afloat, but she's been doing pretty well up to now. She was so proud when she heard in the same week that she was going to go through to the next school grade (not a certain thing in the Dutch system!) and that she was allowed to start the A level for the swimming.
However, the A level has proven to be a big step up in terms of difficulty. She does well, but she can panic beforehand, in which case it becomes a struggle to keep afloat and moving. This coming Sunday will be the first swim with clothes which (as anyone who has tried this knows) is a huge difference with the weight and the drag.
This has been her first major thing that she has had a lot of difficulty with. Learning to read, numbers, dancing, piano and riding a bike have all been relatively painless and quick to learn (I'm not sure that it will be quite the same with our second child!). So, this will be the first time that she has tried to do something and struggled.
My thoughts
I really want her not to be disappointed that she wasn't able to pass on the first try, but I know that she will be disappointed. We have tried to prepare the landing, by telling her that it is okay to not be able to do something, that we just need to learn and then do better next time.
On a more practical level, we have gone swimming together as a family or just as father and daughter as often as possible in the past week and a bit. It has been great to swim and learn together, and if nothing else, she is much less scared about being in the water. She has even had the courage to go down a large water slide and into a big whirlpool, all of which she was too scared to do just a month ago.
So, in the end she may not pass, hopefully it won't deter her from trying again. We have spent much quality time together, and damn it, we are going to try our hardest to pass this damn thing! If not, then come this Sunday, we will go down fighting (I don't mean sinking!)!
Referral links
Mene, Investment jewellery (5 dollars credit just for making the account).
Humble Bundle Monthly, PC games package every month!
Busy.org A version of Steemit that allows small accounts to use the Vote Slider! When they get a dark theme, I'll be there full time!
Swift A project to bring a basic income via cryptocurrency.
Mannabase, Universal income in the blockchain, 50% bonus in the first year if you use this referral.
Minnowbooster Bonus for the new account maker as well!
Coinbase, the biggest fiat on and off ramp.
Binance, the biggest crypto exchange.
Coinjar Fiat on ramp for Australia or UK!
Cryptopia, Lots of lesser known altcoins.
HitBTC Even more Altcoins!
.png)
My musicoin artist page (tap on banner), come support your favourite music on the crypto-ecosystem!
One of the orchestras that I play in, specialising in Early Music. Click on the banner for the Steemit page, featuring music and various articles about music!
The classical music community at #classical-music and Discord.
Follow our community accounts @classical-music and @classical-radio.
Follow our curation trail (classical-radio) at SteemAuto
Community Logo by ivan.atman
Proud kiddie member of the Alliance playground group!
Horizontal Rulers by cryptosharon
Team Australia footer by bearone
I'm not sure if you knew this, but I was a high school teacher for many years, and I saw the result of kids who were never allowed to fail. It wasn't good because they always expected to succeed, whether they deserved it or not. There are valuable lessons in "failing", like yours...pick up and try again. I think one of the best lessons I taught my kids was this: a true test of your character is how you react to failing something; do you simply 'give up' or try again. Life is about learning. If we were good at everything and didn't have a need to learn, there would really be no point in life.
I think you are an awesome dad, and of course you want to see your kids happy. It's so difficult to watch them "fail" but in the end, that is what life is all about. It's too bad we even have to use the word "fail" and can't just use the word "learning" instead :)
I tutor kids privately from the expat schools here. I see it too often in approach from the parents and the curriculum from the school. Learning subjects and exams are seen as hurdles that seperate your current self from the 'ideal perfect successful life'.
It often takes a while to shift the mindset of the students to the idea that learning things and learning how to understand things are more important than an arbitrary number at the end of the year. If that is learnt, often the side effect is a good mark anyway! Sadly, it is much harder to shift the mindset of the parents....
Fail, learn then succeed. Every success was born from these ingredients (plus a touch of talent and a heap of luck!).
Also, one of the schools that my students are sourced from also have this no failure policy. They go out of their way to say anything other than that a student doesn't understand the subject. This the student is left with the impression that a partial or bare minimum of understanding is a success rather than a base for improvement.
