If you missed my earlier posts, here is a little part of the story:

https://steemit.com/familyprotection/@misslasvegas/why-it-has-been-quiet-from-my-end-it-s-changed-some-things

and here:

https://steemit.com/familyprotection/@misslasvegas/the-madness-continues-my-meeting-with-the-social-worker-and-colleagues-stress-in-ireland

source: beliefnet.com

Another truth is, that I've been scared shit-less for the last couple of months. About 6 months... And the last few a bit more and these last three weeks have been the height of it all. 6 months is a long time to be nervous or scared.
I am in a constant 'Fight or Flight' Mode. In other words: adrenaline rushing through my veins more than it should and it's not good!
When the case worker says something that either isn't true, or just a power game played by a bully, or something that is to a certain extend true, but completely blown out of proportion or context, it is VERY hard for me not to snap and tell her exactly what I think of her and her job. And sometimes I can't help myself, and argue. NOT because I like to argue, but because I feel like she is treating me like a criminal and because I feel she already had her mind made up about me, without knowing ANYTHING about me. Every rebuttal I give her, she has one in return and sometimes she makes it sound so great, that even I start to doubt myself....
It's just NO winning with these people. Until I snap out of my self-doubt and KNOW that I am right!
She is doing this and I am feeling like this because of her. And it is not doing me or my children any favours.
My youngest son, who is three and a dirt devil, is now forever haunted by his mother, wash cloth in hand and brush close by, so the face and hands can be wiped and the (long) hair can be brushed...just in case.

Just in case... But... just in case what?

Just in case she decides to grace us with a visit and my baby boy is not to her standards.

Just in case he wiped his sticky hand across his face after lunch - or worse: his hair!

It would be funny if it weren't so terrifying at the same time.
Every time the kids play a little rough, I tell them not to. Just in case....
My two sons were playing, tickling each other and laughing all the way. Then my eldest son tickled a bit too much and as a reaction, my youngest moved a bit too wildly, still laughing loudly - and banged his head on the side of the couch...
A bruise on his forehead. He didn't cry, was still laughing, but it had me in tears.
What if she comes in and sees this and blames me?
This is not living. I am afraid to live the way we were. We hardly go outside these days, all out of fear that the kids will get dirty and she shows up when we're just back inside.
The constant fear and constant looking over my shoulder and watching the kids like a hawk is taking its toll.
It's driving me insane!
But I realize:

This is what they want!

source: www.scarysymptoms.com

Reading all these stories of people I have gotten to know here the last few months. Some more horror than others.
It's scaring the crap out of me.
Fighting is not an option, because with everything I say, she comes up with a totally new (or old) set of stories.
She brings up things, that happened six years ago, weren't an issue then, but suddenly now they are.
Fighting her directly is not an option.

My whole body is flushed with adrenaline and from deep within a voice screams: RUN! Take your kids and RUN.

But that is not an option either. YET.

So what do you do when you're backed into a corner?

No way out. Like a lioness and her cubs, trapped between a rock-wall and trophy hunters.

source: imagekind.com

What would you do?

It is hard to remain positive when everything is blowing up in your face. The constant fear of what's next is the most horrible feeling I've ever had in my life, worse than the one time I got robbed with a gun to my head.
The weekends are more relaxed, because I know they don't work on weekends, but those are the times that I need to get some work done or just think about my next move.
I decided this feeling of utter helplessness has to stop.

It has to stop NOW!

This feeling, my fast heart rate, the headaches, hardly any sleep...
It is going to hurt me, hurt us if it doesn't stop now.
So slowly but surely, I managed to get a few minutes meditating. Something I never saw as a hard, now seems like a chore. Try to get the mind quiet with so much going on and so many thoughts going through your mind. It's almost impossible to quiet the mind! The shower has always been my best meditation friend and it is now.
5 minutes a day is better than nothing.
It has helped a little to calm my mind. Stress and all these crazy thoughts are NOT helping the situation.

So what to do if fight or flight isn't an option?

Don't get me wrong: I still have a few crypto-thingies going on that could potentially change everything soon.
No, it's not going to turn me into a millionaire overnight, but it can make a difference.
It could buy us the tickets we need, or the transportation we need to make our way out of Ireland at least. What comes after, we'll see....
But I can't sit back and wait for that. I have to do something. NOW.

I've been speaking to my ex boyfriend's sister (my youngest son's aunt) about all this drama.
We've had very good contact over the last few years and she has been very supportive even though she lives
200 miles away and has a very busy life of her own with a severely autistic teenage son and a full time job as a lecturer at university. But it's her job that can make the difference for us.
She is a barrister and teaches law!
She knows all the ins and outs of the justice system here in Ireland and knows how social workers 'work'.
She knows what they can and cannot do, and most importantly: what they're not allowed to do.
After my last message to her (basically frantic because I don't know what to do) she said it may be a good idea to ask for a meeting. Us two with the case worker and her team leader. She asked me to write down all my concerns, and as much detail as possible about all the things that have been said and done.

Part of me thinks this could be the next move that is needed to get them off my back. The last thing they want is get complaints and it to be taken to the ombudsman. Tomorrow I am going to sit down and write it all down for her. What the case worker said to my eldest daughter: that she thought she was manically depressed (wow, she's a doctor now too) and that she must be depressed because of the situation at home...a situation that they caused. That I'm not exactly stable at the moment (again, something she is causing). The time that she just walked into her room to ask her questions without my consent. The threats. All of it.
I am still not 100% sure if it couldn't also go the complete opposite way: anger the social worker even more...
But maybe there is an option to request a different one and make a new start.

All those doubts are driving me crazy. But I have to do something.
I can't just sit here and do nothing.
I just can't go through another 3 months of this, the way things are now, with my heart and mind racing all the time and getting us no where.

Wish me luck....

Do you think my story is an exception? Think again!

Please read all the stories of others under the #familyprotection tag. It happens, every day and everywhere to people like you and me. It could happen to YOU! Please support @familyprotection, if there is ONE cause worth fighting for, it's this. Thank you for reading. 50% of the earned SBD will go to @familyprotection.