That "no failure" policy was the downfall of the modern education system! Such nonsense.
One semester, when I was teaching Senior English, I decided to only give comments on the kids writing; absolutely no grades/numbers. It was a bit of a sell, because of course many were focused on post-secondary by then. I asked them to trust me, and they would see their writing improve. They kept portfolios of their work, peer edited, and of course I edited it all as well. It was a much more daunting task then simply writing a letter grade on their papers, but in the end, everyone's writing markedly improved. And the best part was that their focus was off the number grade, and on learning instead.
We're on the same page here buddy! So cool, I didn't know all this about you ;)
Ha, with all the people you chat and comment on, I'm surprised you remember anything about anyone! I am generally lost after seeing more than two people in a row...
hahaha for some reason, I can remember little bits about everyone's real life here, but ask me what I had for breakfast, and I'm at a loss :)
I guess it would be easier to remember your breakfast if it had a chat with you!
haha now I might become that crazy person who talks to her plate of food :)
Awesome post!! Keep it up and check out THIS POST as well as I have something similar.
Awesome post!! Keep it up and check out THIS POST as well as I have something similar.
Awesome post!! Keep it up and check out THIS POST as well as I have something similar.
Awesome post!! Keep it up and check out THIS POST as well as I have something similar.
That makes sense that it would be important to swim being that you could fall in a canal at any time. Ha ha. Good for her for pushing through and trying it. It's not whether or not we fail, but what we do after failing that makes the most difference. If failure causes us to shut down, then we're in trouble. If fear of failing causes us to shut down, we're in trouble. If we do our best to prepare, fail, but choose to try again... then we're getting somewhere. It's the response that truly shows whether or not we're a failure. Sure, maybe something doesn't work out, but it might the next time.
Yes, fear of failing translating into fear of trying is the danger here. Hopefully, if will be a trap that we can avoid. To try and get around this, we have made swimming into a fun thing that we like to all do together rather than something that needs to be passed. Even to the point that we have a day off (baby sister at the daycare) together,and she wants to go for a swim!
That's great that you're putting such a positive spin on it. Probably helps a lot in terms of exciting her about doing it. She'll enjoy know how to swim later in life, even if she doesn't now. It's just so much fun!
Get back up everytime you fall. Awesome. I highly appreciate this Quality. Well done on spreading this message and on inculcating this quality into your daughter. I'm.saying this because this is what I understood after reading your post. Have a nice day.
Thanks for the comment! Get back up, learn how to do better and try again! All components for success, although a touch of talent and luck are also helpful!
Absolutely.
Do you realize it is also ok to fail as a parent? Just keep swimming...
Such good advice! My boys are now in their early 20's, but I would have loved to hear this when they were little. We can sometimes be so hard on ourselves as parents, and put such pressure on ourselves to do everything perfect. In the end, I wish someone had said to me, just do your best; it won't be perfect, but best is all anyone can ask for. I view my own childhood the same way. My parents weren't perfect, I learned what to do and what not to do as a parent from them, but I also realize that they did the best they could with the knowledge they had.
Thank you @doctorjohn!
Yes, of course, but I won't stop trying! But I'm keenly aware that I won't ever be perfect, but I hope the good outweighs the bad and that I at least impart the ability for the kids to be independent and to be able to make wise choices for themselves.
I am amazed by the wisdom of this reality. I am a mom and most often than not i get upset when my little one fails at my expectation of her. I always expect her to be prim and proper, but she is just a kid right. I blame myself then for failing as a parent. But this one is consoling. And yeah, glad to learn a trivia about Netherlands and swimming. ^_^
It's pretty full on with the swimming here! I don't think I learnt to swim with clothes until I was in high school.
It sounds like your slowly building the principle in her to not avoid fear and failure which is monumental. The pay off will be an awful lot more than just staying afloat in water, it'll be staying afloat amongst the current climate of the ever-changing world.
Keep on going and cherish the swimming your doing together now because in a few years time, she'll be leaving you in her dust in the water ;)
Lol, I had better make sure I hobble her technique so there is a critical flaw!